I am beginning to think that I am a horrible friend. I put people on pedestals, I over invest in them, and in the end it leads to a bitterness that is barely palpable. It’s the taste of disappoint, it’s ash in my mouth. I think I just want so much for people to be something intangible and fill some unknown void in my being. It’s even hard to type this because my stupid eyes won’t stop watering. I don’t want to cry at work, but I just feel awful. Sometimes I wonder how my father felt inside, and sometimes I know.
The people that I know are phenomenal. They are mothers, fathers, artists, sons, daughters, musicians, ‘imagineers’, dream weavers, sculptors, painters, cooks, crafts people, etc. They ARE things, and they DO things. They contribute to the beauty around them tangibly. I don’t do this. I critique, and I riff on things, sometimes I day dream, and sometimes I try things, but overall the only thing I tangibly give the world is a feeble attempt at making my wife happy. I surround myself with these people in the hopes that some of the “IT” they have will rub off on me. I think I become frustrated because it does not.
I’m the same old me. Which makes me wonder if I’m the same ‘Old Me’ that I was over ten years ago. Have I changed or grown at all, or is it all just a carefully self-crafted mirage in order to better function within my world? Is Cassandra any better off than Kelley was with me, or am I simply better at being what she wants me to be? If by having an inner directed emotional state or sense of being I am THIS, what would happen if I became more outer directed and took my cues from those around me more readily, and allowed those people to dictate who and what I am?
There is a tearing at the core of my being of who I am and how it affects those around me. I can’t keep fucking these relationships up. I can’t keep losing the people in the center of my circle so quickly. Or maybe I can, and should. Perhaps it’s not just me.
Maybe I just make bad decisions in who I befriend. I tend to want to be around strong personalities who are social butterflies. They also tend to be people with very strong opinions, about everything, and seem to be similar to myself in their strong willed way of ‘discussing’ them with others. Perhaps I just gravitate to folks too similar to myself. Too often they are more ready to defend themselves and their views rather than try and see the perspective of others. Too often, like me, they find saying “I’m sorry” an anathema.
Am I the way they are because I choose to hang out with them or do I ‘turn’ them into me. I am terrified by this idea, because I have seen my wife adapt some of my behaviors, some good some not so much. I have this weird thing of being a force of personality sometimes rather than a person. I become easy to dislike or like, I become easy to ‘hate’ because I don’t care, and I become easy to come to with problems because I will listen. The fact is I do care, shit I care too much about too many things. Even the smallest thing causes me a tremendous amount of self-inflicted guilt and tons of time spent trying to ‘figure it out’. As for listening, I don’t mind doing it as long as I shut down that part of me, and just go into ‘work mode’. I’m good at detaching when it comes to problem solving, that’s why it is so damn frustrating that I can’t do it as well all the time with all people.
My problem, I think, is I want to save everyone and don’t give two shits about saving myself. Like I said before I’m always prattling on and on uselessly about trying to ‘get it right’, ‘putting my pants on one leg at a time every day’, and just generally trying to be ‘better’. Reading those makes feel like a walking cliche', I am a walking cliche', Christ on a F'ning pogo stick. I can’t help but think that if I was doing this for someone else I’d be a smashing success, then why the F’ can’t I do it for myself? Why do I seem SO damn doggedly determined to focus on the negative, to enter into interpersonal relationships where I end up feeling butt hurt, and to be unable to effectively deal with other people.
I mean seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I constantly tout how I am trying to be ‘better’, how I’m learning from my mistakes, and attempting to really live up to my potential. Am I though? Am I when even things I intend to be harmless do harm? Am I when rather than finding common ground I simply make common battlegrounds? Am I when here I am writing this? I don’t think I am. I think this entire ‘Be Better’ thing has been an unmitigated failure. I mean ask yourself people who read this worthless crap, am I better than when you knew me previously? Cassandra, your vote doesn’t count.
And do I really think ‘sorry‘ is enough? I know there plenty of times when people say it to me and it isn’t. Why should I expect them to feel any differently? If I was so ‘sorry’ why did I do it in the first place? If I was so ‘sorry’ why do I having to keep apologizing for things? It’s just a word, doesn’t it really mean anything? Well it must because I keep having it fall out of my fat mouth. All this talk about personal accountability and apparently rather than just not doing something I feel that I can solve it all with ‘sorry’.
People are gloriously complex and I’m beginning to see that I am not. I’m simple, very simple in fact. The complexities of these friendships are beginning to feel impossible for me to figure out. In my head I know this, and in my heart I simply want that feeling of joyous bonding we had at like 7 years old. You know before things got complicated, before people got complicated. I just don’t understand these relationships any more. I’m beginning to think I don’t want to.
