Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Quick & The Dead Vs. The Thing In The Woods

* = Christian Bale GOTTA EAT!

I don’t have a lot of fun stuff to chat about, so how about just some simple reviews;

- Vampire Wars: The Von Carnstein Omnibus (*** out of 5) – This monstrosity was actually three books in one massive volume so it was an undertaking to get through. I’ve already written at length about the books themselves, see previous blogs. The big thing that leads me to this lower rating is that the volumes tend to build and build and build and then just end sort of abruptly. It’s terribly anticlimactic in spots. The same is true for the actual ending. I found myself wanting more resolution from a tale that ran through 700 plus pages and three “generations”, instead it just sort of peters out.
- Dominion: Prequel To The Exorcist (** ½ out of 5) – I’m not a huge Exorcist (**** out of 5) guy. Don’t get me wrong it’s a scary ass movie, and will haunt your dreams, but it’s just never hit me the way other fright flicks have. The reason I really watched this is Stellan Skarsgard, & suffice to say I wasn’t disappointed. This really was about him as Father Merrin more than anything else. The formation of the man, his tests of faith, and his eventual return to the arms of the Lord while turning back Satan. I’ve never watched the re-shoot of this movie, Beginning, but from what I’ve read Dominion is the far superior film.
- Rifftrax of Terminator Salvation (*** ½ out of 5) – I tried watching Terminator Salvation a couple of months ago and got so bored I turned it off. That’s right I turned a movie off about killer robots from the future, and there is only one real reason why; Sam Worthington. Whoever told this clod he could act should be drug into the streets and summarily killed. The guy has no charisma, is dull as a board, and delivers lines like he’s working the checkout line at Cub Foods, CUB PRIDE! Sorry, lost it there for a second. Anyways, I swore to myself that if I was going to try and sit through this again I would only do so with the help of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, & Kevin Murphy. I did and it was GLORIOUS! I loves me some Christian Bale, but he lends himself to being mocked and ridiculed. ‘McG’ whoever you are, you may have the pulse of ‘cool’ on television with the show Supernatural, which I do love, but stop making movies. And of course Sam Worthington, he’s just awful, ‘Nuff Said.
- The Devil’s Bride (**** ½ out of 5)WOW! What a tremendous little Hammer flick! It’s sort of a mind bender of a tale. Oh and you get Christopher Lee looking extremely Doctor Strange-esque. By the way Richard Matheson, YUP THAT Richard Matheson, wrote the screenplay! The basic tale is that Lee and Chunk Blockhead hero stumble into a cabal of devil worshippers and try to smash it when they find their friend is knee deep into Satan. Along the way Beef Rockwell, aka Leone Greene, falls for a lovely woman also on the verge of pledging her everlasting soul to Lucifer. Kidnappings, old school drive-by punching(s), drawing protective circles on the floor ensue. Its really good stuff. Charles Gray as the main villain Mocata is outstanding. He comes off as controlled, incredibly menacing, and completely sure of himself. Really a Hammer flick worth watching, so good in fact here is a guest review from Cassandra;
o This is the first real Hammer movie I actually sat down and watched all the way through. The action and pace of the movie seemed to be evenly spread out; which I think helped it feel suspenseful for the majority of the film. As a movie watcher that can typically figure out the endings of movies before they happen (about 75% of the time) I will happily admit that this movie fooled me. I would watch this movie again. (**** out of 5)
- The Gorgon (*** out of 5) – Oh The Gorgon, you had SO much potential. Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as rivals, a really nice little premise, some great scenery to play with, and beautiful set-up. Then you get to see the monster. * Sigh * Listen I can suspend the HELL out of some disbelief, but this monster is just bad. In addition it’s a little linear in its presentation. You have a good feeling early on that you KNOW what’s going on, so it’s less of story being laid bare and instead a dissertation. Now of course Lee is great as a crazy professor intent on intimidating his way into the truth and Cushing is fantastic as the conflicted Doctor who knows the truth and has a LOT to hide. I wanted to love this flick, but the monster left me cold. Here is our guest reviewer Cassandra;
o Maybe I had high expectations after viewing "The Devil's Bride" but I was sorely disappointed by this movie. The movie’s not so subtle attempts to lead you to the answer of the dilemma end up blowing it a quarter of the way in. Then you spend the last 75% of the movie waiting for something climactic to happen. Compared to "The Devil's Bride" this movie was jerky in pace and showed no real story plot. It was like eating dessert first and then being told you can't leave the table until you eat your green beans. Where is the fun in that? (** out of 5)
- I Love You Beth Cooper (*out of 5) – Blah! This movie wants to be cute, it wants to be fun, and it wants to be over the top, it wants a lot of things. It really is unable to accomplish any of them. Hayden Panettiere is fun to look at, but she can’t carry a movie. In fact the lead is harder to look at then the monster in The Gorgon. Seriously, that dude is ugly. The characters are ciphers, and annoying ciphers at that. In the end this movie looked like it had ten to many hands in the writing and production cookie jar as it was all over the place. And unfortunately none of those places were entertaining. Cassandra your thoughts;
o I never heard of or watched a trailer for this movie before watching it, so I went into this viewing with no preconceived notions. With that being said, I could have never seen this movie and been okay with that. I would not call it bad, but I would call it typical and unsurprising. There are moments of "oooohhhhs" and "hahas" but for the most part it is too similar to many other movies to make it special. Plot: geeky boy likes hot popular girl, boy makes a grand gesture, girl's crazy older boyfriend finds out, hijinx ensues, stars learn a life lesson, happy ending with unresolved subplots. It's not so horrible it is unwatchable, but I would only recommend it if you want some laughs and a movie to make fun of at the same time. (** out of 5)

Isn’t she the best?

