* = This is very true, but was FACT yesterday. I'm over it. I think. Ok, maybe not, but I can live with it. Stop looking at me like that! No that isn't an incendiary device in my hands honest...
Sometimes I can’t get out of my own way. Sometimes that’s a good thing sometimes it is a bad thing. Life has been a whirlwind of late, and I’m alright with that. I know it seems counter to my normal meandering through existence taking my time to smell the proverbial roses. However, I am nothing if not multifaceted and adaptable. The thing with being busy is it normally doesn’t afford me the time to sit and ponder my existence the way I am sometimes wont to do.
Normally being the key word. Of late though I’ve been trying to take some hard looks at some of my relationships, my thoughts, my feelings, and my process of dealing with others, I’ve come to realize that in my rush to please or ‘help’ others I’ve put myself in some positions I’d rather not be in. You see giving or being kind is not natural for me. I don’t think it is my personal default setting. I have to work at it, and I’ve gotten pretty good at it, but it is work nonetheless. At heart I can be a petulant child who wants what he wants when he wants it. I’ve managed to pretty successfully cage that beast of selfishness that beats so fiercely in my heart.
But have I gone too far in the other direction? In my rush to be a better person have I made myself someone who is easily manipulated or taken advantage of? Cassandra would tease me that I have a real hard time telling some ‘No’, and yet that my desire, true desire, to ‘do right’ by the people I befriend might be the best quality that this current version of me has. Is there a balance to be struck in the selfishness and selflessness? And how does one find it?
How do you look at situations and know when it is time to set your pride aside? I am a self-deprecation machine. I have pride, but it is hidden. I attempt to not let it rule my decision making nor show it too publicly. I really do enjoy telling people I’m not smart, or that I’m built like a butter sculpture, or that I have a face only a mother could love and even she doesn’t, or that I’m an asshole, etc. The fact is some of these things are true, in degrees. I do not, and will not hide from my flaws or limitations.
But the true hidden weakness, the thing that burns me is that I ‘Want’. I desire to be liked, as loathe as I am to admit it. I want people to see through this shield I throw up as a deterrent. I really do long to help others regardless of the cost. I am not even sure why. There is neither rhyme nor reason for it. I don’t really see it as a manifestation of my upbringing. I can’t think of someone who was such a force in my life that they turned me towards this. And as I stated earlier I don’t even think it really is my default nature. I think it is just the realization that I’m human, and humans desire acceptance.
I just need to find a way to find acceptance without compromising too much or putting myself in awkward positions. I think it can be done. I need to temper enthusiasm with moderation. I have to find a way to not sacrifice the trust I want to put in others on the altar of being a pessimist of interpersonal relationships I form. This is the real battle I’m going to have to fight internally and win. I think it is doable if I stay honest with myself and learn from my mistakes.
What a strange little rambling mess that was. Oh blog, this is why no one reads you. Anywho let’s wrap it up with some…
RANDOM CRAP!
- James & His Mighty Beard informed me today, 100 CAW slots in WWE 2K14. “My gawd, MY GAWD 100 slots, 100 SLOTS!” That was my best Jim Ross Internet(s), you are welcome.
- I’m reading Nietzsche’s ‘Beyond Good & Evil’ at the behest of the Uncanny Kedrin. It is a test. I’m finding that it is making me really take a look at some of my thought processes, while at the same time a test for my brain as I dig through Nietzsche’s craziness. I like it. It reminds me of the same type of challenge that ‘The King In Yellow’ and ‘House Of Leaves’. It is going to make me think on multiple levels and it is like a really rich meal, I’m going to have to devour it slow.
- I didn’t watch a lick of football Sunday, and I’m sort of ok with that.
- The mohawk is getting long. I seriously need to trim the sides up as I'm starting to look like a chubby Ginger version of Eddie Edwards. And I don't mean dude I grew up with down the street. I'm not sure if I want to cut off the back part of it, but I am at least keeping it till Halloween as it fits my Bane outfit perfectly. I'm becoming strangely attached to it as my one of my default haircuts. For whatever reason I think it kinda looks good on me. Maybe its my weird shaped head...
- We mowed this week, it looks good. The yard smells like shite though from the manure that has been put in place for the sod they are installing.
- 4th Group is shaping up rather nicely. Here is what I’ve got out there to the group so far;
The Ebony Tribunal constantly seeks to subvert the 5 Dragon Lords and restore the rule of Ō Moeru Oni (King Burning Demon) to his Throne Of Bones at the foot of the Staircase to the Heavens.
The Golden Regents Of The Jade Isles were broken in the War Of Mists when their Oni led armies we crushed like waves on the rocks while attempting to invade the lands of the 'Kept Queen'. While their upstart army is in disarray and their forces scattered their remaining forces strive to find items of power to resurrect their destroyed leader Ōgon No Ryū Kōtei to life. And therefor back towards his quest to supplant the Dragon Kings as the First Resplendent Emperor Of The Jade Isles.
Gangs, and secret societies, like the Guild Of Mute Assassins, work behind the scenes to subvert society and gather power. Cults worship Ancient Fey & Animal Spirits who hold sway over entire islands while paying fealty to the Dragon Lords. The seas are full of Pirates, Minotaur mercenaries, and the progeny of Monsutā No Haha (The Mother Of Monsters) a Primordial chained to the bottom of the sea who births forth beasts without number.
