Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Scanners Vs. The Puppet Masters

I’m not sure if it’s my computer, which sucks huge donkey cock, or blogspot, but currently I can’t respond to anyone’s comments, so rest assured Joe & Anthony, I have responses locked, cocked, & loaded, and I’ll deliver them as soon as able. I just re-read that last sentence and yes Dave I recognize the sheer infinite number of dirtiness just below the surface, and I am choosing to ignore it.

So last night all my hopes of finally, FINALLY, beating Steve in Battlemasters was once again shattered. It wasn’t like I or we, got whupped, it was just that Steve does what Steve ALWAYS does in this game, he got some luck to go his way, some cards to fall favorably, and played smart enough to be able to stand tall in victory. This time on top of one of the most improbable comebacks of all time, he was humble as well, SHOCKING! Steve is not known for his humbleness in victory, in fact he more often than not relishes in not just destroying your hopes and dreams, but then explaining it to you by standing mere inches from you while screaming things like; “USA! USA! USA!” for five minutes straight. In then end it was a hell of a game, a great comeback, and all it did was add fuel to the fire of me wanting to beat Steve at that damn game.

I was thinking the other day while listening to the genius that is Kevin Perrirra on G4’s “Attack Of The Show” about what makes up ‘Merica. For those that don’t know ‘Merica is the fictional land a disturbingly vast majority of people live in. So I’ve decided to challenge to both myself, and all you who read this, to the infinitely difficult task of defining exactly


- People who cry with Glen Beck.
- Those unable or unwilling to operate a turn signal.
- People who think that are current President not only wasn’t born in the country but also is a ‘secret’ Muslim.
- Anyone who when given the opportunity to read states, “I’ll just wait for the movie…”
- “Softball Guy”.
- Those that would blame social ills on any of the following; T.V., video games, music, &/or movies.
- People who not only watch NASCAR, but also actively purchase NASCAR merchandise &/or have a tattoo of their favorite drivers number.
- Fox News watchers.
- Those who participate in “Tea Parties”.
- Anyone who can’t turn off his or her cell phone.
- People who think that the “Liberal Media” goes out of it’s way to ‘make’ Sarah Palin look dumb.
- Anyone that enjoys any piece of music that was either produced by a winner of a televised karaoke show OR was force-fed to them by some MTV channel.
- Those that fear the Government Census.
- People who use words like Communist, Socialist, Fascist, etc., but yet don’t know what the words mean.
- Anyone who thinks Family Guy is a “smarter” show than South Park.
- People offended by South Park.
- “Trend Setters”.
- Anyone who thinks Pro Wrestling is real.
- Those that thought “Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull” was even the third best of the four films.
- People who think that if you don’t worship their version of God then you need to “leave this country”.
- People who think that a sticker of a flag or a flag pin make them a ‘patriot’.
- Anyone who chides Terrell Owens but applauds the antics of Chad Ochocinco.
- Members of the 700 Club.
- Publishers & writers who use comics to make thinly veiled political statements.
- People who carry signs to schools or public places that say “God Hates Fags”.
- Those that own more guns than they have family members.
- Late people.
- Anyone who thinks CSI, NCIS, House, Grey’s Anatomy, 24, According To Jim, or any other number of contrived “drama” programs are the pinnacle of televised entertainment.
- People who get their investment advice from Jim Kramer.
- Those that would trade freedom for safety.
- Anyone who enjoyed X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
- People who agree with Keith Brooking.
- Thinly veiled racists.
- People who send political forwards.
- Anyone who has or throws a Sweet Sixteen party.
- Those that would confuse money used by the government for things like school lunches, social programs, social services, etc. as “Big Government”.
- People who take both Bill O’Reilly &/or Keith Oberman seriously.
- Social Networking Addicts.
- Anyone who mistakes movies that are ‘re-imagining’, ‘remakes’, or ‘re-tellings’ of previous stories for being better than the original.
- People have their entire self worth tied up into a sporting team, I’m looking at you Dirty ‘Sconies.
- Those that enjoy Life Time Entertainment Channel movies.
- People who trust any ‘reporting’ done by ESPN.
- Fans of game shows that require nothing more than picking a briefcase.
- People who take any politician “at their word”.
- “Fringe Elements”.
- Anyone who marks either of the Jackass movies as high points of cinema.
- Those that think of “Joe The Plumber” as some sort of Hero.
- People who enjoy Reality T.V. that involves any of the following, truckers, bounty hunters, people famous for being on badly scripted “reality shows”, dwarves, playmates, women famous for having great butts &/or a sex tape, single people, karaoke singers, wannabe models, ‘celebrities” with addiction issues, people from New Jersey, game shows ‘staring’ people from other reality shows, people willing to eat anything for cash, lumberjacks, cake makers, terrible cooks, fishermen, people famous for having a bunch of children, etc.
- Those that use double negatives.
- Anyone who believes what they are told.
- People whom text.
- Dallas Cowboy fans.
- People who think Jay Leno, Jeff Dunham, or Carlos Mencia are funny OR in any way shape or form talented.
- Anyone who uses Gay or Retarded as a synonym for Lame.
- Those that confuse Liberal with Progressive.