Anywho how ‘bout some

- The Chiefs lost. I thought it would be worse, BUT I was pleasantly surprised to see that if Bowe wouldn’t have gotten the “drops” towards the end of the game The Chiefs may have actually won. This is a for real team. They pushed the Colts in Indy! I’m sticking by my initial thoughts though; they are a few years away from being real contenders, although it maybe even sooner after watching the Raiders beat the Chargers. The AFC West is there for the taking.
- Watching movies with Cassandra is becoming a blast. I was shocked and amazed she sat through the above Hammer flicks. I was awed that she enjoyed them. This keeps up and I’m going to have to watch something like Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants in return.
- Is touching someone, sometimes intimately, and saying “…it’s ok, don’t run from it…” creepy? Cassandra says yes, like Catholic Priest Creepy, I say it depends on context. Either way it’s funny. Thoughts?
- Saturday we were in “The Cloud” for the “Bear’s” birthday. It was a good time. It’s weird to see him growing up so fast. Pretty soon he’ll be into the same geeky crap his dad is into, THEN the real fun will start.
- I find it really funny how so many have buried Brett Farve in this whole Jen Sturger thing before there is any definitive proof. Oh and I’m not talking about schlubs like me who really don’t care, and use it for humor. I’m talking supposed legitimate media sources. Stephen A. Smith, who has the greatest angry staccato voice delivery in the history of the UNIVERSE, was blasting the Baby Cheezus this morning like he’d been tried and found guilty. In fact they were comparing him to Tiger Woods & Roger Clements. Wow! Really? ‘Cause last I checked the Cheezus hadn’t been found guilty of anything, yet. Now that doesn’t mean he won’t be, in fact I suspect he will be. Hell I think he did it, BUT you have an obligation as a supposed journalist to have FACTS! So when you treat your opinion like FACTS your no longer a journalist. It’s as if sports have become politics; the facts just don’t matter anymore.
- Sunday we went to California Pizza Kitchen (**** out of 5) with Heidi. It’s always fun to sit down and chat with the Heid-ster, although I really could do without some of the forays into the darker paths of memory lane. But as we’ve all learned some beasts just won’t die. The Pear & Gouda pizza was very “tatty”.
- Even though DC Universe Online is delayed until next year, they just put out a video on character creation and it was awesome. I seriously couldn’t be anymore excited about a video game. I’ve decided that I want to play a hero and sidekick for Hawkman. At the same time I’ll try a villain out and ‘Hench’ for one of Gotham’s criminals, OR maybe one of the Rogues in Central City. Fighting the Flash could be a hoot!
- Bret Billiman is a tool. You don’t go for two in a blowout. It’s just classless.
- By the way, the testosterone in my body prevents me from EVER watching Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants. I’ve already set through multiple viewings of Mama Mia’ (*** out of 5), my manliness can’t take another beating like that again.
- I’m getting worried about Jarred Allen, pretty soon his face will be on the back of milk cartons.
- No painting got done this weekend. This coming weekend is D&D. So it may be November before I finally get to it, which makes me sad.
- I’m tired. I’m not if I’m sick, or if I’m just tired of it all, and by “it all” I mean work. When I mean work, I don’t mean my job, I just mean working. I’m in the doldrums right now, and I’m not sure how to extricate myself.
- I’m making pot stickers soon. Why? BECAUSE I CAN!
- Cowboys Vs. Vikings Sunday, and the loser is D-O-N-E-! I think the Vikes have some hope left, as they seem to be gelling a bit, but the penalties were terrible, I’m looking at you “Captain Caveman” Jim Kleinsasser, four ten yard penalties are completely unacceptable. I watched the Cowboys against the Titans and the ‘Boys are horrible. The offensive line is brutal, Romo makes really bad “Farve-like” mistakes, and the defense is highly overrated. So it ought to be a good game.

That’s enough for now.

“I get up at seven, yeah
And I go to work at nine
I got no time for livin'
Yes, I'm workin' all the time

They call me the working man
I guess that's what I am

It seems to me
I could live my life
A lot better than I think I am
I guess that's why they call me
They call me the working man

They call me the working man
I guess that's what I am

I get home at five o'clock
And I take myself out a nice, cold beer
Always seem to be wonderin'
Why there's nothin' goin' down here

They call me the working man
I guess that's what I am

Well, they call me the working man
I guess that's what I am”

* = Is watching someone through an orb still stalking? 'Cause if not this is how Brett Farve should have handled his Bidniz...


  1. I am offended that you would even think I would want to watch The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants. OFFENDED!!