I have two things to hit on this week, I don’t think either are that fun or life shattering, but maybe you’ll read them, maybe you’ll even enjoy them, you might even chuckle, and if nothing else it’ll be a distraction from your own stuff for a few minutes. So without further ado…
#1 - Sometimes in life we do and say things that are not what we had intended or that don’t come out the way we want or that can end up scorching the earth around us in their aftermath. We all do it. Hell, I could make a cottage industry out of all the bridges I haven’t just burned, but the ones I’ve nuked from space just to be sure. I think the real key is to understand that the people who care about us, truly care about us will forgive us our transgressions, real and imagined, and try make our relationships stronger after something like that has unfortunately occurred.
We can spend large quantities of our lives destroying ourselves in an orgy of self-imposed guilt and ‘woulda’s, coulda’s, & shoulda’s’. I do it all the time. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to that. I live through my own personal string theory of alternate dimensions where I didn’t say that thing, or didn’t do that thing, or didn’t react poorly, or just forgave and moved on, or took into account the other person’s feelings more before I acted every single day. The reality is I can’t go back, none of us can.
And we shouldn’t. We shouldn’t go back in our own personal TARDIS and try to ‘fix’ things. If we fix things we don’t learn anything, we don’t evolve, we don’t have the opportunity to learn, and therefore we miss the chance to be ‘better’. Not to mention if we changed that reaction we would change the outcome. The outcome, where we get to this point of understanding, to this point of learning, to this particular point known as 'now' and become this version of who we are is far more important in the end than the crappy thing that was done or said.
We are not perfect. Not a single one of us. We all mess up on a minute by minute basis. We will continue to mess up over and over and over again. We just have to make sure we learn from those mistakes, we just need to make sure that we don’t repeat the same mistake over and over again; instead we need to go out and make all new, different mistakes, and then learn from those as well. Relish in your humanity, in your imperfection, and never cease learning and striving to be better.
Do those things and realize that no matter what you have said, no matter what you have done those that care about you always will. That Love, in all its myriad forms and incarnations should be, and is for me, unconditional.
#2 - I thought I had sort of shaken free from the grip of the ‘Black Dog’ that has haunted me for a bit over a month, but I haven’t. This morning it has loomed large. I have that old familiar feeling of a weight on my chest so heavy it has literally collapsed my insides. And yet I am not going to let this be the focus of my day. I’m not going to remain beholden to this horrendous feeling.
It doesn’t get to ‘own’ me, control me, or steal from me the spark that is me. The one thing that having come out of the dark clouds at the end of last week gave me was a reminder on perspective. I was able to emotionally get my feet under me by Friday and felt far more like myself, sure it was fleeting, but in that I was able to gain a reserve of resolve and energy. It is taking a lot of energy to be and stay positive, but it’s all worth it. It is testing my will not to see negativity in everything, to feel deserted, to feel the false sting in every little thing, but that just isn’t true. That is not reality. And as much of my life as I spend in thoughts of everything BUT reality, I refuse to have that twisted into some typhoon of self-loathing and imagined slights.
Instead I am choosing to try and pour that energy into something creative, I’m trying to muster some focus, and I’m gripping as hard as I can to any shred of positivity that comes across my path. I think that is all you can do. I think when I’m down this low, looking at how far I could still fall I have to take a deep breath and try to look up. I have to look up and concentrate on the climb in front of me not the fall behind me. It isn’t easy, it never is, and I know I’ll keep slipping, stumbling, losing some ground, but more than anything else I know I’ll keep scraping, clawing, and fighting to get to something better, a ‘better’ version of me.
Sorry. I know that neither of those little streams of consciousness are that overly enjoyable. I know that it isn’t fun to read about me bitching and moaning nor is it super awesome to listen to me get preachy. I just really wanted to get those things off my chest, to take that weight off of my shoulders. I’ve done that, so let’s finish up with some…
- Happy belated Birthdays to THE Karl & Master Kedrin 4.0! Thanks for letting us share your big days.
