The Legend Of Boggy Creek II Vs. Squirm

* = Now for something completely different... 

I’m perplexed by humanity. We are capable of doing and being so much more than we are, and yet we happily wallow in a state of dysfunction. I know it takes every iota of my being to focus on not back-sliding into being a previous version or edition of myself. It takes a concerted effort to recognize and avoid selfish tendencies, snarky remarks, and overall douchebaggery, BUT I do. In fact, not to toot my own horn, but I do a damn fine job of it. See this ladies and gentlemen, all this AND modesty too! But I digress, I have found that I can be who I want to be, I can be better; to myself, to others, and most importantly to those people and things that I care about.

All its taken is a life time full of failure. I had to fail to get here. I’m not proud of it, and I’m certainly not ‘over’ all of it, but I have comes to terms with and learned from it. I have found that relationships break when communication dies. Whether it be friendships, familial relationships, or with significant others, when a relationship ends its not one person’s fault it’s the fault of all parties involved. To have something with someone you have to foster its growth. You have to nurture it, enjoy it, let it come to fruition and evolve on its own terms. If you neglect it, ignore its subtle changes, or make no attempt to have it grow not just with you personally, but with the other person(s) involved than it is doomed to end.

We are not solitary creatures. We need our groups, our peers, our family, our peeps, etc. We need them to challenge us, to encourage us, to be a support system, to listen, to love, to help us and for us in turn to do the same. It is a partnership. Even a friendship, not a simple acquaintance, is a vow. When I make a friend it is ‘serious bidniz’. I plan on being there for that person through thick and thin, to back them up, to listen to their stories of triumph and be that shoulder for their despair. I want happiness for them, in fact more than anything else I want to see the people I call friend to be happy. It hurts me when they are not.

That’s what is sort of funny. My family can come off as distant, harsh, and our sense of humor can be somewhat mean spirited by those that aren’t used to it or have a thin skin, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Last night I was talking to my sister, who I’ve always thought of as being an even brusquer person than I am, that is why it was so surprising when she talked to me about how sensitive she really is. I had no idea that behind the bravado, the cavalier attitude, and the ‘potty mouth’ she feels what she does. We are, after all, sort of self-imposed strangers to one another. I think what was funny about it was how similar it makes us.

Having my friends, and its more than one currently, dealing with serious relationship issues is extremely difficult. It’s difficult because it literally wounds me to watch them in pain. It hurts me to know that I am without the ability to help, to affect positive change, to help them avoid the pitfalls that potentially lay in front of them; it hurts because I am helpless. If you didn’t know I can NOT STAND being helpless.

I like action, solutions, resolutions, and forward momentum. I want to be involved, I want to be a part of doing the right thing, and I want to make the people I care about happy. When I fail at this it’s frustrating, confounding, and it honestly makes me sad. Knowing that things are outside of my ‘sphere of control’ and that my exasperating exercise in futility is for naught is maddening. I have to constantly remind myself that ‘it’s not my problem’. But isn’t that the ‘problem’? To watch the suffering of others without genuine empathy and concern isn’t that the main component of the  over-indulgent ‘ME FIRST’ attitude that I’ve worked so hard to eradicate?

It’s like I’m stuck in my own emotional/moral Kobayashi Maru, that’s Star Trek talk for those that don’t know. I can’t win, and if we’ve learned nothing together over the course of you reading this mindless drivel it’s that I love WINNING! I could make a cottage industry out of my deep seated need to win. Now again, this has ebbed greatly since the days of my misspent 'GINGER RAGE' youth, but it still is there, lingering just beneath the calm veneer, it simply waits to rear its ugly ginger head in a triumphant roar of unbridled joy & ecstasy. I have found a way to tame this beast in my breast, to harness it, and to use it only for ‘Good’. It doesn’t mean it’s gone. I even carry this over to these situations. I feel like a failure when I can’t apply some sort of mental/emotional salve to the wounds of my ‘Buddies’.

The thing is it is completely and utterly irrational. It is just like I know there was nothing I could do to prevent the death of my father, nothing to help him with his mental illness, and that I did everything I was capable of doing. It does not make it go away however. There is still this part of my brain that ‘spins’ like a mad top of ‘What If’, and ‘woulda, coulda, & shoulda’s’. I over analyze, abstract, and postulate about other human beings. It’s a character flaw.

It is a flaw to care so much and understand so little. When it comes to dealing with people I have no investment in I can be detached, clinical, objective, and inventive. However, when I’m in a relationship with another human being, I become incapable of these things. The emotion over rules the logic and I am left grasping at potentials. Life was a lot easier when I just didn’t give a shit about anyone else but me.
It was easier and far less fulfilling. To love, and this means friends, family, and significant others, is to risk.

You risk yourself, all of yourself; your confidence, your sense of identity, your secrets, your self-worth, etc. You are exposed, warts and all, to the judgments of another flawed person. You put yourself at their mercy. When they reject that it’s devastating. It ruins a part of you, that person you were becomes a phantom of another time and place. You are forced to be something else, to evolve into someone new. Loss, as horrible as it is, is necessary. Failure is necessary. Pain is necessary.

