Batman Returns Vs. The Ref

* = Dave?



Tomorrow I turn 36. It’s a lot to fathom for someone who spends a great deal of their time in ‘Imagination Land’. I have a job, I have a perfect wife, I have a house, friends, a car, etc., I have all these things I’m supposed to have, but it has, of late, felt hollow. I feel like I’m missing some type of direction or purpose. Maybe it’s because we haven’t had children yet and I’m fostering some deep recessed need to nurture another human being. Maybe it’s because I love my work and hate the folks that pay me for it. Maybe I’m just insufferable. It could be a lot of things.

It’s not that I don’t have goals or aspirations; it’s just that I’m a realist; contrary to those that label me a pessimist’s belief. Life has limitations. I know my limitations. I’m not as smart as some think I am, or as I’d like to be, I lack the talent to do something ‘great’, and I have the motivation of a lazy sloth. So it’s not like I have anyone to blame but myself. I’m comfortable, but restless, satisfied and yet hungry for more. It’s an odd feeling to have.

It might be that I’ve just come to terms with mortality. I feel like I’m now on the backend of the countdown. I caught myself tearing up on the drive in this morning realizing that I’m over half the age that my father lived to. It might be that for the first time in my life I again feel like I’m in 5th grade staring hard out the window and wishing I were anywhere else. In fact I feel like I’m in grade school everyday. It’s long, laborious busy work and I’m just biding my time for 3:22pm to arrive. The only difference there’s no Summer Break.

I don’t know if it’s the cough syrup talkin’ but my 35th year has been the shits. I feel unfulfilled, I think I’m pseudo-depressed, and I’m disillusioned with almost all aspects of my existence. I find solace in joy in small things, but I end up strangling them. You know the proverbial giant petting the rabbit. I just squeeze to hard. The thing is I’m not like this ALL the time, just a lot more than I want to be. In fact most of the time, well time when I’m doing things on “My Time” I’m pretty happy, a little melancholy, but nothing to serious.

I guess tomorrow I have this hope that I’ll look in the mirror and I’ll have grown. I’ll have changed, or things will be different. That time will finally yield its secrets to me, and I can be a ‘real adult’. The thing is I also don’t want to lose the part of me that obsesses to the point where I stay up WAY to late to make cards for the D&D Adventure System games because I finally have figured out Photoshop. Hell, who knows when I’ll even get to use my monsters, but that wasn’t the point, it was in the ‘making’. I don’t want to forget to sit and stare at the wall and wonder how cool it would be to have Captain Marvel, the real one aka the DC one, in the Marvel Universe, or about my ‘Space German’ army for the Basement/Garage Sci-Fi War that may or may not happen, or running my own take on Paizo’s Hook Mountain Pass Massacre adventure for my D&D Group(s), or any of myriad of Nerdy Crap.

Can one have his or her cake and eat it too? Can I remain a big Dork and yet be mature enough to be a “Real Adult” and possibly, or more importantly hopefully, a parent? Maybe I’m just not meant to know until it happens.

Either way I wake up tomorrow.

“I plot your rubric scarab, I steal your satellite
I want your wife to be my baby tonight
I choose to steal what you chose to show
And you know I will not apologize
Your mine for the taking
I'm making a career of evil
I'm making a career of evil
I'm making a career of evil

Pay me I'll be your surgeon, I'd like to pick your brains
Capture you, Inject you, leave you kneeling in the rain
I choose to steal what you chose to show
And you know I will not apologize
Your mine for the taking
I'm making a career of evil
I'm making a career of evil
I'm making a career of evil

I'd like your blue-eyed horseshoe; I'd like your emerald horny toad
I'd like to do it to your daughter on a dirt road

And then I'd spend your ransom money, but still I'd keep your sheep
I'd peel the mask your wearing, and then rob you of your sleep
I choose to steal what you chose to show
And you know I will not apologize
Your mine for the taking
I'm making a career of evil
I'm making a career of evil
I'm making a career of evil”


* = Brutha' I miss ya. More than I care to admit, more than I really understand. It always seemed that even when you didn't know what to do for yourself, you always led me down the right path. So tomorrow I'll raise that glass to you on a night when without you I wouldn't even exist. "...Another year older, another year closer to death..."