- The switch over to 5E is now in full swing. With the renewal for my DDI subscription near I opted to just get out of 4E altogether. I know it was not the easiest decision for my Campaigns, players, supporters, and detractors. However, I decided it was time. The groups are coming together finally and we’ve lost some folks; Good luck and gawd’s speed El Bobert-O! And we’ve welcomed back some wayward souls, FINALLY The Koala has come BACK to the D&D TABLE! It sounds as if we might have some other folks leaving to form another group. The reality is if people are playing and having fun I don’t care if it’s with me or with someone else. I’m re-pouring through the PHB, I’m prepping for our Microscope sessions in October, and I’m letting my imagination try and formulate some interesting ideas. I’m getting my focus, my desire, but most importantly my enthusiasm back. We’ll see what happens in this brave, new Known World.
- Mighty Mike has started a blog; Michael James Harmon’s Basement Of Sleaze. It is a blog dedicated to genre cinema; you should all be reading it.
- So my DCM Kickstarter miniatures finally arrived. The packaging was completely smashed up, my Kraken has some paint that has come off it, one of my mermaids is missing its staff, my giant plant monster was broke, and all my Giant Skeletons has warped swords. I know DCM is attempting to ‘make it right’, and I admire that. I like them as a company, but I think this may have killed my desire to give them any more of my money for another Kickstarter. This one was SO long overdue that it felt like a Cool Mini Or Not Kickstarter, which by the way just because you keep sending me updates of miniatures doesn’t mean I’m still not irritated that what I paid for isn’t in hand you asshats. I think DCM is run by very nice people, with a vision, and a desire to make quality products at affordable prices. I also think that doesn’t always translate to success.
- We might Podcast on Thursday. I think I type that every week…
- James and his Magical Beard and I watched the 2014 CHIKARA King Of Trios, all three nights. I’m not sure how I can get across just how amazing it was. CHIKARA has a tendency to blow the doors off during King Of Trios weekend, and this was no exception. Whereas in the past I think the quality of matches really was the calling card of most of these events this year it was trumped by the storytelling. There was a HUGE call back to the B.D.K. story, we saw Deucalion terrifyingly unmasked, the Greenhorn Militia got what they thought they wanted, Delirious’ claim to destroy Ultra Mantis Black’s ‘world’ looks to finally have started to come to fruition, Jigsaw left the Gekido, the new Doctor Cube was revealed, the fate of the Snow Troll is sadly known, and Eddie Kingston’s tale has come full circle finally. The entire show was cathartic in a lot of ways, as it took a LOT of the heaviness of this Flood Vs. CHIKARA story and finally gave us a taste of the tide turning. It left me wondering just what we are going to see in the last few ‘episodes/events’ of the Season. I truly think we need to see Kingston destroy Jimmi Jacobs, Kid Cyclone either needs to go full blown Heel Turn or destroy someone in the Flood permanently, we need to see who has the Estonian Thunderfrog’s Hammer Of Peace, and Icarus must have a face to face showdown with Deucalion. To me these are the things that need to happen! As you can see I don’t need questions answered, I just need to keep seeing CHIKARA take me on this strange, wonderful, emotional, and brilliant ride. Thank you James & CHIKARA!
- Thank the Gawds that The Chris Gethard Show is back. WHEW!
- I painted last week! Yeah, you just read that right. I painted a bunch of rats, some swarms of flesh eating beetles, a magpie, some villagers, and some creepy giant ticks. I used a lot of dry brushing, soft brush strokes, and some ‘color up’ techniques to get decent results. Cassandra really liked what I finished; I’m not as pleased but realize that they are another step up from other things I’ve painted. I think I might paint tonight. Perhaps I’ll go on a Pugwampi RAMPAGE!
- For those that know, ‘Ditto Forever’….
- We finally watched the first episode of the 2nd season of Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Let me say that I was pretty ‘meh’ on the first part of the first season, but I stuck with it and the show grew on me. The 2nd Season is already killing it. We got a cinematic version of the Absorbing Man, and it was done in such a seamless and inventive way that I was left grinning ear to ear. The show has a fallen into a very ‘Torchwood’ vibe for me, as I don’t feel like ANYONE is safe from being maimed &/or killed so every episode has some potential gravity to it. So if you didn’t care for Season 1 or dropped it early in, I implore to give it another go.
- I need a haircut.
I think that is all I got...