* = Oh Confusion, you are my natural state of being.
Are you the ‘hero’ or protagonist in your own life? I’m not so sure I am. I am beginning to feel like a passenger in my own existence. I’m not a bad person per say, although I have been at times, I just fail to be the person I would want to be or mentally aspire to be. I think I’m stuck in between. I can be an out and out bastard at times; abrasive, mean, unforgiving, and prone to fits of intense anger. I’m not sure why. It doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t feel powerful during this; in fact quiet the contrary I feel quiet powerless. It’s just this feeling some times like those emotions, those things that make me so much smaller of a person than I’d like, need a way to get out.
All that being said I don’t feel like the antagonist in the story of my life either. While I’m sure there are folks out there who would say different, I don’t think I’ve ever been an out and out villain. I’ve done heinous acts, said things that were unforgivable, and acted in ways that I’m ashamed of, but for the most part those things have happened in small bits. And they’ve happened in the past. I’ve learned, I think, from these things and evolved a bit.
Still though I can’t help but feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my own life. I’m not Superman, and I’m not Lex Luthor. So I guess that makes me Jimmy Olson. I want to do good and great things, it’s just sometimes I suffer paralysis by analysis. I over think, over analyze, and am in turn stuck. On the flip side when I give into my baser elements and emotions I make poor decisions, I do things that I live to regret. So I’m stuck living in between who I aspire to be and who I unfortunately have been.
For a long time now I haven’t been confronted with an opportunity to ‘get it right’, to prove that I can be more and be better. I’m starting to think that these moments dwindle the older we get. That the opportunities life affords us to rise to the occasion become the exception rather than the rule. Over time I think we become who we are, our ability to change becomes stagnant. Have I become stagnant? Am I obsolete?
See THIS is the crap that haunts me. For the most part when I’m not thinking about an Avengers team led by Superman, what an Expedition To The Barrier Peaks using the D&D Adventure System would look like, how to work Hillbilly Ogres into the ongoing D&D Campaign, or how cool a Sci-Fi War-Game will look on a home made board I’m thinking about who I am, what my place in the world is, and whether or not I’m worthy of it. All of it is so damn subjective and built around the whims of my constantly changing emotional state.
The other thing about feeling in between is the feeling of no control. I feel like I have no control in my life. I’m stuck. I love my job, but don’t care for whom I work for. I have friends, but the few that I consider really close is now small. I have family, but we are strangers. I make enough money to live on, but not enough to do things we want to do or to give my wonderful wife all I want to give her. It’s not mid-life crisis, it’s just this realization that this is all there is. My life is boring. I’m boring. I’m not special. I’m just me.
It’s ok to have made this realization. I’m not sad about it. Hell, I’m not even frustrated by it; I’m strangely amused and perplexed by it. Again I have that feeling like I’m on the outside looking in on my own life. As if a lot of the time I’m simply observing my own existence. The decisions have already been made, the script written, and I’m going through the motions. I mean realistically I know how the story ends.
Perhaps that’s what’s led me to feel this way so fervently of late. My first real, adult brush with mortality has been harsh. I almost bled to death when I was younger. I had a sort of epiphany lying in an Emergency Room while life poured out of me. One of the local ministers said I had a religious moment of clarity. All I did with this was go on a rampage of being out of control off and on for most of college. I felt un-killable, unstoppable, and confused. Of all the people in the world, why the hell did I get to live?
The next brush was me getting my brains bashed in Duluth. I’m lucky to this day that I didn’t lose my eye. I’m lucky my face looks as good as it does. I really felt that I dodged a bullet there, and in that moment I lost some of my edge. I lost some of that sense of invincibility. In fact in some ways I felt very fragile. It also re-aligned my priorities. I realized how important Cassandra is to me. It was a harsh lesson, but again any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
I think when life confronts you with difficulty you grow from it. I grew from these things both good and bad. I also truly believe that it’s always easier to confront the things you can control, to fight your own battles, and to forge your own path when you have very little to lose. I’ve always felt like I have had very little to lose. Again, I’m not close with my family, and the reality is my friends have come and gone at times. I’m very difficult to like and almost impossible to tolerate long term. I’ve never, nor do I ever think I’ll ever be, been wealthy. While I’m smart it’s not the kind of smart that is impressive. I don’t contribute things to society via the arts. So I’ve always sort of been fine with the idea of losing myself and everything around me.
That was until I married Cassandra. There are moments in your life when you realize how painfully small and vulnerable you are. Surprisingly enough it wasn’t lying in any Emergency Rooms, it wasn’t getting divorced, it wasn’t watching my family disintegrate, actually it was getting married. I’ve come to realize that at that point you aren’t just living for you any more, but for the two of you, and gawds willing for your children if you have them.
