It never ceases to amaze me just how much my own brain will churn in on itself and cause me negative emotions. I get these rational moments where I can wholeheartedly explain my perspective, give rational explanations, and see through the haze that is my emotional mind attempting to dictate my decision making. In these moments of utmost honesty I know what I have to work on to be a better person, it is when I am out of those moments and too far in my own head that I struggle tremendously.
It isn’t that I want to let my brain spin into those negative thoughts and spur on those negative emotions it just does. I jokingly talk about having ‘default’ settings sometimes, and I honestly think mine is to be a curmudgeon, to see negativity where it doesn’t exist, and to immediately go to the worst case scenario. Call it a side effect to upbringing, or a character flaw, or whatever you will, but I have it. I have it and I loathe it.
When you do this it’s bad enough, but the real bastard of it, the thing that makes it the drizzling poops is when you come out of it. When I have reality show me that all that fear, anxiety, frustration, anger, etc. was all unfounded and that I got all twisted up inside for no real reason at all. That I doubted myself, other people, relationships, everything for no real reason at all. It makes me feel like I don’t really know myself let alone anyone else. It challenges my ideas about who I am, let alone who I’d like to become.
I have to ask outside sources if I’m ‘a good person’ because I’m not sure I can trust my perception of what it means to be a both ‘good’ and a ‘person’. I feel like a ‘ghastly thing’ in those moments, something trying so hard to be something better that is just beyond my clutching grasp. In those moments there is a profound loneliness. I think that is what is harder than the humiliation of the struggle to control my emotions, or my anxiety, or my frustration, or my lack of confidence in a lot of areas, etc. It is the feeling that I’m all alone in this. That is the thing that really is the cherry on top of the awfulness sundae.
And the reality is I am not alone. I am not alone at all. I may not be a ‘good person’, but I am someone who is trying to be one. I may not be all that I’d like to, but every day I move a little bit closer to that ideal, and I may struggle with confidence, anxiety, frustration, and a plethora of other negative emotions but they don’t define me. Hell, they don’t even control me like they once did. They are simply a part of a larger whole. They are just the monster hiding under the bed. And after years of being terrified of dealing with them I have. I have and in that I find myself less and less frightened by them.
They are just a part of who I am, and I try cope with them. Sometimes I handle with them very effectively, other times it is a profound struggle. I know I am an odd duck. I know I spend a lot of time deconstructing who I am, what I feel, why I feel it, and how to handle that emotion in a positive way. I think that is because I spent a great deal of my life not dealing with it. I let it all rage inside me, and allowed those feelings and ideas not only define me, but run my life.
I am not in the existential crisis of looking for meaning in my life. I have meaning. I have purpose. I have relationships that bring me an intense joy beyond words. My crisis is one of self. It is the crisis of not really knowing what your place in the world is and what it ‘should’ be. It is the crisis of looking in the mirror and seeing lines on your face that mark a trail of things you aren’t proud of and yet seeing the glimmer in your eyes of what still can be. It is the eternal struggle of trying to figure out who you are, and for me if I’m worthy of the people around me.
Honestly I don’t even see it as a crisis anymore. It is more like an emotional ‘peace keeping mission’. In my heart of hearts know I am worthy. I know that I have a lot to offer the world, and to the people I choose to share it with. It is just that sometimes things get away from me and I struggle a bit. As I get older, possibly even ‘wiser’ though those times become less and less and shorter and shorter. These are the growing pains of a ‘ghastly thing’ into a ‘real person’.
No matter what some folks would tell you, no matter what I might tell you at times, I am a ‘real person’. History, flaws, crooked Ginger grin, and all. I am a ‘real person’ who will keep pushing themselves, keep asking those questions, and keep trying to get a handle on those nagging negative feelings until the day I leave this mortal coil. And as frustrating as it can be, I don’t think I would want it any other way.
Not really sure where that came from. It might be left over from the last Insecurity Blanket Podcast. Who knows, my mind just runs off in strange directions some times. How about we wrap this up with some…
- Is it sad that I’m rooting for rain so I don’t have to mow until the weekend? It is sad.
- Saturday I finished painting like eight miniatures. I was simultaneously very proud and felt like the biggest dork ever for that pride. If I get lucky and it rains today/tonight I think I’ll paint some more. I’d like to get back to finishing four to five miniatures a week. It really doesn’t hurt that I have SO many to get to, and that most of them are incredibly cool. Oh and THE Karl, Cassandra says she REALLY wants your help painting like the seventy sets of eyes that she has let accumulate. I’ll leave that to you two to sort out. LOL
- Thank you to Team TROLLSTRONG for another fantastic game on Monday night. Oh and to Sassie Cassie for bringing some seriously outrageous vittles. May you all be able to get the filthy Bugbear blood out of your Cashmere robes.
- For those that know….SO much Ditto! All of it.
- I know we mentioned it on the Insecurity Blanket Podcast a few episodes ago, but let me state it again; CONGRATS Kedrin on getting your Master’s Degree with a 4.0 and graduating at the top of your class! That is a seriously fantastic feat, way better than taking Improved Initiative. Yeah, that’s right I made a D&D joke, deal with it. All your Friends and Family know how hard you worked to get this done, and you did it! Now you get to start the next level in life, time to eat that mushroom, and power up!