I think that’s a good start, so I’m challenging you! Yes you, the readers, whether you are a commenter or even those lurkers out there, to add to this list. On a side note I’m sure all of us has some “Merica tendencies, hell I know I do, the key is to only visit. If you find yourself a permanent resident, well…. Well then you most likely don’t read this blog.

On that note I give unto thee


- 65 Toss Power Trap. Why? Because it works.
- I think we’re going to start donating plasma to supplement our income. Not because we have to, but because it would make life easier. And although I fear needles I’m willing to make that sacrifice for some cash.
- This day cannot end fast enough.
- I’ve been using a ‘bit’ when I sleep for a little over a week now to hopefully curb some of my jaw clenching and teeth grinding when I sleep. Wow, it makes a difference. My face doesn’t hurt near as much as it had been in the morning of late, and I’ve slept better. Who’da thunk it?
- I could use a Chipoltle burrito right now.
- Last night I went to a local sushi place on my way to Tuesday Night Board Gaming and had an amazingly enormous meal for a relatively cheap price. I must say that if your not willing to give sushi a go, then you really are missing out, it’s a very refreshing meal.
- I’ve made a life changing decision. From now on when confronted with a question I can’t or just refuse to answer my stock answer is now going to be, “Batman, that’s why.”
- Was there ever a better fighting game than Street Fighter II?

Well at this rate I won’t get anything done…

“Fool me once…Won’t get fooled again…”


  1. I'm totally adding to your list. Off the top of my head, how about...

    -People who think that the US should be fighting the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan because it's predicted in the Bible.
    -Thinking that eating meat is an "instinct".
    -Poor to middle-class people who fear big government, but have no problem with giant corporations.
    -Mothers who scream at their children in public.

  2. As bachmann would say: Are you pro-'merica? or anti-'merica? I've been using the wourd 'Merica for awhile ripping on Hannity and G-Dub. The only difference is that I assumed the "A" was still there, just silent. Removing it and putting the 'Postrophe in it's place is a masterstroke, my friend.

    -Thinking that jingoism and patriotism are interchangable.
    -Thinking that wanting to change America means you don't love America.
    -Thinking that DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTING a president is a THREAT TO DEMOCRACY.
    -Death panels. 'nuff said.
    -Thinking that elected officials "Should be just like me" GODDAMNIT! The people who say this want someone as fucking stupid as them in office? I want someone way smarter than me running this country.
    -"Denialists" People who deny the findings of evidence-based science.

    Good list. I do definitely have some "Merican tendencies, though!

  3. Joe,
    Nice additions. I'd add;
    - People who think we should be invading Iran, China, &/or North Korea.
    - Those that buy into the theory of an "Axis Of Evil".
    - PETA

    Your Middle Class who fear thing IS textbook 'Merica!

    Well done sir!

  4. Antwain,
    I can't take credit for it. Kevin Perrira & Chris Hardwick on "Attack Of The Show" use it CONSTANTLY!
    - Michelle Bachman = 'Merica
    FABULOUS additions to our 'Merica list! Like I said, it's alright to have some 'Merica tendencies or to "visit 'Merica", but if you live there, if you live by a 'Merica doctrine, then first off your not reading this blog, & secondly your not reading.
    Most likely because you can't....

    Great additions brohiem!

  5. 'People who text'? That's like half the nation. Or maybe I just don't like it because I'm a texter.

    My additions:

    -People who don't change their own oil. (It's ridiculously easy and cheap).
    -People who bring their daughters to baton twirling classes.

  6. oh oh!

    And people who 'count' to their children. "Billy, you're going to be in trouble...1...2...3..."

  7. Heidi,
    Texting is an abomination upon the English language.
    I need to learn to change my own oil.
    Twirlers & kiddie beauty pagents = CREEPY!
    Oh and as for the counters, they are weak willed. My child will KNOW that if I have to count I'm simply counting all the privilages he &/or she will be losing.

    Nice additions.