Well I finally heard back, via form letter. No go for this Ginger. I won’t allow my frustration at how I was informed and the lack of communication boil over into this medium. I’ve done enough of that already. In the meantime I’ve been sending out more and more resumes. I truly thought I had something that I was perfect for, AND that sounded amazing. Alas, they also have ‘decided to go in another direction’.
To top that off I was ‘Written Up’ at the place that pays me. They had three reasons. The sad thing is these are things that are coming from the top down, from the person who used to supervise me, and the new person who supervises me gets to deliver the message. It is strange to sit in a room and start to argue your point and just not care enough to, because you know it doesn’t matter. It was nice to hear that if my supervisor thought I would stay she would try get me to, but she knows I want/need out. I think she also sees just how much bad blood has developed and actively tried to give me some ‘options’ so she could ‘protect’ my employment if need be. Unfortunately my reaction was, “If they want to fire me then tell them to come down hallway and get on with it. I’m done with this cowardly, passive/aggressive B.S.”
Today is as close as I’ve ever been to quitting a job, to flat out just walking out with my stuff in a box. I have my stuff in a box, and I will be leaving with 90% in said box when we go. However I’m not to that point yet where I am going to walk out. I did tell them today that I most likely would not give them 2 weeks’ notice as I feel so disrespected and devalued as an employee and as a person that they don’t deserve the courtesy. The problem is that doesn’t ‘hurt’ or even bother the folks who led me to this point of apathy. It does hurt the folks we serve and employee who do the work, and who look to me for support and assistance. It is an awful position to feel beholden to something that you loathe so utterly.
I have high hopes that something will break my way soon. I just need that ‘soon’ to be VERY soon. Swallowing down this much bile isn’t something I think I can do for much longer. Dealing with people I have come to despise in many ways isn’t pleasant. Trying to hold out has become something I’m not sure I’m capable of anymore.
Hello there brain issues, I hadn’t missed you, and I hate that you’ve returned. Yesterday I made it through a crazy busy day and was startled on the way home to have that old familiar feeling that was someone trying to pull my eye out of my head from the inside out. It came and went. That old slight metallic taste lingered in my mouth though, and I could feel that things were not going to end well.
D&D 3rd Group was cancelled because some of the players had emergency scheduling conflicts come up, as is life. I wasn’t that upset about as I have been talking non-stop all week doing 7 hour mental health training gigs. Talking for 7 hours straight to blank stares isn’t as easy as it sounds. Cassandra and I were going to hang out with Kedrin and maybe talk some D&D. It started out pretty good.
After a while, though I felt like I was trying to think through a fog. My body was working, but my brain was skipping. I felt like I was drowning mentally. I would be up for ‘air’ and speaking normally, able to focus, and would be coherent, then I would ‘drown’ and I felt like I was trying to communicate with Cassandra and Kedrin down a hallway where I couldn’t move and they were constantly moving away. The harder I fought to think the less I could, and eventually I couldn’t even focus. In hindsight I know I sort of just turned to mental mush at some point. Cassandra says I had some minor seizures, I don’t recall them at all.
I think what bothers me the most is I had thought I had sort of gotten this fully under control. The reality is that was me lying to myself. I should have known that between the stress, the frustration, the lack of sleep, still fighting this stupid cold, not eating, and the massive caffeine intake I had been ingesting to stay in motion that I was asking for this. I invited this. I didn’t want it, but I put myself in this position because I assumed it wasn’t going to happen anymore which straddles the line between naïve and just stupid.
So today I am fried. I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep. I’m embarrassed because I’m pretty sure I spoke gibberish last evening and was sort of a car wreck. I’m a bit irritated with myself since I should know better than to ignore when my body is telling bad things are afoot. Most of all though I’m just tired. I’m tired of all the things that conspired along with my own hubris to bring me to this point. I just keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other and just get through.
This is a lesson. It is an opportunity. I think if I keep telling myself that then it will be true.
- Sometimes Pinky Promises are SUPER hard to keep, but they are the most important promises we make.
- I wonder if I can make myself sleep in tomorrow. I hope so.
- After the latest episode of the Antagonist Relations Podcast was recorded the Zack Attack and myself sat down and recorded ANOTHER episode regarding my long term D&D 1st Group plans. I can honestly say I haven’t had as much fun as that recording podcasts in a long time. It was just sort of goofy, organic, and more than anything else, fun. I know no one really listens to the things I put out. However, I have learned that it doesn’t matter I just like the process. For the most part I have ALWAYS liked the process with anyone I’ve been fortunate to Podcast with, regardless of the subject. When we can get a very specific subject or idea and run with it though, THOSE are the ones I enjoy the most. Especially if I’m having that dialogue with someone as passionate about the material as I am.
