Friday, March 4, 2016

Prozac Nation Vs. Before I Disappear

Lately things haven't been going my way.  Physical ailments a plenty, the woes of 40 hours a week that are soul crushing, and the drudgery of being lower Middle Class don't leave one with an overwhelming sense of 'but it's going to get better!'  In my time of need I've always had my Friends.  They have always been the shining light of what is good, what is going to get better, and the main reason to just roll my tubby funster butt out of bed on a daily basis.

For whatever reason that hasn't been enough of late.  My Friends are still friggin' the Cat's Meow.  I have just found myself in these doldrums of intense melancholy where I feel like I am drowning in a quagmire of failure.  I feel profoundly unworthy of everything in my life.  Which is silly.  I know I haven't always been a good person, but I know I work really hard at it now.  I know I try my best to be forthright, giving, and respectful.  I also know that this is NOT my default setting and I do have to really work at it.

Right now I'm isolating myself because my ability to do this has been wavering.  There are VERY few people in my life who don't bring me some frustration, who don't eventually make me want to push them away, and who I can and would literally want to spend all my time with them.  These folks get the pass when I'm in one of these 'funks'.  The thing is right now I feel like I'm even pressing my luck with them.

I have no desire to feel this way, and if it was as easy as waking up and saying, "Fuck it!  I'm going to feel good today regardless!"  I would do that.  I just can't.  The last few weeks have been just shit, and they have pulled me back into a crap mindset.  Every day the last few weeks I have looked in the mirror and said "Get it together!"  Some days have been better than others, but overall I'm just floundering.

Today has been the best it has been, and quite honestly I'm miserable.  I want to hide beneath my desk like a scalded dog, curl into a ball, and sleep until I can't sleep anymore.  I put on the veneer of a smile though and I push through.  I answer all the essential questions and obligations to the minimal requirements.  And behind my eyes is just apathy; unwavering, uncaring, mopey apathy.  I don't know how long this bout will last, all I can do is keep pushing forward, and hope that something will grab me and give me hope.

How about we leave 'Sad Bastard' mode and fire off some...

- The Kickstarter for the World Architect Cards (see them in action in the link) is really moving quickly, and I think ALL of you should give Simian Circle ALL YOUR MONEYs!

- The final episode of our mini-campaign of Star Wars is tonight!  We just had the third session and now we are doing the quick turn around and finishing tonight. 
I am using a 'No Prep' style of running and it has turned out extremely well, thank you Zack Attack.  I am, however, slightly concerned about how to wrap it up.  Do I give the PC's a right and proper ending or a cliffhanger?  OR do I go the Monsterhearts route and give them an ending that wraps up this series BUT leaves enough dangling threads to pick back up again if the mob demands it?  Also, how do I make sure The Beard gets to continue to hone his DMing craft and all the while keep the game moving, wrap up all the plots, and keep it fun for everyone in the room?  So many quandaries at my feet.  I think it is doable, and I'm determined to do my best.

- We are caught up on The Venture Brothers, and I'll be damned if this season doesn't just bring me pure joy.

- Rest In Peace Hayabusa.  You were performer who got me into Japanese wrestling. 
I still have a 'Marks' love for your tag match at Heatwave 1998.  Even though you mainly wrestled in F.M.W., which was considered 'Garbage Wrestling', you entertained and transcended that.  The high flying style, the striking, the creation of the Falcon Arrow(!), and the look just captivated me.  I still have VHS tapes that I bought from Japan to watch those F.M.W. matches.  Goodbye Hayabusa, may your Falcon fly high into eternity.   

- The Privateer Press Kickstarter for Widower's Wood keeps chugging on.  I would like to say I'm going to get out, but that would be a lie.

- With the Raspberry Pi now hooked up and running I am slowly losing myself down a Kamen Rider black hole of amazingness. 
I really do eventually want to run a Tokusatsu RPG series, but it doesn't seem like it is going to be what happens next with the Floating RPG group.  I am working on an Apocalypse World hack though, and maybe some day I'll get a chance to run it.

-   Tumblr is insanely addictive, thanks Master Ked 4.0.

- I've been building the hell out of LEGOs and knock off LEGOs of late.  They seem to give me some peace of mind and are really relaxing.  I picked up this Enlighten Blocks Pirate Ship (I got mine for $10 including shipping, HOORAY Ebay!), and Cassandra put it together. 
I know they aren't technically LEGOs, but DAMN they are incredible.  I've been trying to figure out ways to use them for different games up coming.  I'm thinking they might be perfect for Far Away Land or Adventure Maximus.  Who knows maybe I'll use them for some type of Masters Of The Universe RPG game.  Any way I go I feel like they would really bring something fun, child like, and perfect to the table for all of us to enjoy.

I'm sure I have more to talk about, but really I'm just mentally spent.  Have a good weekend everyone.

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