- There might be an Antagonist Relations Podcast this Wed., but I’m not sure. Real Life F*&#ery sometimes gets in the way of Zack and I talking about games. The best part is even if we don’t we will soon and we’ll just pick up and run with it like we didn’t miss a beat. If we don’t I think I’ll paint little plastic, metal, and/or resin ‘guys’.
- Speaking of the Zack Attack it appears that we won’t be having 1st Group in July due to all the crazy scheduling conflicts. While that sucks because I felt like last session really was fantastic, it DOES give Zack and I more time to plan what comes next. THAT I am excited about. There are very few people I have as much fun being creative with.
- And one of those folks is James & his Magic Beard. James is going to be joining 1st Group as Jimini Krixmas, a Shade Bard. To say that James has jumped into the whole D&D thing with both feet while screaming ‘GERONIMO’ at the top of his lungs would be an understatement. You know the creative process is both going well and is a blast when you literally lose hours doing it and yet it feels like ten minutes have passed. First Group is as large as I think I’m ok with now, but it has two things going for it; 1 ) It has Zack and I running & 2 ) It is an assemblage of people who are insanely enthusiastic about having the time of their imaginary lives every time we roll dice. It is a perfect storm of serious Awesome Sauce.
- THE Karl, Kedrin, and Cassandra have me addicted to Settlers Of Catan. Just saying.
- This Thursday is 3rd Group D&D! I have this session and maybe the next plotted out fully depending on the pace of this next session. I have taken to doing more long term plotting and prepping of late, but 3rd Group and 1st Group have thus far eluded me when it comes to this. For 1st Group it’s because I want to plot with Zack as he generally takes my ideas and makes them better while simultaneously bringing his own feel and flare to the game that only makes me want to be better at running. For 3rd Group I think it’s because I just want to see what they want to do next. I am contemplating having three options and letting them give me the path they’d like to go on next, since to me all three have proven really hard to choose from. And in reality putting the control back on the PC’s, especially this group is going to lead to all sorts of nasty possibilities.
- I have been reading like mad lately….BOOK CLUB!
- GaragAGGEDON came and went. I think it went pretty well, but it was a lot of work. A lot of the remaining stuff is getting donated which is really cool, and there are still some odds and ends to be sold. I have to get those miniature lots up on Ebay as well. I think I’m going to cut them into ten dollar lots and just do it that way. It’ll be a pain in the ass, but I think that might be my best bet. All I know is we, being the lovely and multi-talented Cassandra and myself, couldn’t have done even half of what we go done without THE Karl, the Jakester, Kolie, Master Kedrin 4.0, my Father-In-Law aka ‘Straw Hat Mafia’ Dave, my Mom-In-Law aka Dangerous Debbie, The Geneious, and Sassie Cassie. Thank you all for the help, the enthusiasm, and the hard work.
- After a magnificent Gentlemen’s barter Diamond Dave is going to be painting my three massive Bones; Kaladrax, Nethyrmaul, and Cthulhu! Thank you oh Diamond One!
- L.E.W.G.I. is gathering for the ‘Money In The Bank’ PPV this Sunday. There Joel and I will most likely swap our shirts that he designed, seeing as he had get mine special made. I didn’t make it to Payback last month, but Gene graciously hosted in my absence. I look forward to gathering and enjoying the festivities. Especially since the vast majority of us are going to the Ring Of Honor show on July 12th! It’ll be a good time to plan our sign making. The card isn’t too shabby either. I’m just hoping for some serious Cesaro ‘Hossdom’.
- Did I mention how little I wanted to mow tonight? C’MON RAIN!
- With all the craziness of July; the uncertainty D&D, CONvergence, Ring Of Honor, etc. I’m thinking of doing a Movie-A-Thon. It has been requested that it’s done early in the month as some folks are headed to San Diego for ComicCon. LUCKY! So I’m thinking of doing an ‘Emergency’ Friday night Movie-A-Thon where we’ll just draw numbers and correlate them to some of the giant collections of bad movies I have. I think that could be fun. Like a Bad Movie Lottery.
- It is sad to admit it, but I just don’t care about sports anymore.
- I have read and re-read the Monsterhearts RPG book and I’m not sure I could be any more excited to try it out. Along with other games like Durance, I’m seeing a TON of merit in games that can be simply a one off experience. Although, let’s be honest I want Monsterhearts to go on forever, do you hear that Zack, FOREVER! I might see if we can get a game like Durance going at CONvergence with some of my 3rd Group Posse as it seems right up their alley. SO many games!
- I really have to get this whole job thing sorted soon so I can begin to Rock The Hawk again. I miss it.
- It sounds as if we are going to start Game Of Thrones in our household soon. I started the show when it began, but lost the taste for it quickly. Stupid beheading. I know it’s good, gorgeous to look at, and well-acted I just didn’t care for where the story was headed. I have since been persuaded to give it another go, and honestly I’m excited about the prospects of it.
- Last, but not least a heartfelt ‘Thank You’ to those of you who are listening to the Podcasts. I am honored you enjoy them.
You know, I think that’s all I got today.