Wangmagwi Vs. Yongary, Monster from the Deep

I am not afraid of much. I know that sounds like a humble brag of some type, and it could be considered that, but it isn’t. I’m just not. Fear doesn’t hold sway over me. Snakes don’t bother me, neither do moths nor butterflies, I don’t like heights but I’m not scared, and death is simply another part of the journey. See I’ve almost had my ticket punched twice; I’ve got to see amazing things, experience horrible tragedy, and live moments of bliss that I still cannot entirely comprehend. I’ve lived, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and I’ve loved. So when I think about my mortality or being hurt I don’t really fear it.

It doesn’t mean I don’t have fears though I am afraid of failure. I loathe it, and it haunts me. I fear potential. I don’t like the idea of becoming something beyond my control. But more than that, more than anything else in this world or any other I fear guilt. I can be crippled by guilt, both real and imagined. I feel a responsibility to for so many things, and when I perceive that I have not done ‘right’ by someone or something, or not ‘helped’ someone, or missed an opportunity, or even just desperately wanted a different outcome from what happened my stupid brain spins into overdrive.

I have used the fear of failure as a fuel to do things I couldn’t or shouldn’t have been able to accomplish, I think mainly as a big F’ OFF to the world. It has steeled me while keeping me humble. It is something I understand and have come to terms with. The fear of potential pushes me to not give into the easy paths of selfishness or despair. I try desperately to be something I never thought capable of and I work just as hard to keep those periodic bouts of melancholy to simple bumps in the road rather than the road itself.

The guilt though, the guilt serves NO purpose. It is a superfluous feeling of weakness and powerlessness. It is simply feeding the beast, and it vexes me horribly. I know better. I know there are things I can’t change, there are events I cannot and could not affect, and I completely comprehend that sometimes the events of life our beyond our ability to control. And yet, and yet I can’t shake this albatross that I somehow have chosen to wear firmly around my thick neck.

That is the most horrible thing, the self-awareness. If I was ignorant to the inner machinations of my brain and just felt it would be SO much easier. I wouldn’t care, I would just feel. There is something honest in that. I truly think that ignorance is bliss. I don’t have that bliss, I just don’t. Instead I am fully aware. I get that it is an unhealthy and avoidable pattern of thought, and yet I continue to do it. I carry it around like a badge of courage, like some crown on a furrowed brow symbolizing my desire to be more than I really am. I mourn decisions I never made, because they weren’t mine. It is the stupidest and most frustrating thing in the history of the G.D. world. And I know it; I know it in every ounce of my being. That is the thing that makes it truly horrific, and hence something I fear.

I fear it because it can hold sway and court over my life. It can make me emotional, it can rob me of my rational thought, and it can affect my sleep. I’ve had a run of terrible dreams of late. Last night was the worst. I dreamed that I was surrounded by friends and family at some important place. For some reason I was determined to watch this place. People came and went from that place as the people slowly dwindled I realized that I was becoming a statue, rooted to that place in silent vigilance. In the very end I was completely alone, a stone guardian to nothing, completely and utterly alone. Just the idea of it sucks the wind from my lungs, and leaves a pit in my stomach.

The reality is just writing this out gives me more perspective, and sort of pulls a bit of the weight off of my shoulders. I have a significant difficulty putting my thoughts and emotions into meaningful conversation a lot of time, but writing them out is simple. It takes piss and vinegar out of it all. It takes the subjective, emotional turmoil and gives it form. It is like putting a tiger back in its cage, form to chaos, direction and purpose to energy, or resealing the Djinn into its bottle. I bleed these out into the typed word where they do little harm to anyone and give me the ability to examine and re-examine the flaw in the hopes of finding a better way of being.

And in the end that is all I can do, continue to try and find the correct formula for the passion that the fear gives me. I’ll I can do is do what I do best; Try.

Well that was cathartic, how about some…

RANDOM CRAP!

- The L.E.W.G.I. PPV viewing party of Night Of Champions was last Sunday. What a mediocre PPV, it was like paying for RAW. However the viewing was outstanding.

Gene couldn’t make it, but sent one of the funniest pictures I’d seen in a while as a response. Plus we got the above picture, which is sweet. I got to finally meet ‘YO Randy!’ in person which was a treat. Couple that with the fact the brought boxes, yes plural, of pure wrestling swag to give away and you have someone who I can completely forgive for being a Broncos fan. The thing was that the early part of the card was so mediocre, so bland that we all were stunned. Things did pick up with the CM Punk match, which we knew they would. The thing was we all knew this was more of a continuation of storyline rather than a completion. So it wasn’t a big surprise when Ryback showed up and did his shtick. The only real big surprise of the night was the finish to the Main Event. Almost all of us figured that there would be full blown shenanigans denying our Internet Darling his run with the belt that night. Instead we received another clean win with the real swerve waiting till Monday night. It was nice to leave the PPV with a smile even if it was just temporary. I think the real key is watching wrestling with the L.E.W.G.I. makes even mediocre wrestling fantastic. It was a great night because of the people, not so much the product.

- Discussing Planescape with Zack last night was pure bliss.

- D&D tonight, coming hot on the heels of 2nd Group last Saturday. I tried something a bit different on Saturday. I went more 2nd Edition style, well for me at least, and winged it.

I had an idea on how the session would begin how I wanted it to end, but everything in the middle was completely done on the fly. It cut down on my prep time and it allowed me to be a bit more flexible in thought. I was able to crank up the tension by using the Zack tactic of multiple encounters with no rest. Every time things started to slow I just used the environment and some low end baddies to keep the threat level high. It gave me time to figure out exactly how I wanted the cliffhanger to come into play, which actually was pretty funny since El Bobert-O’s smart playing was almost made me through the whole thing out. In the end though I felt it played out well and I thought it was a solid session. Tonight I’m going to try the same technique. I have an idea of how the session will begin and I a decent feeling about how I want it to end. The middle however is up in the air, although I have a reasonable idea on some of the ‘scenes’. I want to really crank up the ‘Horror’ vibe, and tonight I’m contemplating going full Cronenberg on it! In the end I can only hope that I can make it run quickly, efficiently, and more than anything make it fun!

