5/14/14
Well I finally heard back, via form letter. No go for this Ginger. I won’t allow my frustration at how I was
informed and the lack of communication boil over into this medium. I’ve done enough of that already. In the meantime I’ve been sending out more
and more resumes. I truly thought I had
something that I was perfect for, AND that sounded amazing. Alas, they also have ‘decided to go in
another direction’.
To top that off I was ‘Written Up’ at the place that pays me. They had three reasons. The sad thing is these are things that are
coming from the top down, from the person who used to supervise me, and the new
person who supervises me gets to deliver the message. It is strange to sit in a room and start to
argue your point and just not care enough to, because you know it doesn’t
matter. It was nice to hear that if my
supervisor thought I would stay she would try get me to, but she knows I
want/need out. I think she also sees
just how much bad blood has developed and actively tried to give me some
‘options’ so she could ‘protect’ my employment if need be. Unfortunately my reaction was, “If they want
to fire me then tell them to come down hallway and get on with it. I’m done with this cowardly,
passive/aggressive B.S.”
Today is as close as I’ve ever been to quitting a job, to
flat out just walking out with my stuff in a box. I have my stuff in a box, and I will be
leaving with 90% in said box when we go.
However I’m not to that point yet where I am going to walk out. I did tell them today that I most likely
would not give them 2 weeks’ notice as I feel so disrespected and devalued as
an employee and as a person that they don’t deserve the courtesy. The problem is that doesn’t ‘hurt’ or even bother
the folks who led me to this point of apathy.
It does hurt the folks we serve and employee who do the work, and who
look to me for support and assistance.
It is an awful position to feel beholden to something that you loathe so
utterly.
I have high hopes that something will break my way soon. I just need that ‘soon’ to be VERY soon. Swallowing down this much bile isn’t
something I think I can do for much longer.
Dealing with people I have come to despise in many ways isn’t
pleasant. Trying to hold out has become
something I’m not sure I’m capable of anymore.
5/16/14
Hello there brain issues, I hadn’t missed you, and I hate
that you’ve returned. Yesterday I made
it through a crazy busy day and was startled on the way home to have that old
familiar feeling that was someone trying to pull my eye out of my head from the
inside out. It came and went. That old slight metallic taste lingered in my
mouth though, and I could feel that things were not going to end well.
D&D 3rd Group was cancelled because some of
the players had emergency scheduling conflicts come up, as is life. I wasn’t that upset about as I have been
talking non-stop all week doing 7 hour mental health training gigs. Talking for 7 hours straight to blank stares
isn’t as easy as it sounds. Cassandra
and I were going to hang out with Kedrin and maybe talk some D&D. It started out pretty good.
After a while, though I felt like I was trying to think
through a fog. My body was working, but
my brain was skipping. I felt like I was
drowning mentally. I would be up for
‘air’ and speaking normally, able to focus, and would be coherent, then I would
‘drown’ and I felt like I was trying to communicate with Cassandra and Kedrin
down a hallway where I couldn’t move and they were constantly moving away. The harder I fought to think the less I
could, and eventually I couldn’t even focus.
In hindsight I know I sort of just turned to mental mush at some
point. Cassandra says I had some minor
seizures, I don’t recall them at all.
I think what bothers me the most is I had thought I had sort
of gotten this fully under control. The
reality is that was me lying to myself.
I should have known that between the stress, the frustration, the lack
of sleep, still fighting this stupid cold, not eating, and the massive caffeine
intake I had been ingesting to stay in motion that I was asking for this. I invited this. I didn’t want it, but I put myself in this
position because I assumed it wasn’t going to happen anymore which straddles
the line between naïve and just stupid.
So today I am fried. I
just want to crawl into a ball and sleep.
I’m embarrassed because I’m pretty sure I spoke gibberish last evening
and was sort of a car wreck. I’m a bit
irritated with myself since I should know better than to ignore when my body is
telling bad things are afoot. Most of
all though I’m just tired. I’m tired of
all the things that conspired along with my own hubris to bring me to this
point. I just keep telling myself to put
one foot in front of the other and just get through.
This is a lesson. It
is an opportunity. I think if I keep
telling myself that then it will be true.
Anywho…
RANDOM CRAP!
- Sometimes Pinky Promises are SUPER hard to keep,
but they are the most important promises we make.
- I wonder if I can make myself sleep in
tomorrow. I hope so.
- After the latest episode of the Antagonist
Relations Podcast was recorded the Zack Attack and myself sat down and recorded
ANOTHER episode regarding my long term D&D 1st Group plans. I can honestly say I haven’t had as much fun as
that recording podcasts in a long time. It
was just sort of goofy, organic, and more than anything else, fun. I know no one really listens to the things I
put out. However, I have learned that it
doesn’t matter I just like the process.