- Speaking Podcasts, I’ll be recording a new Insecurity Blanket Podcast on 5/21/14! So far Magic Mike and maybe Cassandra are in.
- I still want some type of Beer Cheese Soup.
- I’ve taken almost all the pictures of the stuff I’m selling on Ebay. I need to get off my ass this weekend and finish the pictures and start posting. Ideally I’d like to have all that stuff out and shipped before the end of the month. I have high hopes that because I’m selling everything pretty cheap that they’ll go relatively fast. Who knows though, ‘The Bay’ can be a fickle mistress. There is a pile of board games that need a good home, over 300 fantasy miniatures that are in various states of repair and paint, and then another hundred or so sci-fi miniatures and terrain that all are going. I’m thinking all the board games will be separate items, and I might just go for $10 a pop, as for the two giant miniature lots I’m going to do the ‘Buy It Now’ for $100 plus the shipping. I think that is more than reasonable.
- THE Karl we MUST paint soon!
- Team TROLLSTRONG meets again on this coming Monday and I am PUMPED!
- We mowed for the first time this New Year. It sort of sucked. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and am still losing, but I hadn’t realized how hard this cold had hit my lungs, how out of shape I am, and how walking on our damp, one might even call it moist, ground was like walking in quicksand. The coughing fits I had were insane, and left my chest ablaze. I have found that the last two days my calves are aching and I have a stiff back. The lawn looks nice, one of the mowers is actually running decently, and I’m eager to get back after it in a week or so, but that first time was the drizzling poo.
- Is it strange that I have fallen in love with the Beatles’ ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’? Such a great tune.
- My world is filled with Ditto.
- They are slowly releasing the card for the return of CHIKARA, ‘You Only Live Twice’, on the 25th of this month! Thus far the re-match for the Grand Championship between the savior of CHIKARA, Icarus, and our disgruntled, angry, almost Gollum like current champ, Eddie Kingston has me the most intrigued. I love Kingston as champ, and although Icarus has become a mega-Face-supreme after the ‘Ashes’ year I really want to see an angry Heel Kingston hold onto that belt like it’s the One Ring. ‘Marchie’ Archie going head to head with Jimmy Jacobs should be fascinating from a style standpoint as I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jacobs in many comedy style matches, nor have I seen Archibald Peck do much straight work. They are both good workers and pour their heart and souls into so it has the potential to be very entertaining. The tag elimination match has my attention as well with 3.0 being the first team whom they’ve released as being involved. I’m hoping we get Pieces Of Hate, The Colony, and a surprise team to round this one out. Which also leaves me wondering who exactly the tag champs are anyways? I wonder if the belts will be on the line. Hrm. I don’t remember if I had mentioned this on the blog or not, but Cassandra and I watched the theatrical release of ‘Ashes’, and it was amazing. If you are even sort of interested in CHIKARA then it is an amazing tale to watch. I think we all know that the reality is I’m excited about the whole damn card and maybe even more so just to have CHIKARA ‘back’. I can’t wait for a week from this Sunday!
- Whatever happened to Kenny Omega?
- I need to burn something tonight and maybe even tomorrow night too…
- Sometimes it isn’t where you are, it really is where you are going. It isn’t always easy and it isn’t always fun to sit with who you are, or what you’re going through, or your melancholy, or the people life throws at you, or your anxiety, or the obstacles that block our happiness but the struggle does help to define us. The want to get to a better place in our lives and the unwillingness to give in does help strengthen us and it makes the success and the happiness we achieve all the sweeter. Remember you are not alone in your struggles. As my Dad would always we remind me, ‘Benny, we are ALL alone, but we are all alone TOGETHER…’ If we are Friends and you need me, I’m merely a call away. I have stared into the maw of that abyss alone and know how terrifying and hard it is, and I also know that when you do it together it is far easier. Together we can get there.
- I wish I was better at being ‘artsy’ in the context of making cool stuff. I’ll have to settle for being a World Class Day Dreamer I suppose.
- Is it sad that I really just want to spend the entire weekend cuddling on the couch? I thought not, I thought not...
I think that’s all I got this week….