- I sometimes wonder if I am just a terrible judge of character.

- There is a lot of stuff on the horizon and it all looks fantastic; Friday Night SMACKDOWN, Baconacolypse, a possible 2nd Annual Trivia Death Match, more D&D, potential Movie-A-Thons, and then next month Halloween. I like being busy. I like having a home where we host groups of people and treat them like family. At the same time I am beginning to appreciate more and more the time I get with Cassandra and Cassandra alone. Just the simple moments where we can be together laughing, or cuddling, or just discussing the weird stuff we talk about. She keeps me grounded, motivated, and sane. Having all these people in my life who are amazing has been a real godsend, but having Cassandra as my Best Friend, the love of my life, and my wife is beyond words.

- I want Meatloaf and I have no Earthly idea why.

- The CHIKARA mega story is continuing forward. In fact I read that the Gekido returned, still sporting their Quackenbush sustained injuries, and tore apart the ‘Wrestling Is…Intense’ promotion.

For those that don’t know, the ‘Wrestling Is…’ Family of promotions are the satellites of CHIKARA. The Gekido was the Bizzaro evil version of Mike Quackenbush, Jigsaw, and the Colony. Jigsaw embraced his ‘Evil’ counterpart The Shard and they formed a Rudo (that means bad guys) team of Pieces Of Hate. The ‘Evil’ Colony, The Swarm, was shattered by Quackenbush destroying CombatANT and the machinations of the devious Director Of Fun, Wink Vavasseur’s ‘Chikarametrics’ where he mixed and matched teams. He intermingled the Swarm & The Colony to disastrous effect. Then you have Quack’s doppelganger, 17, whose hand he broke. As you can see CombatANT and 17 are back, and with a vengeance! Between that and the release of the next ‘Ashes’ chapter showing Icarus going to a Dragongate U.S.A. show to cheer on his F.I.S.T. teammate the AMAZING ‘Sexy Chucky T’ Chuck Taylor you have this giant, sprawling mega-story speeding forward. Perhaps we’ll get a conclusion of some type at King Of Trios 13, which currently doesn’t exist. Whatever happens next I am thoroughly enthralled.

- It saddens me that I am not enjoying football as much as I used to.

- I am completely stumped when it comes to naming the new Podcast. There have been a lot of great suggestions thrown out, I’ve put out at least 50 ideas, and yet nothing has hit me like Careers In Evil or Heel Turn Radio did. Those names just clicked with me and I feel good about them. Nothing of late has had that same feel. Heel Turn Radio is going to be flipping ridiculous once we get going! The L.E.W.G.I. crew is too damn fun for it not to be a blast. It is the other one, the spiritual successor to what we were doing with Careers In Evil that I can’t seem to get my head wrapped around. There was so much good stuff Dave and I were able to do, but I want a lot of that to be what it was. At the same time I put a lot of love and work into that, and want to carry on the parts that gave me intense joy. I’m going to have to think long and hard about what I end up going with. You see I don’t want it to be good; I NEED it to be good. I’m not sure why, but I need it to be as good as what we used to hammer out. I love the formats I roughly have in place, and I am beyond excited to get going and have people on, but the name, the name is going to be the damn death of me.

- Thunderstorms are one of my favorite things in the history of…well things…

- So just found out I have to drop $700 plus on car repairs. $700 that I don’t really have. $700 that was there to go and knock out some the remaining bills we have.

Every time we get our fiscal plan right where we want it something comes along and takes a steaming poo on our collective faces. Just when we start planning about finishing the basement, possibly getting a new car, etc. some unforeseen expense comes in and smashes us. And it isn’t ever anything small, it’s like a $4,000 dollar post Poo Tornado repair, or a $5,000 new street, or some other crazy ass thing that touches us up for more than we are willing to part with in one shot. I knew what sort of financial life I was going to have doing what I have chosen to do for a living, but damn if I wouldn’t like to catch a break of some type. I loathe discussing, thinking about, or even bitching about money, but I figured doing it here is better than throwing a chair.

- I think I’ll be DMing with a beverage in hand tonight, lord knows I feel like I deserve it…

That’s all I really got, and it is most likely far more than you care to hear…

“No Horizon Is Obscured By The Clouds. Settlements Make Nary A Sound.

And There Were Black Birds Singing And Fish Floating On The Sea.

While The Bells Of The Buoys All Rang In Harmony.

Bury Your Treasure, Burn Your Crops,
Black Water Rising And It Ain't Gonna Stop.

The Governor He Been Long Gone, Anchor Dropped On His Front Lawn.
Build A Keep And Dig A Moat, The Return Of The Swollen Goat.
Can You Hear The Fife And Drums, Barnacles Barking At The Sun.

Ain't No Chance, So Don't You Try, Now Everybody Got To Die.

Bury Your Treasure, Burn Your Crops,

Black Water Rising And It Ain't Gonna Stop.

We Do Not Desire Tributes.

We Desire Information.

We Seek The Worm Drink Who Has Lately Betrayed His Nation

Albatross On Your Neck And A Hooker On The Shore,

Dog-Men To The Deck, There's A Hooker On The

In The Wake Of The Swollen Goat

Bury Your Treasure, Burn Your Crops,

Black Water Rising And It Ain't Gonna Stop.”

* = Believe it or not I wore that costume as a child.  I'm not sure whether I did the 'Come At Me Bro' thing, but I like to think I did...