Thursday, May 27, 2010
Some Like It Hot Vs. Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
I AM so “sick of tired”. I’m at an apex of frustration. It has nothing to do with one person, place, or thing. It’s more of a creeping malaise. A sort of drowning in one’s self. I have this every once in awhile, where everything irritates me, every real or imagined slight is 10,000 times more infuriating. I caught myself throwing things yesterday and acting like a petulant 4 year old.
What is really the root of my frustration right now is twofold: first off my body is broke down, secondly it’s the relationships I have forged. When it comes to my body, I just made so many mistakes in my youth and allowed for the current state of disrepair I find myself in. It really does take me two days post seizure to even be functional, and it’s not because I’m mentally tired, but more because I’m physically broke down. From my feet to my shoulders every joint is a constant cacophony of aching at a dull roar. When I’m tired, or sick, or post seizure that noise, that constant droning buzz of discomfort becomes overwhelming. I can’t function. I cannot stand going to bed hurting only to wake up feeling the same. Some of it I’m sure is my sheer mass and size, but the vast majority of it the miles I’ve put on my body.
As for my relationships I just haven’t figured this out. I’ll use J.B. as an example. I’ve often thought of Jon as my best friend, but the reality is I don’t think he could care less. It’s as if I’m constantly trying to say, “Hey look how cool this is!” Only to be met with, “…it’s not that cool…” It’s as if he takes some joy in turning things to salt in my mouth. I understand this is just a facet of who he is, just like I know Dave can’t be on time, Mike double books himself, Dan is not reliable, and Steve is a poor winner & loser. I know these things. I accept these things, but periodically I feel like I’ve poured so much energy & time into these relationships that when they are treated as things secondary I become highly offended.
For the vast majority of my adult life I’ve treated my friends like family and my family like ‘friends’. What that’s left me with is a group of people I’m far more willing to do things for, to be there for, to bend for than they are for me. While I’ve distanced myself from the people who by and large (or at least in theory) ‘love’ me unconditionally. Now I’ve made these decisions understanding this, and most of the time it’s worked for me, but occasionally I feel bitter over it. Occasionally I feel alone in a/the crowd.
Maybe this is all just a function of unresolved mental illness. I’ve battled anxiety, and some would say depression, in the past. It runs rampant in my family. Maybe I’m just finally feeling that grip upon me. Either way it just seems to flare and fade. This is just a flare.
Anyway I guess it’s just one of those times. On to other things…
One bonus of struggling to get out of bed to even go to the bathroom is at least I can get some TV watchin’ in. So here’s what I got through;
- Being Human Season 2 (*** ½ out of 5) – One thing I really liked about this little dark, sometimes funny, horror series in the first season was the fun of it. The second season is much more dark, it’s the Empire Strikes Back of this show. The premise is that a vampire, Mitchell, a werewolf, George, and a ghost, Annie, share a flat together. They are attempting to pass for human, but between vampire intrigues, attempts by ghosts to get Annie to “go through the door”, and George dealing with the beast within him it is a constant struggle. Season two introduced a new “Big Bad” and the results were spectacularly brutal. This is a good little show that is working on a third season and I’ve heard they’re doing an “American version”, which as we know could be good or bad. So if you sort of dig a darkly comedic show about trying to live with the human race check it out.
- Eraserhead (** ½ out of 5) – I know, I KNOW this is supposed to be a masterpiece, but the reality is I found it visually stimulating, but that was it. Otherwise I found it sort of dull and hard to follow. I think that might have been the intention though. So I can now cross this one off the “MUST SEE” list, and move on with my life.
And with that I give unto thee
- So I’ve begun Spartacus: Blood & Sand Season 1. Let me just say if there was any nudity left on T.V. post True Blood, Spartacus found it. This is a show built around visual excess, be it blood, breasts, sex, gore, etc. It’s not bad, but it is a popcorn show. Maybe I can steal some of the ideas though for D&D.
- The Sport’s Abyss is killing me.
- I started leafing through the D&D Player’s Strategy Guide this week and it’s a very nice book. I think my group needs one.
- Cassandra mowed yesterday. I was very proud & yet completely terrified. Proud because she didn’t think she could do it, and yet there she was mastering the machine and cutting a swath through the jungle that our yard had become. Terrified because what the hell does she need me around for now?
- You know whom I really miss in idea much more than practice? Magnus, Robot Fighter! Seriously, it’s a guy in a red mini-skirt beating up robots. THAT my friends is cool.
- My feet hurt today.
- I think I need a week off of just lying in a dark room and sleeping. Maybe then I would actually feel like facing the world on its terms.
And with that I’m back to it…
“ONCE... WE... WERE... FREE...
ONCE... WE... WERE... FREE...
They whispered of a prison
Ragnarok engine humming
Wrapped they in darkness dreaming
They are the mighty children
Behold the Doomsday project
Frog legions bear their vessel
Seven in Earth and Heaven
ONCE... WE... WERE... FREE...
ONCE... WE... WERE... FREE...
And underneath the desert
Encased in frozen bedrock
Stack sleeping agents waiting
To see the gates burn open
The desert rip asunder
They grind the land like corn
Bleed oily peals of thunder
Above the tortured heavens
So full of silent waiting
Howl screams of birth and triumph
Unlock the faceless hating
Bred in the depths of ocean
Of giant strength and tread
No hands defy their windstorm
ONCE... WE... WERE... FREE...”