I’m starting to think that in order to protect my soft, tender insides that I should start to withdraw a bit. I’ve been trying a lot harder with my family lately, and it’s the same old same old, so I think it’s time to go back to my ‘policy of isolationism’. I have been very flustered and butt hurt with my Friends of late, perhaps it is time to emotionally distance myself. I’m contemplating a similar personal policy to my post-divorce relationship policy; friends not Friends.
As I’ve written before I have a crap ton of friends; great and amazing people. These are folks I hang out with all the time, they are there when they have time, and usually it’s a fun time. They have a limited investment in me and I in them. There are spelled out boundaries, rules, and functions in our relationships. It’s black and white, concrete, objective, and it makes sense to me. It’s people who I call or impose Friendship on that cause me either unfettered joy or unbridled disappointment. While some of those disappointments and issues are theirs and theirs alone, many of those I have at the very least had a hand in. I’ve always been convinced that relationships, any relationship, take two to succeed and two to fail. Like I said before I over invest, I attach to easily, I put people on those pedestals and then am hurt when they inevitably fail. I must be the investment bank of Failure. In essence I’m an idiot.
These folks don’t need me or my bullshit, hell I don’t need me or my bullshit. I think I want to go back and re-examine said bullshit, apparently I REALLY like to type bullshit today, and try and figure out what it means, to try and figure out just what I am missing in my life that I keep unsuccessfully trying to fill with Friendships. In the meantime, I think it’s time to spend some time by myself and attempt to re-assess, regroup, and contemplate just who I am and who I would prefer to be.
There is the rub. I am not my father, I have no intention in allowing these disappointments and failed relationships define who I am or will be. I’m a new model; I’ll make all new, all different uncanny mistakes. In the meantime I think it’s time I set myself up for some successes, whether that is with Friends or without remains to be seen.
Well that was almost as fun as my weekend. Hooray.
RANDOM CRAP!
- Hey there was a Shattered Star preview this week;
- D&D was crap, and it was my fault. I'm thinking about just being done for awhile.
- I want to touch upon the Goodness of the weekend, buy pointing out that Zack ran a HELL of a fun DREAD game on Friday night. The Left Hand Of Judgment turned out to not be about whaling at all. It instead was about a ship wreck on an island full of cannibalistic Christian missionaries battling a Cthulhu cult trying to awaken the Great Old One. I ended up playing an 11 year old girl who was not only the daughter of the crazy captain, but also was pretending to be a boy. At some point I lost my shit entirely and become THE most ruthless murderer in the group. I like to think that once this adventure was over little Mary Ann Collins ended up in a Captain Kurtz situation off the coast of Africa somewhere. I also want to point out that without John, Amber, Bob, other Ben, and the indomitable ‘Lady’ Christy the game wouldn’t have been near as fun. So thank you to them and thank you to Zack for again reminding me what DREAD can be when it’s run well.
- On another side note of Goodness we started Cassandra’s birthday week! Flowers and chocolate milk on Saturday, and her first two presents yesterday. It’ll be two presents a day until Sunday. Although I didn’t get her anything huge this year I’m hoping all these little gifts show my affection and devotion.
- Reaper posted a picture of one of their Bones Dracholich, and BEHOLD;
- I think Jesus doesn’t want me to rake the yard; otherwise he wouldn’t keep putting weather or time obstacles in my way.
- Maybe I just need a good cup of hot chocolate and a nap. If I sleep, for like a month, when I wake up I’ll either have figured it all out or at least most of the problems will have sorted themselves out.
Before I go back to pure negativity I’m going to end this blog.
“I wasn't there when you needed me
You never let me in your life
I didn't say what bothered me
You sure said more than that
The silence that followed didn't do us any good
And it seems like you settled for me
Cause I was the best that you could get
But there wasn't enough
I know what you want and you're not the one for me
I've been leaving you since the day we met
And it feels like you have too
I remember when I met you
The day I saw your smile
And now it's time to let go, oh, it's time to feel alive
The problems I had with you
Are the ones you had with me
Even though we were holding love
We both know we drifted apart
I guess this is it – why bother when there's nothing left
When neither you nor me are here
Growing bitter and uncomfortably numb
Losing what we had
At least we tried but it wasn't meant to be
I've been leaving you since the day we met
And it feels like you have too
The reasons that I loved you
Are the ones that made me go
The reasons that I loved you
Oh, I've got to let you know
I should have seen it coming, should have known what to expect
I should have seen the signs, should have known that it was wrong
I've been leaving you since the day that we met
And it feels like you have too
The reasons that I loved you
Oh, are the ones that made me go
The reasons that I loved you
Oh, I got to let you know
I am sorry that we got here
But I'm glad, glad that we are done
I don't wanna go back there
Cause the love I felt is gone
Cause the love I felt is gone “
* = I wouldn't be surprised to hear this is the reason I have a lot of friends, it's because I'm easy like Sunday morning...
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