Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Matchstick Men Vs. Used Cars

I had grand plans this weekend to get resumes sent out en masse.  Alas, that did not occur.  Instead the weekend was a blur of activity, helping others, pancakes and best omelet I've ever eaten, travel, being tortured by children in lucha libre masks, gaming, podcasting, and relentless exhaustion.  I sort of feel like I have failed myself by not setting aside time and/or effort to get to what I really want and need to do.  At the same time I can't say 'no' to people, I don't like cancelling things, and some things in life are by their very nature obligations.

It isn't a bad thing.  It is just sort of awkward.  Last night after a mad session of grilling, Casual Doug arrived and we board gamed.  Throughout the night I was teased about two things; my shitty dice rolling and the frustration it gives me AND the fact that I can't or don't know how to say 'No'.  It is a weird thing because it sort of hurts, not as bad as all the 1's and 2's I have been rolling on any and ALL d6's that touch my hand regardless of game, as it is a strange mirror that I have to stare into in shame. 

I never set out to be this way.  I say 'No' all the time 40 hours a week, I think less out of anything other than blind spite.  However, it is true that outside of work with people I like, care about, or want to help that I am unwilling/unable to say 'No'.  I wasn't always this way.  In fact for large swathes of it I've been very selfish and found myself constantly saying 'No' unless it led to some type of tangible net gain for Me.  Somewhere along the line though I started trying to be 'better'.  Part of that desire to be 'better' was to get that selfishness under control, work towards the happiness of others, and be someone people were/are proud to call Friend.

In that I have found profound happiness, and do feel like I have become a 'better' person.  However, I have also left myself up to being taken advantage of, I have put up with some things that I would never have tolerated in the past, and that I most likely have given far more in my relationships with others than I have asked for, demanded, or gotten in return.  This cog of 'Yes' has become so ingrained that I have taken these things in stride, and I think in some self destructive, self-loathing part of my psyche I feel like I am getting what I deserve.  That is something I don't want to talk about today though.

I really do long to see the people around me successful, healthy, and happy.  I really do want to do whatever I can to make that happen.  I try to be complementary, I try to give small things to show appreciation and even affection, I try to listen, and I try really hard to be a place/person where people can go to that allows them some escape, some safe place where they can just vent if they need to, and a place where they aren't going to be judged or pushed away or neglected.

I have found happiness in the happiness of others.  And as frustrating and maybe 'sad' as it can be that I have a blind spot when it comes to 'No', I don't know if I can change that.  Honestly, I don't think I want to change.  I would rather be the butt of a stream of mockery, suffer the slings and arrows of being taken advantage of periodically, and have to deal with the self-imposed frustration of those failings than go back to being who and what I was before.  It isn't the fairest or smartest trade-off, but who am I to say 'No' to it?

See what I did there? 

How about we do a quick round of...


- We finally played Dungeon Roll last night!  I dug it, Casual Doug is intrigued, and Cassandra wasn't that impressed but is willing to give it another chance.  This was a Kickstarter I backed a LONG time ago that has set on my shelf, and my other copy sits on a shelf with THE Karl and Master Ked 4.0.  The rules are basically unreadable and beyond confusing.  We watched a YOUTube tutorial that really did a decent job of getting us started.  I can now see that, for me, the hype is warranted.  It's a fun game and one I can't wait to play again soon.

- Chris Gethard has a new AMAZING podcast; Beautiful/Anonymous!  Go check it out!

- Less than a week to go on Privateer Press' "Widower's Wood" Kickstarter and they've taken one of the big stretch goals and made it a social media goal.  It is an interesting tactic.  This whole campaign has been interesting.  I give Privateer Press kudos for going their own way with their campaign model, their attempts at flexibility to bring in more backers, and an attempt to communicate with backers once they got going.  At the same time, I feel like this was a massively missed opportunity and that they should have really taken some pointers from other successful models. 

- Shuffle Sounds - Podcast's newest episode was pretty fun.  I think I put out an album that I like, but that is a challenge in order to inspire conversation and I wasn't disappointed.

- I had a weird seizure while grilling last night.  My arm ended up over my head doing weird stuff.  The scary part is I was like 2 feet from my grill which was fired up.  It is never fun, but it gets really disconcerting when it happens out of the blue like that.  I know I can't control this thing, but I like to pretend I have a handle on it.  Every time I think I have hit a spot where I am making progress I feel like these strange setbacks occur and steal my wherewithal.

- Saturday night is a Basement Of Sleaze Double Feature in my basement and a double shot of the new Basement Of Sleaze Podcast.  I just hope Mighty Michael J. Harmon is feeling up to it.

- The Simian Circle Games' "World Architect Cards" Kickstarter is down to it's last 24 hours!  All the stretch goals have been conquered!  I am beyond excited to get this in my hands and try it out on the Insecurity Blanket Podcast.  This Wed., The Beard and I are going to take a stab at using some Story Dice to build a tale and talk about the next four month Mini-Campaign that is kicking off in April.

Time to get back to it, to put back on my 'game face', and push my way through the remainder of the day.  I just keep reminding myself during these times that it's just 40 hours.  It is just a job.  If I do this time that it affords me the Time to do the things I want, to be around the people I enjoy, and to fail at saying 'No'.


  1. Why does it have to be all yes or all no? I think the point is to find a happy medium where you get to do things to help people and make them happy and also being able to occasionally say 'no', because you need to do something for yourself. It shouldn't be all over our another, or should be some of both.

    1. All things in Moderation, including Moderation. Easier said than done.