I had comes to terms with this for the duration of our marriage. I mean c’mon I love her more than I’ll ever be able to adequately express with words or gifts or deeds. Being with my wife is like seeing the sunset for the very first time every day. It’s awe-inspiring. So to feel that threatened or diminished is frightening.
My Dad dying has shaken me. I have nightmares that he’s calling to me, that he’s asking me, well honestly begging me, to save him. I see him in my head all the time and he won’t be quiet and he won’t go away. The thing is I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t fix him. And as much as I’d like to have a TARDIS I can’t go back in time and make it ‘right’. So in effect I’ve failed him. It’s an irrational sense. I could have done nothing. I know that. I’m a rational man after all. The thing this guilt, this black thing in my insides, just eats at me. And that guilt has manifested itself in fear. I’m afraid to lose what I have. It’s so funny to read this as I type, but damn if I’m not terrified of death. Which is HI-larious because for the vast majority of my life I have feared very little, and death didn’t make the short list.
It’s become this bizarre shade of a life at times. I stumble my way through the doldrums of existence, clinging desperately to this point of light in my life, while looking over my shoulder, metaphysically, for the end. It’s all so idiotic and trite. I’m not crazy. I’m pretty sure of that. At least I hope I’m not, because a lot of times I read something like this that I’ve written and I can’t help but wonder is this what dad was like in the beginning? Maybe I am crazy or maybe the world is crazy & I’m simply the only sane one.
Life is confusing.
But not as confusing as…
RANDOM CRAP!
- Wow, you read that stuff above and it paints a strange picture. All this from the guy who has talked for two weeks straight about chubby Asian men play fighting. The reality is though that I need a place to organize my thoughts to commit them to existence so they don’t float away in the ether. So take it all as you will.
- We’re two weeks behind in Doctor Who, so this Saturday is a big deal for Cassandra & I, as we’ll get to see the second part of ‘The Rebel Flesh’ & the mid-season finale. I’m excited.
- I was at home yesterday, I’ve had a run of seizures the last six days or so. I think I’m stressed about some things. In that time I finished watching the first season of Warehouse 13 (*** ½ out of 5). It’s not a bad little show. Some of the episodes are really good, while others I feel like the characters sort of drift out of the mold of who they have been built to ‘be’. The premise is fantastic though. There is a warehouse; it’s the 13th one, where the government stores all these strange objects, most of which have harnessed some sort of psychic energy based upon who owned them. Agents go out into the field to retrieve these objects and hijinks ensue.
- I also painted a bit yesterday. I didn’t get a lot done, but I got a firm start on some things.
- Somehow an insanely right wing religious radio station has managed to sort of subvert my AM 1130 signal. So in the background of listening to sport’s talk I’m stuck listening to angry white zealots ranting and raving. It’s sort of unnerving and more than a bit sad. Was there ever a time when people came to common ground in this country? Oh and will the Twins cut the game’s back deficit to under 6 before the All-Star Break?
- I hate the Sport’s Abyss almost as much as I hate political & religious demagoguery.
- I’ve just about finished Lumley’s first book in the Primal Lands series. I want to like it, but it lacks the tenacity of Howard, the dread of Lovecraft, and the unpredictable beauty of Clark Ashton Smith. Considering I think Lumley is trying blender and ape these three it just comes off as a misstep. Maybe the last tale in the book will prove me wrong.
- One more week or so and the Monhawullet is gone.
Well the day just can’t end fast enough.
“I want to be part of the program
I want to be part of the whole damn thing
I say, minimum effort, maximum gain
From the inside out it all looks the same
Making me feel stronger
Making me feel like The Hulk I'll be
King Size
Here it is,
I'll stake my claim and I'll be first to warn you
Here it is,
I think the devil lives in California
Check out the freak I'm laughing
Excuse me are you talking to me ?
I say, minimum effort, maximum gain
From the inside out it all looks the same
Making me feel harder
Making me feel like The Hulk I'll be
King Size
Here it is,
I'll stake my claim and I'll be first to warn you
Here it is,
I think the devil lives in California
I'm on a mission, I'm on a mission
For my survival, my king size position
I'm on a mission, in my condition
Outside my world I know there's
No place like home
I'm on a mission, my king size position
Outside my world I know there's
No place like home
I can't stop my life from crashing
Out of control, I'm out of control
Nothing to fear but fear itself and me
I, I'd never sell my soul
I never did a god-damn thing 'cause
I'd never sell my soul for something that's free
Minimum effort, maximum gain
From the inside out it all looks the same
Nothing to fear but fear itself and,
Nothing to fear but fear itself and,
Check out the freak and I'm still laughing
Nothing to fear but fear itself and me
Here it is,
I'll stake my claim and I'll be first to warn you
Here it is,
I think the devil lives in California”
* = TIME TUNNEL!
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