Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Lars And The Real Girl Vs. He Was A Quiet Man
I am completely unsure what brought this current bout on. I honestly am not overly sure how I'm faking my way through the day. I have these periods of 'normalcy' where the outward signs are subsiding, but internally I'm bursting at the seams. I'm grasping at straws as to why this is occurring. I've been doing a bunch of small things to try and sort of get a life line to anything, anyone. Nothing is really working.
You know it is funny, I don't talk about this that often. You'd think by reading this shit I write or listening to me on a Podcast that it is all I do. I really don't though. I occasionally will express it to Cassandra, because she's my Best Friend, my Wife, and truly the most amazing person I have ever known. However, I am VERY terrified to do so at the same time. I don't want to be my Dad. My Dad's illness weighed on his marriage, it almost crushed my Mom beneath its weight, and eventually it ruined the Love they had and killed him. He wore it all on his sleeve, in his hands, the way he moved, in his words, and on his face. I hide mine. I hoard it like it is my 'Precious'.
When I'm anxious I'm angry, SO angry, emotionally unstable, and extremely selfish. I feel like I want to be the center of things, at the very least be the center of my own little world. And the reality is I have worked so hard to not act that way that it throws me completely out of whack. It is this strange odd juxtaposition to find yourself in. Being so full of selfish "LOOK AT ME, PAY ATTENTION TO ME, LOVE ME" energy, but trying to keep yourself in the mindset of not acting like a egocentric twit.