It’s just important to remember that you are not alone in it. I’ve used this quote a lot in this blog as time has gone along, because it’s true and multifaceted; “We are all alone, together”. No one should lose themselves in another, forget who and what they are, and allow themselves to be shaped at the whim of circumstance. You don’t need someone to make you ‘you’ or ‘complete’; you need ‘YOU’ to do those things. That being said, without the bonds of friendship, trust, compassion, unconditional love, understanding, and a willingness to forgive, grow, and empathize we are not human.

Without those things we become so much less, so much of a caricature of a person. I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t want that. I don’t want it for me, for my wife, my family, and certainly not for my friends. So you be who and what you are going to be, I’ll fret over how I can’t be like Superman and fly so fast around the world that we can go back in time, and together we’ll be friends and get through this. No matter what.  I promise.

Whew that was a lot of words about emotions and stuff, I need a palate cleanser of…

RANDOM CRAP!

- As long as the weather complies and allows me grill tonight there won’t be a problem. Hear that weather, I’m WATCHING YOU!
- We need to get D&D on the calendar, because I’ve got the ‘itch’ to run right now. There are just SO many strange and fun ideas mashing through my gourd. The potential stories and tales are just bubbling up through my subconscious and invading my daily thinking.
- It really was an interesting and enlightening conversation with my sister last night, it’s sad we haven’t had more of them in our lives. Maybe we’ll get to in the future.
- I’m fiending for sushi.
- Oh Percy, why do you want traded? Is it because the new system is Tight End orientated, or is it because you hate losing, or are you still just the spoiled brat you were at the University of Florida? Either way, if he’s going to be a giant pain in the ass for the Vikings, they should trade him for either secondary help, or another wide receiver. His value is never going to be higher than it is right now, so strike while you can.
- Speaking of the NFL, after reading what Drew Brees wrote yesterday the Saints have officially become the team I loathe. I will actively be rooting against them in every game from here on out. Oh and Anthony Hargrove, your little press conference was an embarrassment. You came off like an idiot. If you’re going to fight the league, like Vilma or Fujita, then get a lawyer and let them talk for you.
- If the weather is decent Saturday night I’m thinking of having a fire in my driveway, sans Sailor Jerry. He’s not invited.
- The white sauce chicken lasagna we made is delicious, but DAMN is it rich.
- I’ve been contemplating a D&D villain who is an old wizard who rules a small mountain country. He has a GIANT mechanical dragon and 100 daughters, who may or may not be; A) Cannibals/Ghouls B) Clones C) Possessed OR D) All Of The Above. In fact maybe the wizard is less of a wizard and more of a guy who has discovered long lost technology from either a dead civilization or from a crashed alien vessel. He’s gained power through these spells &/or devices and now he wishes to disseminate his brood out into the world, BUT they are too unpredictable, too much their ‘Father’s daughters’. It’s just a thing rattling around in my brain.
- I’m in desperate need of a solid night’s sleep, just one 8 to 10 hour jaunt into the Dreamlands to refresh my mind, body and soul. It’s either that or another bout with Sailor Jerry’s, a rematch no one wants to see & one no one really wins.
- Sometime here VERY soon I’m going to bust out that Goat Leg and grill it. I’m thinking in a few weeks.
- Beefy Jerky makes me happy.
- Dave, how about some Board Gaming on Sunday?
- I miss Chili. This weather is just not conducive for it, but damn if I’m not hungry for it.

And with that I’ve reached the maximum my attention span can produce today. Happy Dinosaur Rides!

“Hand me down my walkin’ cane
Hand me down my hat
Hurry now and don’t be late
'Cause we ain’t got time to chat

You and me we’re goin’ out
To catch the latest sounds
Guaranteed to blow your mind
So high you won’t come down

Hey, y’all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
You’re bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam
Oh, Lord, this dude is outta sight
Everything he does
seems to come out right

Once I went to hear them play
At a club outside of town
I was so surprised, I was hypnotized
By the sound this cat’s puttin’ down

When I saw this short fat guy
Stretch a band between his toes
Hey, I laughed so hard ‘cause the man got down
When he finally reached his goal

Hey, y’all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
You’re bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam

Got that rubberband
Up on his toes
And then he wriggled it up
All around his nose

(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)
Guaranteed to blow your mind
(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)
Playin’ all that music, yet keepin’ time
(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)
Where in the world did he learn that, oh, Lord
(Doo doo doo doo doo)
Lord, help him get away

Hey, y’all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
You’re bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam

Doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo
Rubberband man, Rubberband man
How much of this stuff do he think we can stand
So much rhythm, grace and debonair from one man, Lord
And then he had nerve to wiggle his left toe
To his knee, got the feelin’ in his head, y’all
Ah, come on, baby

Hey, y’all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man
You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man
You’re bound to lose control
When the Rubberband starts to jam

Rubberband man starts to jam
Movin’ up and down across the land
Got people all in his ways
Everything about him seems out of place

Just a movin’, just a movin’, just a move-move-movin’
Just a Rubberband, Rubberband man
Just a movin’, just a movin’, just a move-move-movin’
Just a Rubberband, Rubberband man

Get down
Oh, get down lover
Uh-huh”

* = For your information, IT IS!