To the south lies the 'Maw' and its island city states rife with pirates, undead, trade, and intrigue.
To the west lies the continent lying just behind the Teeth Of Gruumsh Mountains. To the East the Sea Of Secrets and everything beyond. And to the North the Frozen Wastes of Mugen No Fuyu No Tochi (The Land Of Endless Winter) Lord Aisutaitan, a Frost Titan who uses a retinue of Witches, his Frost Giant kin, and the like to enslave the indigenous tribes on the glacier and launches an endless campaign to spread his influence into the Jade Isles.
The Sky has blackened as the sun has been hidden, the Gods have fled, and ancient and ruinous powers have returned to the world to challenge not only the rule of the Dragon Lords, but the very status of civilization. Only heroes like yourself can hope to stand against them and return Order and Honor to the world.
- We knocked out the Halloween Invite last night! I think it looks pretty solid and fun. The party is less than a month away; we should get to decorating this Sunday!
- The above is from a few days ago. I didn’t get a chance to wrap this up as things got really busy, so if there is a change in tone here I apologize. I almost quit my job yesterday. I don’t particularly care for the place that pays me most of the time, but I am VERY good at my job and I enjoy it.
I don’t make much money, those of us in this field generally don’t. I don’t do it for that reason though. I do it in an attempt to help others, to have that intangible reward of feeling like I am making a difference. I’ve swallowed some serious shit sandwiches doing this work. I have quit jobs over ethical dilemmas, I’ve stayed pretty true to my personal mission statement, and I’ve never backed down from a challenge. The place that tells us that “We are lucky to have jobs” has taken a lot of the joy out of what I have dedicated my life to doing. Yesterday was pretty much awful, and the subsequent car ride home to think and dwell on it sucked. The evening wasn’t much better as I have a terrible tendency to perseverate on negative things, to pick them apart with the finest of mental tools, and then somehow some way find a way to both real and imagined responsibility for them. It is a terrible character flaw. I’m working on it. I mulled it over, listened to the voices of the folks who support me (thank you by the by), emoted, played some wrestling, had some beverages, got out my sad bastard mood, and then slept. I don’t feel good, but I do feel better. I don’t have to feel good about it, I just have to do what is in front of me and control what is within my sphere of control, and do the best I can. I have to remember that today is another opportunity. Another chance to try and get it right, so that’s what I’ll do.
- When they do the opening montage of the movie of my life they should play “The Long Slow Goodbye” by Queens Of The Stone Age.
- This will sound morbid, but I’m not afraid of dying. Stay with me I’m going somewhere positive here I swear. I’m not. I’m pretty sure I’ve stated that on this very blog before. Death is just the natural progression of life. I don’t like the idea, and I certainly don’t romanticize it anymore, but I understand it. What I do fear about the end is the idea that I’ve left nothing of value in my wake. I don’t create anything. I’m not an artist; I don’t contribute to the beauty in the world whether it is through visual arts, food, or music. I’ve never invented anything; I’ve never done something on such a grand scale that it has helped many. I have no children to carry on my Nerdery. I’ve left no legacy. Those things may change, I hope they do. I am going to start making a small dent in that starting Sunday though. The first episode of ‘Heel Turn Radio’ will be recorded on Sunday with the L.E.W.G.I. crew. Is it a large artistic endeavor? Nope.
Is it going to change the world? No way. Will it be remembered fondly in the years to come by the masses? Most likely not. And I frankly don’t care. It is something I’m passionate about. Something I can do with my friends in the MUDD House basement while we laugh, tell stories, debate, and generally entertain each other and maybe the people who end up giving it a listen. This is the beginning of trying to leave something, even if it is simply ridiculous like this rambling blog I hammer out once a week. I always wished my Dad would have written more and not burned it. I think I would have learned to know him even better than I got to. One day I hope to have kids and they’ll read this drivel, and they’ll listen to me blather on and on about weird, random stuff and know that I was a huge dork, and a complicated, complex person just like everyone else. Passionate, petulant, caring, a right bastard, goofy, giving, deeply flawed, but always trying to be something more than I was the day before. I hope they see that and hear that and see the merit in it. But that’s the intangible, the long term goal, the short term goal with both ‘Heel Turn Radio’ & ‘The Insecurity Blanket’ are to have fun. The best part, the secret I’m loath to admit in my hyper critical mind is I will. I totally will. AND this may not even be all the Podcasts I, I really mean ‘We’, do. I know there is one more that is a distinct possibility and yesterday there was talk of another. Who knows, perhaps a bunch of my friends talking about what they love in my basement while we laugh will be my contribution to society. I could do a hell of a lot worse. “You wanna know why you feel so hollow?
Because you are.
You're missing out? Well if you say so
Then you're missing outEverybody knows that you are insane
You wanna know just how long you can hide from what you are?
Not very long
I have been lost. Down every road i follow out in the dark
On my way home
But i feel nothing. Am i better yet?
Everybody knows that you are insane”
* = Thank you Kedrin....
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