After a crazy weekend of not doing what we said we were going to and then having the L.E.W.G.I. crew over only to get ‘JERNED’ in the Main Event I fell into this week full of excitement and trepidation. For those don’t know I don’t handle crowds well. I always feel like I’m drowning in people. There are too many sounds, visuals, and too many smells. It overwhelms me and it makes me want to escape.
I get over heated, I start to sweat, my breathing gets heavy and difficult, and then comes the panic attacks. It isn’t fun. It is the reason why I avoid a lot of things that involve crowds, like shopping at the Mall Of America. In the last few years I’ve found every way around dealing with crowds, even minor ones at say a Wal-Mart, under the sun. However you can’t live in your tiny bubble forever.
This weekend we are going to CONvergence with ‘Casual’ Doug, La Randita, THE Karl, and Master Kedrin 4.0. I have equal parts giddiness and anxiety. I’m excited that not only did they invite us, but they sort of took ‘No’ away as an option. I’m intrigued with the idea of going to panels, playing games, seeing other people we game with, and just experiencing everything that is out there. At the same time, I’m terrified that it’ll be too many people and I’ll panic. I am afraid that maybe I just don’t have the ‘cog’ anymore for dealing with that many people.
It’s ok to be scared. It is ok to be wracked with insecurities or guilt or anger or jealousy or whatever negative emotion is the one that rides you like a monkey on a dog. That’s right I just made G.D. Taco Johns reference. It is ok to have those negative feelings, to do battle with them, and to struggle with them daily. What is not ok is to have them ruin your life, to have them ‘take’ from you, or to suffer due to them. We have the ability to control what we feel and how we feel it. Even the most negative emotions can be healthy if they have a positive outcome. We just have to ‘Will To Power’.
Your mind, your feelings, your thought process all that is your own, and only you get to truly dictate that. I’m learning that it is too damn easy to let others be the scapegoat for those things. That is the just a way out of looking at myself and dealing with my part in those feelings. It is the way I can internally avoid personal accountability for what I’m feeling. And that, THAT isn’t healthy. It shouldn’t matter how many people there are, or how the overrun my senses seem to be, or the subtle invasion of my personal bubble. I can find the fun and put aside that anxiety. I can be bigger than the moment.
The reality is this weekend will be what I make it. The hardest step was agreeing to go. That’s why I’m glad I didn’t get that choice. I am going to be surrounded by people who will simply not allow me to have a bad time, and that is comforting. There is something wonderful about knowing that your Friends simply REFUSE to allow you to be a victim of your own thoughts. Now I just have to go forth, own my anxiety, take a deep breath, lean on my Friends, and just enjoy the weekend.
Short and sweet this time, well for me anyways. Let’s go ahead and wrap this up with some…
- There are special moments where life shows you something so profound, so utterly and completely perfect that it leaves you awestruck. I rarely find myself at a loss for words, without the ability to at least search out and find something to adequately express what I’m thinking or feeling. That has escaped me in this case. Instead I’m left with simply a memory of perfection that shall stay with me forever and THAT is beautiful.
- I want chicken wings.
- After the way ‘Money In The Bank’ finished on Sunday you would have thought that ‘Creative’, and I use that term VERY loosely, brought Daniel Bryan out and put him down like Old Yeller. The L.E.W.G.I. crew finished that PPV with a collective sigh of exasperation. I think for me what was irritating was they billed this as the “Future Is NOW” and they gave us more of what we’ve had shoved down our throat for like 10 years, yet another run of Jern SuperCena with the belt. Not to mention it was just LAZY in execution. They weren’t even inventive about it. It was so damn predictable, boring, and contrived that we all sort of felt resigned to the fact it was going to happen. To top it all off that three man booth of ‘Migael’, JBL, and Lawler is terrible. It is simply uninspired, droll, and serves no purpose. In my opinion it is truly one of the worst announce teams in the history of the business. It feels like the WWE is simply treading water. They seem to have no plan, they no longer innovate, it feels like they are simply there to move merchandise, and they don’t do anything to create new stars in my opinion. No new stars are born, unless they make themselves. They are almost made in spite of ‘Creative’; see Husky Harris becoming Bray Wyatt, or Cesaro’s ever changing gimmick, or the ‘stop start’ that gave us all the ability to BOLIEVE. NXT has done a wonderful job of showcasing what Creative EFFECTIVELY teaming with talent can yield. It is a damn shame that on the main roster that just doesn’t seem to occur. Instead we are simply force fed the same bland ‘Hustle, Loyalty, & Respect’, overcoming the odds, ‘vintage’ crap over and over again. This will never change as long as WWE is bound and determined to allow the need to please shareholders dictate the ‘Creative’ direction of a company. I want to like you WWE, but you just seem bound and determined to not let me. Oh well, at least I have NXT. On a final note regarding this, THANK YOU to the L.E.W.G.I.; The Geneious, Nasty Nate, ‘YO Randy’, Sassie Cassie, Joltin’ Joel, Diamond Dave, James & his Magical Beard, ‘Casual’ Doug, and the Amazing Cassandra. You guys made that night. ‘Casual’ Doug your L.E.W.G.I. website is incredible! You all even made the inevitable ‘JERNING’ not just tolerable, but fun.
