Monday, December 7, 2009

Magnificent Ruffians Vs. Crippled Avengers

So Kung Fu B-Day has come and went, and leave it to my Mon. through Fri. gig to take all that fun that took place from Friday night to Sunday night and take a fat Cleveland Steamer on it. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, different rules for different folks. It’s as if I’m spending time in a Junior High sometimes. Anywho…

So Kung Fu B-Day was a success, well to me anyways, even with only a moderate turnout. Let me first say THANK YOU to those that made the trip, brought their appetite, their goodwill, their friendship, but more than anything else brought their funny. Again, thank you. So here is what we watched;
- Magnificent Ruffians (*** ½ out of 5 Kung Fu Kicks!) – I told fools I’d be bustin’ a film out at 12pm sharp. I was a bit late, but not to much, so J.B. & I got our Shaw Brothers on. This film was about two masters at odds, one rich and influential, one poor and friendless. Evil rich dude, yes EVIL like all rich people, uses some vagabond Kung Fu-sters, ruffians if you will, to take advantage of friendless guy. Then he kills him. Fighting ensues, and the body count gets high. As always with Shaw Brothers films there is a lot of exposition between CRAZY Kung Fu warfare! And of all the people laughing and takin' shots at this movie Charity was the funniest. Welcome Mrs. Mike. It was a nice way to start.
- Karate Bullfighter (**** out of 5 Karate Chops!) – Oh Sonny Chiba is there nothing rape won’t fix? Talk about a dark film, DAMN! When the “hero” rapes someone he loves, beats animals to death with his bare hands, and loves nothing as much as Karate you know why it’s a Tarintino favorite. This is the first part of a trilogy. It’s good, not great, and damn it’s depressing. It was our one and only Chiba film of the day.
- Crippled Avengers (**** out of 5 Chops To The Throat!) – Welcome to the most insensitive film about the handicapped I’ve seen in awhile. Oh and by insensitive I mean insensitively AWESOME! Dude gets his arms chopped off by an enemy of his father as a child. The guilty father gets the son killer metal arms. The son grows up and becomes a douche, as does his bitter father, mainly over having a “crippled” son. So in the midst of some grade ‘A’ hatin’ they cripple some dudes who they feel deserve it. First guy they poke out his eyes, second dude they poison him so he can’t talk and make him deaf, and the third dude, they cut off his legs. Then another dude rolls into town and decides to get revenge for these poor outcasts, except he’s an idiot and gets captured. They then take him wrap a chain around his head and squeeze him into mental retardation, and no I’m not making this up. So for the rest of the movie this dude is sort of “child like”. Anywho, they all get trained to be badasses, but they have to work together to be dangerous, of course due to their handicaps. In the end it’s a throw down with a body count, and the Metal Arms meets a fitting end, as does his douche bag father. It was a solid Shaw Brothers flick that I would watch again.
- Masked Avengers (***** out of 5 Spears To The Guts!) – This movie stole the day! It was good, suspenseful, and had a HELL of a fight at the end, complete with booby traps that gave the whole thing a bizarre Nintendo end game boss battle feel. Oh and for those that don’t know, everyone of these Shaw Brothers stars like the same seven dudes, so it makes the movies have this weird continuity. Especially since the same damn guy plays a bad guy in EVERY MOVIE! Well this one is about a masked conspiracy of trident wielding, blood drinking, killers and an all-star group of Kung Fu warriors assembling to defeat them. Well the All-Star team gets annihilated as the movie goes along in some gruesome ways. It seems the whole movie that the Masked Avengers cult is just one step in front of the “good guys”. Oh yeah all these Masked Avengers wear masks, even the three leaders, who when you find out who they are it makes sense why the “good guys” are takin’ the pipe so much of the flick. All this is good and entertaining, but this movie is about the ending, and HOLY CRAP what an ending! Just a great final battle scene, CRAZY! As pleasantly surprised as I was with Crippled Avengers, I was 1 million times more blown away by Masked Avengers. It is now in my personal upper echelon of Kung Fu.
- Kid With The Golden Arm (**** ½ out of 5 Arms Chopped Off!) – This is Dark Dave’s favorite Kung Fu flick, and for good reason, it is tits. This one had a bit of a live action Ninja Scroll (*** out of 5 Throat Needles for the Dubbed version & ***** out of 5 Head butts for the Subtitled version) feel to it. Group of supremely nasty villains, some mediocre dudes just trying to survive the onslaught, and a main hero, Detective Hai Toa, who is morally scrupulous and completely deadly. Oh and this one had a twist, there was another ‘secret’ villain who makes the end fight even more surreal. After all Dave’s hype, after not seeing it since I was like 7, this flick lived up to all the hub bub.
- Five Deadly Venoms (**** ½ out of 5 Brown Leather Vests!) - By the time we hit this flick I was almost Kung Fu’ed out. J.B. was in and out of snoring in the corner, and it was a true test of endurance. What can I say, but good flick? Interesting plot, even if the idea didn’t make the most sense, great characters, and a huge nasty fight at the end. Super solid flick. I want to practice Toad Style.

Since I’m pressed for time now how about some


- J.B. and I watched the HELL out of some Batman Brave and the Bold & some Venture Brothers this weekend. Oh and if anyone out there who reads this (anyone, anyone) missed Venture Brothers last night go to Adult and watch it ASAP. It’s got the Order Of The Triad fighting Cthulhu. Let that sink in. CTHULHU!
- I got myself a Hulk Hoody. And yes, YES it is B.A.!
- I love the Electric Six and so should you.
- Dave, J.B., and myself hit a little comic show this weekend. I’ve now come to the realization that I’m a Trades guy now; back issues have officially lost the power of their siren’s song.
- I’ve been getting’ my Christmas shop on, and it’s going well. A few things left and I’ll be done!
- Going to a Chinese buffet with Dave & J.B. is fun, but the conversation makes it “teh funnest”…
- Mary & Christina are PREGNANT! It’s awesome to watch two people so in love and committed to each other finally have the opportunity to bring a life into the world. Oh and they buy kick-ass b-day gifts as well. Congrats and thanks again ladies.
- Sunday we played a massive game of Small World (**** out of 5 Chits) in the basement, fireplace side. J.B., Dave, Liz, Cassandra, myself, & then the late arrival of Mary & Christina made for an entertaining time. Cassandra won by one over J.B. in a stunning upset. Liz and I took each other out, and Dave just wasn’t a factor. This was fun, but it paled in comparison to the conversation afterwards. It’s refreshing to know we have so many friends; it’s even better to know we have so many smart and humorous friends. Oh and just to re-iterate Dave I wouldn’t pay $300 for sex ‘cause I could buy a PS3 with that cash….

Well it’s time to go…


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