7/8/14
Does it make me less of a man because I can’t swing a hammer
to save my life? I don’t ask in jest, I
am actually curious. I’ve come to the
distinct realization that I will never be changing my own oil, that many
household repairs are simply beyond me, and sports no longer hold much sway
over me. Does that mean I am somehow
less masculine? I’m not fascinated by
firearms, I don’t drink beer anymore, I don’t hunt, and I have no conquests or
never ending tales of battles won left to tell.
I can’t fight, I can’t fix, and I can’t brag does that make me less of a
‘man’?
Don’t get me wrong I can do many things that are ‘assigned’
to my gender. I can break things, I can
carry really heavy stuff, I am capable of catastrophic aggression, I can make
people feel safe, etc. I can do those
things well, but what I see is that for the most part I fill that role mainly
in a negative way. I’m not contributing
anything; I’m not ‘building’ anything. I
am not providing in the most rudimentary ways, I’m not constructing anything,
and I’m not fulfilling what so many people would tell me I could/should simply
based on what genitals I happen to have.
I’m generally not that concerned with societal imposed
roles, and especially not gender roles, but when you can’t fill that
traditional role in at least some ways it makes you feel ‘other’. The thing was I just spent an entire weekend
at CONvergence where no one gives a single F’ about that, which made it feel
even more pronounced. I guess I’m not as
full of confidence about who I am as I thought because when you see people
Cos-playing like that, totally up front constantly about who they are and what
they strongly believe in, and living in that moment it makes me feel like I
live in an in-between world. Like I’m
not sure who and what the world thinks I should be.
I know I am a lot of different things; hyper critical,
self-aware, sensitive, funny, possibly smart, creative, honest, caring, etc.
but I’m realizing I’m not the things society sees as traditionally masculine. And after this weekend I am confronted with
the reality that I don’t fall into the myriad of other classifications that are
out there either. I’m left with the
oddest feeling that I don’t think society knows who I am, and I am not entirely
sure I know either. I feel like an
island alone in a sea of possibility.
That isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all. I get to define myself as a person rather
than a gender role that is assigned to me by a culture that I fit into about as
well as a square peg in a circular hole.
It is ok that I can’t fit my giant mitt down into the car to change the
headlight because I can cook a flawless whole rabbit. It is ok that I can’t fix the phalange on the
toilet because the dishes are always done, the trash and recycling are always
out, and things are always put away. And
it doesn’t matter that I can’t put together that book case without throwing
something, because I can take a handful of people with me on a sojourn through
the strange vistas in my imagination, make them laugh, make them gasp, and give
them respite from ‘real life’ for even just a little while.
What is hard is I look like I should be able to do all those
things. I look like the guy you want to
carry your sheet rock down a flight of stairs, and therefore must understand
how to hang it. I bear a striking
resemblance to someone who should be able to operate a tape measure, but is
just going to wing it because my spatial skills are that good. I look like a guy who played sports so I
should be able to talk at length about how the Vikings did last season. I can’t do those things. I don’t think I ever really could, well
except for maybe the last one. When I
see that look on the faces of people when they realize the brain doesn’t match
the body it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin.
There are times where I wish I was more like some of my
Friends, more like my brother, hell more like my Dad was. I wish I could fix stuff, build cool stuff,
refinish things, and was more interested in things that the rest of society
thinks that I should be. The fact is I
can’t, and I’m not. I like to cuddle, I
like to read constantly, my imagination runs wild all day long, I want to hear
about your problems and just be there for you, staring at art brings me
profound joy, I love to cook, I like to contemplate my place in the universe, I
like doing dishes, sometimes songs and movies make me tear up, I dust, I am a
big old Ginger contradiction to what a lot folks think I should be. But I’m just too busy in my own head trying
to just be ‘Me’ to see or understand how I fit.
Hopefully one day I’ll figure just out who ‘Me’ is and be the best
version of that I can be.
Since there will be a bunch of Podcasting this week and the
next I’m leaving any blogs short, so let’s wrap this up with some…
RANDOM CRAP!
- CONvergence was incredible. Next week we are going to Podcast about
it. Suffice to say we are already
starting to plan going next year.
- We finally finished Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. and
it was damn fun. We both loved the
ending. Now we just need to see Captain
America: The Winter Solider to fill in the gaps.
- SO much gaming stuff! We played OTHERWorld, Pathfinder, and even
D&D 5E this last weekend. We are
going to talk that and all the other cool imagination fodder that I was spoon
fed this last weekend on the Antagonist Relations Podcast. Suffice to say that I’ve got some new
revisions to my games and running style to make.
- I have NO interest in mowing this week.
- THE Karl is painting his 4th Group
Monk right now, and it is one of the coolest paint jobs I’ve ever seen, it has
blown my Ginger mind.
- It doesn’t sound like the planned Insecurity
Blanket Podcast on Anxiety is going to happen this week. Hopefully we can get everyone together and
record one on it soon, as I REALLY liked the group we were putting together and
the subject is something we all deal with.
- Well I pre-ordered the three main 5E Books last
night, as well as the new ‘big box’ for the Pathfinder Card Game, ‘Skull &
Shackles’. The money I got from selling
those two lots of miniatures evaporated into a lot of future awesome.
- Master Kedrin 4.0 and I have been working on a
D&D project together. It has been
really fun to collaborate on something with her. Add in the fact that she ran some of the Adventure
that is in the 5E Starter Set for us at CONvergence with NO prep and killed it,
and I feel like I’m witnessing the ‘birth’ of a really amazing DM.
- The only bad thing about the weekend is I’m
still coming down off of all that Anxiety.
Today I just feel spent. From the
top of my head to the bottom of my feet I just feel like I have nothing left.
- I am reading through the rules of an RPG called
‘Microscope’, and quite frankly I’m blown away.
THIS will be tool that will transition my ‘World’ from the 4E games to
the 5E games. I am beyond excited about
that prospect now.
- I’m thinking of doing a Movie-A-Thon a week from
this Friday. We’ll bust out that 100
Sc-Fi classics pack, and the 100 Horror classics pack, roll some dice, AND that
will be what we watch. Although at some
point I want to do a Chuck Heston 70’s Sci-Fi-A-Thon; Planet Of The Apes,
Soylent Green, & The Omega Man.
- Ring Of Honor is this Saturday night, and
L.E.W.G.I. will be FRONT ROW! It’ll be
one of the last three appearances by ‘Mr. Wrestling’ Kevin Steen. I’m a big Steen fan, and I hope, I HOPE, I
get the opportunity to personally tell him Thank You for all the blood, sweat,
and tears he’s shed to entertain us. It
should be a great card and seeing it live with the rest of the L.E.W.G.I.
contingent is going to be amazing.
- AND I STILL haven’t played Lords Of Waterdeep
yet…*sigh*
- I finally won a game of Settlers Of Catan
against the lovely Cassandra, Special K, and THE Karl. My victory felt even better since not only
had I been drinking, but it came out of THE Karl, our usual winner, thinking he
was screwing me over when I was actually screw him over. That doesn’t happen often as he is one of the
best game players I know. I REALLY love
that game and couldn’t ask for three better people to play it with.
Hrm…I think I’m done.
No comments:
Post a Comment