Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Ishtar Vs. Dick Tracy

* = This is how I feel every F'N Wednesday...

It is OFFICIAL. 2011 is the Shittiest Year Ever. Lately I’ve made a concerted effort to keep the blog a relatively safe heaven from bitching, complaining, and moping. In fact I think I’ve done a very solid job with that. Today will be different, so if you don’t want to read it, I get it. For the rest of you who want to bask in my human misery countdown, gird you loins…


1) My dad died. Sure if you’re going to get technical it would have been the last day of 2010, but you know what F’ off it’s my list. This has seriously been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I’ve been divorced, almost bled to death, and almost lost an eye. None of those even remotely touch the loss of one my best friends, my mentor, my dad. It’s a gaping hole in my soul, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill it or repair it, it just is.

2) Divorce. I can’t go into details here, ‘cause it’s not my place, but suffice to say two folks I’m VERY close to have decided to end their union. It’s brutal. Brutal in the way that there are kids involved, there’s family involved, and in the end no one will be the better in the short term. In the long term, who knows? I came out tempered and strong from the maelstrom of divorce. My mother became someone new, someone whom I enjoy spending time with now. While on the flip side it destroyed my father. It’s an ugly thing. It’s the ultimate rejection by the one person you trust more than anyone or anything else. It’s the souring of beauty. The thing is when you’re on the outside looking in, like I am in this situation, all you can do is hope. Hope that it’s the ‘best’ decision, hope that they both can be happy again in their new lives, hope that they can be civil, and hope you can maintain your relationships with all parties involved. It’s a whole lot of uncertainty and potential disaster, and I’m a fan of neither.

3) My work screwing with me. Let’s get a fact straight; I love me job. I’m good at it, I enjoy it, and I know I’m making a difference in the lives of others. Let’s get something else straight I don’t particularly like whom I do this work for. We differ greatly philosophically and ethically on, well on everything. There has been a wage freeze on for some time now, there is a repetitive policy of ignoring policy, and now we have no insurance. Oh and the moral of the people I deal with is at an all time low. It’s an incredibly frustrating time to be here.

4) The government screwing with my work. This is the other reason I can’t get to overly pissed at the folks who sign my checks. For all their flaws, and there are many, we contract through the state of Minnesota. I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, but we’re in a recession, and it’s a doozy. So in order to compensate with a state government that can’t find it’s ass with both hands and a road map they’ve decided to cut the Human Services budget. AGAIN. So one more time the disabled folks with him I work take the hit, which in turns means my wife and I take same said hit. Hooray democracy. See the thing that frustrates me beyond all belief is this is all done to protect that top 1% of ‘earners’ who refuse adamantly to pay any more in taxes. You know the folks who are our politicians; the folks who buy off our politicians, and the folks who bring us those wonderful billboards you see when you travel from the Twin Cities to St. Cloud. These tools would rather buy another boat, and they can, instead of stabilize this sinking ship. So in order for them to continue to pillage and live high on the hog they sacrifice the least among us. Those folks who can’t ‘earn’, don’t really vote, and have no political clout; the disabled. These same folks are the one’s who run and tout this holier than thou moral majority crap. Funny thing is I’ve read the Bible and I seem to remember it talking about helping one another and a line, and I’m paraphrasing here, “The meek shall inherit the earth”. Last I checked millionaires weren’t the ‘meek’. Oh that’s right by then they’ll have bought and sold the ‘meek’ as well as the people we elect to do right by the majority, you know the other 99% of us.

