* = Ah, it's as if Mr. T. can read my damn fool mind.
I am in a tremendous amount of discomfort. It feels as if someone is trying to play the harp with the muscles from the back of my left knee to behind my left shoulder blade. I can’t really remember when I’ve felt this invasively physically miserable. It hurts to stand, to sit, to sleep, to go to the bathroom. I drove to work today with both of my feet feeling numb and tears in my eyes. It’s just non-stop, unrelenting, and unwavering. It’s affecting my sleep, my mood, my ability to get things done and my overall attitude towards all people, places, and things.
Don’t’ get me wrong I normally deal with pain rather well. I have had a lot of surgery done on this old bag of bones, I’ve put on the ‘brave face’ and competed when I shouldn’t have, and I’ve sucked it up and dealt with things rather well for the vast majority of my life. My ankles, my knees, and my shoulders are shot. To get out of bed in the morning is a process, making it down a flight of stairs to get to my bathroom an endeavor. Over time I’ve developed a mental process to shut out that ache, pop, burn, repeat that I get from the betrayal of my body. I have a process I go through on a daily basis to cope and strive with pain. I take that black blot of pain in my ‘white room’ and force it into a black rectangle, which I force into a triangle, which gets pushed into an octagon, which then goes back into a circle. I concentrate, I accept, and I re-focus my attention on the things I can control rather than this burden I get to endure. All that being said, when ‘new’ pain arrives it can throw my little internal system out of whack.
When I can’t cope I tend to really hate life. I just want to check out and become disengaged from almost everything. People become annoying, problems become things to ignore, and all I want to do is find a comfortable hole to crawl in, lie down, and ‘die’. The thing is we don’t appreciate each other’s pain. We really don’t. When you come to me and tell me how much you hurt, there is a part of me that internally goes ‘suck it up, I’ve had worse’. The thing is, much like beauty, pain is in the eye of the beholder. What might seem like nothing to me might seem like the end of the world to you, and vice versa. No one appreciates the physical suffering you or I struggle with when we are at our worst.
I’m not sure I even want them to. I can remember watching my father, stooped, suffering, shuffling, unable to stand erect, breathing hard just to get ten feet. I remember watching him and thinking, ‘someone put a bullet in me if I ever get there’. When I feel like this I’d like that bullet sooner rather than later. I can understand why people self-medicate, I know I want to. Feeling like this makes me want to rip my own skin off to feel anything other than that ache that is currently overwhelming everything else.
The thing is I should be happy. Money is handled, debt is disappearing at break neck speed, my friends are happy, my family is healthy, and most of my daily stressors are in a state of ‘remission’. However this black cloud of constant pain is breaking me down mentally. I’m losing my ability to find joy in things. Food doesn’t taste good, the company of my lovely wife has become an irritation, and sleep has gone from a moment of respite to a place where symptoms are exacerbated. Maybe I’m just tired and therefor feeling this far more acutely than normal. I need this to get better though, and I need it to happen fast, because I’m not sure how much longer I can ‘do’ this.
The thing I’ve realized is that by and large I can’t talk to people. I have an incredible wife, uncanny Friends, and a plethora of friends. However I have a hard time talking to them effectively. I listen well. I compare and contrast decently. I do ‘guy’ things well communication wise. However what I don’t do well is express my negatives in the moment well. It’s like they are stuck in my mouth and fall out like soundless sand. I think perhaps I’m terrified my thoughts, feelings, and emotions will be disregarded or invalidated. The reality is that I don’t think this will happen at all, and yet I fear it. Perhaps it’s a holdover from previous relationships, perhaps it’s mimicking the behavior of family members, or perhaps I’m just a stubborn fuck, who knows? All I know is that this blog becomes my refuge. It’s a place for me to shout these things out and not have to respond to the slings, arrows, or even life lines that get tossed my way. And it’s not that I don’t care about you, the readers of this schlock, or your opinions it’s just that in the moment I can’t see beyond my own bullshit to process it.
I am intensely egocentric. I have a very defined view of myself. I am selfish, stubborn, and as has been pointed out to me often by Friends VERY judgmental. I also can be caring, magnanimous, and selfless. In short I can be human; very, VERY human. It’s just that when I feel like this I don’t feel human at all, I feel like a thing, a broken, beaten, and tired Thing. And that is hard for me to deal with.
Well that was ‘happy fun time’ wasn’t it? How about we look at this week’s Shattered Star previews? Good, I thought you’d agree.
We finished Justified Season 3 (Infinite *’s out of 5!) last night.
Let’s wrap up this cluster F’ up with some…
- It was Sean’s birthday party on Saturday. Man he has grown up. He and Maddy just blow my mind whenever I get to spend time around them. It’s like you are seeing life in fast forward. Not to mention Gus, who is GIGANTIC now. That little rug rat is already crawling.
- I didn’t get my banana bread. I’m beginning to think I might take a stab at it myself.
- However we did partake of the pulled pork, crock pot style. It was really good. I had to sharpen it up a bit with some heat and some background flavors but it was addictively good. I think it would have been even better if we had used a pork shoulder rather than a pork loin. Although with the lack of fat on the loin it made pulling it far easier.
- I hate raking.
- DREAD is on Friday and the roster is starting to fill up.
- I’m re-listening to Waves Of Mercury “The Great Darkness”. I had forgotten how hauntingly beautiful it is.
- Zack is BACK in the D&D group and I couldn’t be happier. He has constructed a very interesting and intriguing new character. We’ll see how it all fits together in next month’s session.
- Paymaster Games has a really cool looking Kickstarter called Going Native, any of you who like really interesting miniatures should give it a gander.
- I’m contemplating attempting to write some more lyrics for Dave if I can muster up some inspirado.
- Little to no painting got accomplished this weekend. I just couldn’t set to long on the chairs. I’m slightly frustrated by this current dilemma. Especially as March 2013 continues to speed towards me as Miniature Armageddon! That is when my Reaper Bones Kickstarter order will arrive.
- Warhammer Quest this Sunday at Steve’s! I’m excited to die horribly.
And with that I think I’m run the gamut of emotions enough today. There is a mug of hot tea and a handful of Ibuprofen awaiting me.
“I) The Warning
All that falls and all that wilts
So begins in decay
As above and so below
Shooting stars from the House of God
Those who stand before us shall pay
The Judgement of Gods
II) The Observation
I saw mankind die
Awash upon the shore
I dwell within the wait
I know where you stand...
Along the broken path
I will see you again
Cut you down to size
And know this...
I have watched you as you grow
I've seen you fall before
And yet you rise up high
Only to fall back again
Down to your knees
I have seen your ways
I will remain forever, forever
And there you stand alone
With your faith and hope
That you will rise again
But soon I will pull you down
And you will all come to rest
Awash on this bloody shore
Then I will pull you down
Awash on this bloody shore
Now as you crumble away
You will see how it begins
And how it ends in pain
These words I have told you before
Each time you repeat yourself
At times we think you will learn
But it's always far too late
III) The Reckoning
Beheading of sanity
Desecration of virtue
The end of reason
No reason for the end
Cries of the lost
Mourning of the skies
Ashes of mankind
Float in bitter hues
The worlds you walk
The gods you pray
They are as nothing
Before the Undying
Eyes may witness
The glory that is ours
Beyond your knowing
We are magnificent”