Thursday, May 12, 2016

Nerve Vs. Punch Drunk Love

I'm walking on the pin head of a needle.  It isn't a bad thing necessarily.  I'm very excited about finishing up the next 6 days and a some hours of what has been a nine year sojourn.  At the same time I am so uncertain about the future that I'm really stressed, beyond anxious actually.  I know that what comes next will be something better.  It seems SO crazy better that I can't even stand it.

That's the thing though, I'm constantly worried that the 'other shoe' will drop and it will fall apart.  This is the realist/pessimist part of me.  I always look for the worst thing to happen.  Either I won't be good enough, or they'll start to think I'm not capable, or a meteor will fall from the sky and ONLY destroy my future spot, etc.  They are ridiculous and dumb, but they are mine. 

I was so worked up over it on Tuesday that I had as close to a full blown melt down at work as I've had since I got the phone call that my Dad was dead.  I was just falling to pieces while at my desk and trying everything to hold it together.  I thought maybe I would feel better talking about it, posting on the Facebook about it, and just trying to 'own' it.  Then a surprising thing happened, people responded.

Make no mistake about it, I don't podcast, blog, post, etc. for attention.  Shit, if you look at how many people actually listen to or read the drivel I post then you'll realize that.  I do it because I really do have a hard time expressing my emotions to others.  They swell inside me and my ability to ration them out effectively is poor.  So they end up erupting out, generally in unproductive ways.

So I posted two pictures, a before and an after/during anxiety.  I had read an article about people doing this in order to express to the world just how brutal anxiety can be.  For the record it is.  So I followed suit and did the same with a message reminding people that we all can struggle with this and to be good to one another, to support one another, and to give those hugs when needed.  Shockingly, people came out of the woodwork to give encouragement, tell their own tale of their struggle, give those virtual and real hugs, and just generally be amazing human beings. 

So first up, THANK YOU!  Thank you to everyone who said something or sent a hug or even just had a 'like' for that.  Secondly, I hope people out there I know realize that they aren't alone.  That you don't have to be afraid to be vulnerable in the confines of whatever it is you are struggling with.  That just a little compassion, a little interest in the health of others, and that if you take the time to just look at another person and say "You ok?" can really turn someone's day around.  Each person who did just that made that day bearable, and is making today easier.

Life is hard and it is LONG.  Chris Rock said, 'Time is short, but Life...Life is LONG!'  It is true.  Our time is finite and feels rushed and the older we get the more we realize how short that time is.  However, Life is long.  Every mistake we make, every struggle we have, and every choice we make becomes magnified as the pressure and negative consequences become bigger and bigger.  If we try and tackle this all alone it can be a Herculean task at the best, and impossible at the worst.

The thing is we don't have to.  We aren't alone.  We surround ourselves with people, whether directly or indirectly, who care.  When they show they care it is something truly amazing.  It is humbling.  The thing is we can all do this more often for one another.  I know I try, and after Tuesday I think I'm going to try even harder. I like to help people.  I have sort of dedicated my life to it.  There is nothing greater than helping people you care about.

So if you need me, you know where to find me.  I am happy to listen, happy to be there for you, and happy to remind you that you are incredible and that this time, no matter how bad it feels it is, will pass.  And that I'll be happy to help pick up the pieces afterwards.  I'm happy to do this because I know you would do the same for me.

Sometimes when the human experience manifests itself this way all I can do is smile and give you....


- I have fallen to the 'bug', and I'm in on the Warhammer Quest reboot, the Silver Tower.  Sure it is going to cost me some serious cheese, but DAMN does it look good.

- Big guest on Heel Turn Radio next week.  I'm nervous.
- I am physically a mess lately.  SO I've decided to bribe Friends to help me knock out yard work.  If you are interested in eating some smoked pork butt on Sunday then let me know and you can come help me mow my gawd damn yard and I'll feed you.

- I am going to paint little dudes Sunday afternoon.

I think that's all I got, I just wanted to put it out there just how much everyone's encouragement, hugs, and their admission of struggling with the same things meant to me.  Thank you again...

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