For the most part I have ALWAYS liked the process with anyone I’ve been
fortunate to Podcast with, regardless of the subject. When we can get a very specific subject or
idea and run with it though, THOSE are the ones I enjoy the most. Especially if I’m having that dialogue with
someone as passionate about the material as I am.
- Speaking Podcasts, I’ll be recording a new
Insecurity Blanket Podcast on 5/21/14!
So far Magic Mike and maybe Cassandra are in.
- I still want some type of Beer Cheese Soup.
- I’ve taken almost all the pictures of the stuff
I’m selling on Ebay. I need to get off
my ass this weekend and finish the pictures and start posting. Ideally I’d like to have all that stuff out
and shipped before the end of the month.
I have high hopes that because I’m selling everything pretty cheap that
they’ll go relatively fast. Who knows
though, ‘The Bay’ can be a fickle mistress.
There is a pile of board games that need a good home, over 300 fantasy
miniatures that are in various states of repair and paint, and then another
hundred or so sci-fi miniatures and terrain that all are going. I’m thinking all the board games will be
separate items, and I might just go for $10 a pop, as for the two giant
miniature lots I’m going to do the ‘Buy It Now’ for $100 plus the
shipping. I think that is more than
reasonable.
- THE Karl we MUST paint soon!
- Team TROLLSTRONG meets again on this coming
Monday and I am PUMPED!
- We mowed for the first time this New Year. It sort of sucked. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and am still
losing, but I hadn’t realized how hard this cold had hit my lungs, how out of
shape I am, and how walking on our damp, one might even call it moist, ground
was like walking in quicksand. The
coughing fits I had were insane, and left my chest ablaze. I have found that the last two days my calves
are aching and I have a stiff back. The
lawn looks nice, one of the mowers is actually running decently, and I’m eager
to get back after it in a week or so, but that first time was the drizzling
poo.
- Is it strange that I have fallen in love with the
Beatles’ ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’? Such
a great tune.
- My world is filled with Ditto.
- They are slowly releasing the card for the
return of CHIKARA, ‘You Only Live Twice’, on the 25th of this
month! Thus far the re-match for the
Grand Championship between the savior of CHIKARA, Icarus, and our disgruntled,
angry, almost Gollum like current champ, Eddie Kingston has me the most
intrigued. I love Kingston as champ, and
although Icarus has become a mega-Face-supreme after the ‘Ashes’ year I really
want to see an angry Heel Kingston hold onto that belt like it’s the One
Ring. ‘Marchie’ Archie going head to
head with Jimmy Jacobs should be fascinating from a style standpoint as I don’t
think I’ve ever seen Jacobs in many comedy style matches, nor have I seen
Archibald Peck do much straight work.
They are both good workers and pour their heart and souls into so it has
the potential to be very entertaining.
The tag elimination match has my attention as well with 3.0 being the
first team whom they’ve released as being involved. I’m hoping we get Pieces Of Hate, The Colony,
and a surprise team to round this one out.
Which also leaves me wondering who exactly the tag champs are anyways? I wonder if the belts will be on the
line. Hrm. I don’t remember if I had mentioned this on
the blog or not, but Cassandra and I watched the theatrical release of ‘Ashes’,
and it was amazing. If you are even sort
of interested in CHIKARA then it is an amazing tale to watch. I think we all know that the reality is I’m
excited about the whole damn card and maybe even more so just to have CHIKARA
‘back’. I can’t wait for a week from
this Sunday!
- Whatever happened to Kenny Omega?
- I need to burn something tonight and maybe even
tomorrow night too…
- Sometimes it isn’t where you are, it really is
where you are going. It isn’t always
easy and it isn’t always fun to sit with who you are, or what you’re going
through, or your melancholy, or the people life throws at you, or your anxiety,
or the obstacles that block our happiness but the struggle does help to define
us. The want to get to a better place in
our lives and the unwillingness to give in does help strengthen us and it makes
the success and the happiness we achieve all the sweeter. Remember you are not alone in your
struggles. As my Dad would always we
remind me, ‘Benny, we are ALL alone, but we are all alone TOGETHER…’ If we are Friends and you need me, I’m merely
a call away. I have stared into the maw
of that abyss alone and know how terrifying and hard it is, and I also know
that when you do it together it is far easier.
Together we can get there.
- I wish I was better at being ‘artsy’ in the
context of making cool stuff. I’ll have
to settle for being a World Class Day Dreamer I suppose.
- Is it sad that I really just want to spend the
entire weekend cuddling on the couch? I
thought not, I thought not...
I think that’s all I got this week….
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