- I am obsessed with that song by Iggy, ‘Fancy’. I don’t know why, but I blame the lovely Cassandra and Master Kedrin 4.0.
- I have high hopes that we’ll be recording the newest Antagonist Relations Podcast tomorrow, but only time will tell. I’m trying to set up a Heel Turn Radio for next week as well. If that doesn’t work out I might just see if anyone wants to get together and do an Insecurity Blanket Podcast, maybe we could do a Post CONvergence thing. THE Karl, Kedrin, La Randita, ‘Casual’ Doug, Cassandra what do you think? Either way I’d like to get Podcasting done on Wednesdays at least twice a month.
- For those that know, “All Ditto, ALL the Time…”
- Thank you to ‘The Koala’ for coming over Sunday afternoon, hanging out, and watching old WCW with me on ‘The Network’. There is something sort of cool when you get someone who may have been into Wrestling back in the day to watch ‘The Network’. Nostalgia just glosses over their eyes and they enjoy. They get to walk down that memory lane and at the same time get to enjoy how the death of KAFAB has left the business an open book. Joe and I watched a Countdown of ‘Biggest Blunders’ as well as a Legends Of Wrestling Roundtable about terrible gimmicks and he was completely enthralled. It is always fun to share something you enjoy with people you like.
- Without coffee yesterday and today I’d be in a coma beneath my desk.
- My miniature lots finally sold. That has afforded me the luxury of going ahead and dropping the fat cheddar on the D&D 5E core books as well as the next big box of the Pathfinder Card Game, Skull & Shackles. I went back and picked up the big hardcover Rise Of The Runelords book at ½ Priced Books as well. If 5E is as easy to convert as Zack makes it sound I might actually run this Adventure Path. You know I’m far more excited for 5E than I thought possible.
- Thank you to Woody for coming over Sat., picking up your game, and graciously taking some miniatures to pin for me. I always look forward to picking your prodigious brain.
- If I don’t get the chance to Podcast Wed. night and if nothing is going on Thursday evening I think I might get back to painting. I have the vast majority of stuff I was working on finally assembled and now primed. I’ve enjoyed painting more and more and I’ve been getting a lot done lately when I have the time and inclination to sit down and work on it. In fact I have about 100 miniatures just awaiting Cassandra’s touch ups, eye application, and then the DIP. I just keep adding to that box every time I sit down at the table. I’ve found the nice balance between ‘painting with purpose’ for D&D and painting for relaxation. I don’t think it hurts that I get better and better each time.
- Speaking of painting, Diamond Dave informed me that he has been hammering away at the three massive BONES miniatures. I can’t tell you how excited I am to see them.
- I’ve been accumulating strange things to help out my D&D games lately. I just picked up a crazy voice changer off of Ebay that I’m intrigued to put into play and those wooden masks that we took off THE Karl’s hands at GaragAGGEDON will see time in either 1st or 4th Group. I need to buy an egg timer to use as a way to speed up combat play. I like how on the Nerd Poker Podcast, starring the Metal Giant Brian Posehn, the DM uses it when the comedians get bogged down in their own need to be funny. He just fires that bad boy up and if they don’t get with it they lose their turn. It’s harsher than I personally want to go. I think I want to use it like the clock at the Draft. If you exceed your time you simply move down in initiative. I just need to go track a cheap one down. Working with Zack on the Podcast, DMing together, and just generally having conversations, sharing articles, and other podcasts about gaming has not only expanded my horizons when it comes to running but has left me with a desire to make every trip to the table something new, memorable, and most importantly have it ooze fun.
- Napping would be so amazing right now...
I think that is all I can muster today.