Thursday, September 29, 2011
Have you ever felt like the world has just turned on you? As if you’ve just had that last straw broken, purposefully, before your very eyes? Like all that rage and disgust that percolates when the faceless masses of humanity cop a squat and crap in your cheerios daily has bubbled and frothed into a torrent? Now have you ever had all that come to fruition and felt…Nothing?
I think I’m just beat down. I can’t even gather together the wherewithal to be pissed anymore. I just feel beat. I want to go to bed and sleep till next year so I can remember 2011 as a bad dream. It all just seems so damn pointless. I’m never going to get ahead, I’m never going to be able to give my wife the life she deserves, my career has become a ‘job’ and barely one at that, my friends are strugglin’, and it all really just feels like your on the precipice of life looking down into the endless swirl of a black ether screaming up to the sky saying “WHAT THE FUCK!?”
I’m no saint, oh no, never have been, most likely never will be, but I have tried. I have tried so very hard to be good to others, to treat them right, to have a good work ethic, to be a good listener, to be a ‘giver’, etc. It just seems as if even that is becoming less and less worth the effort. It’s not that people don’t care, because I am lucky enough to surround myself with a good posse of peeps who do, it’s just that I find myself not.
There isn’t any respite to the bullshit. No rest for the wicked. No moment of absolution and closure. It’s all just a continuation of watching horrible people make horrible decisions for horrible reasons and prosper. I’m not a religious man, I like to think I’m somewhat spiritual, but damn if karma isn’t a bitch. I’m really not sure what karmic debt of rung up, but I really would like to see a statement so I know how much I have left until it’s considered ‘Paid In Full’, ‘cause right now the bill is feeling a bit steep.
Maybe I’m just tired. Tired of arguing, of feeling like nothing gets accomplished, or feeling like no one cares outside of his or her own bullshit, just physically tired. I’ve tried to fill that void where the ‘tired’ sits. It just seems limitless, endless, and complete.
As I stand on that precipice I can’t even muster the energy to scream ‘WTF!?', instead I just want to curl up on the edge of that mental oblivion, lay my head down as comfortably possible, and sleep. I mean tomorrow has got to be better than today or yesterday’s bullshit, right?