5) Fighting with friends. Even though Friday nights are all right for fighting, I tend to want to fight all the time. I don’t know why I do it. I put folks up on pedestals and then get super pissed when they fall off. I lash out when I’m tired, frustrated, or just full of that nervous piss and vinegar that has no real place to go. This year Dave and I had an U-G-L-Y spat that spewed out all over the Interweb(s), e-mail, phone calls, and friendships. It got so toxic I really thought I was going to lose my pal. The thing is, without the intervention of one Mighty Mike, it might have been the end. Sometimes it takes an outside entity to remind two folks to clean the sand out of their collective vaginas and get over themselves. I think I’ve most likely treated Ant, Mike, Cassandra, Heidi, ‘Your Name Here’ like shit at one time or another this year, with Ant I’m just lucky he’s such an amiable guy that he just shrugs it off, because I think otherwise he might shiv me in my sleep army style. I think everyone else just thinks I’m ‘crazy’. Which brings me to J. to the B. For the longest time Jon was ‘my bestest pal’. I really did look at him as the guy I could count on no matter what, and I tried desperately to do the same. Time and distance deteriorates things, even friendships, just look at my ‘friendships’ with Rims, Justy Timbo, etc. It also has a way of putting perspective on things. The reality is we were never as close as I thought we were. I was never really his best friend; I was just a friend to him. Not a big deal, hurtful yes, but not really big. Then he had a blow-up over some gaming in my basement. That really hurt me in a lot of ways. It took us a while to talk it out, to come to terms with it. As much as we like to say and act contrary, things never really go back to being what they were. I hold grudges, FACT. Dave, I love you like a brother, but if I told you things are the way they were before, I’d be a fucking liar, and I’m not going to do that. Time heals all wounds, but it also has a way of turning sweet things bitter. I don’t like, trust, or form true relationships very well. Just look at how I deal with my family. It’s as if I am a ‘loner’ obsessed with being social. “…But you hate people. Yes, but I love gatherings…” Trying to wrap my head around the curmudgeon I am is like trying to solve a puzzle in a dark room with a blindfold on, one can do it, but it induces madness. I really am trying to get better at the whole forgive and forget, to move on and be an adult about disagreements, slights (both real and imagined), and learning to ‘live and let live’. It’s a step in the right direction; it’s just difficult when you spend a lot of your time being difficult to almost every other human being on the planet.

6) Packers won the Super Bowl. Some of my friends are Dirty ‘Sconies, in fact some people, some amazing people, who read this are ‘Cheeseheads’. It’s just that you folks are INSUFFERABLE when it comes to the Packers. So to have to listen to the whole ‘Title Town’ spew for a year, and to know in my football heart of hearts that this could be a Patriot like dynasty on the verge of a run of Super Bowls makes me want to punch babies.

7) Car problems. We just dropped over a grand on my car, with another grand needed in tires, shocks, etc. in the near future. ‘Blue’ barely moves out of the garage, for any number of issues that seem to come and go. We drive over fifty miles round trip five days a week to work. That doesn’t count driving around the cities to different things, or going to St. Cloud. In addition I’ve had to drive all over the f’ing state this summer for work. It’s like I’m literally putting money in my fire pit and watching it burn.

8) Babies. Oh how we want babies. Oh how we can’t afford babies. Oh how we can scarcely afford health insurance. We are meticulous planners. We have plans for everything, and for many contingencies of ‘everything’. Cassandra and I are somewhat obsessed with making sure that the kids we have get all the opportunities our parents worked so hard to give us and more. I don’t want kids if I can’t treat them like the treasure they are. Numbers 3 & 4 on this list seem to be conspiring to F’ up all those carefully constructed plans. Seeing my wife want something so desperately, wanting it so desperately for her it’s something that makes it difficult to sleep at night.

9) The House. Speaking of plans that don’t come to fruition. The basement isn’t finished. The big tree in the back has got to go, the Birch in the front has got to go, and the gutters didn’t get on the garage. We still have that bizarre seeping in the basement floor by the dryer every once in a great while. There is that slow drip off that one pipe in the basement. Oh and wonders of wonders the driveway has a lot more cracks this year. I love our home, I do, but it pisses me off that I’m so ‘un-handy’ and it needs so much work, I’m paralyzed by analyzing it and fearing being unable to do it.

10) All the little things. The devil is in the details, and all those little details, all those things that normally don’t shake my resolve have this year been killers. Seizures, being attacked by tiny flying black ants, the NFL lock-out, dealing with Sallie Mae, scheduling things, losing a fight with the tree in the backyard, dealing with Comcast, being a ‘chubby funster’, not being able to get good solid sleep, etc. All of these things have always been there in someway shape or form, but when the other things on this list have occurred all these ‘small things’ begin to weigh heavily on my shoulders.

It’s always good to process. I feel better after processing. I now return you to you’re regularly scheduled programming.

With that out of the way…


- On 12/10/11 I’m hosting and running a 4E conversion of Expedition To Castle Ravenloft.

It’s one of my favorite adventures, I’ve had some inquiries about running one off’s, and I wanted to do something different for my birthday. I’m going to start converting ASAP, get to planning some of the new twists and turns I want to implement, and start mapping out how I’m going to use Terraclips to build something truly awesome.
- I’ve had ‘Flagpole Sitta’ by Harvey Danger stuck in my head since about 1am.
- Check it out;
How is this not getting the funding, and yet our theatres get another F’ing Saw movie. Hollywood is a creative wasteland.
- I have finished digesting Anthrax’s ‘Worship Music’ (*** ½ out of 5). It’s not bad. Someone in a music e-mail group I belong to said they felt like the album was constructed for former singer John Bush, and I agree. While I think that is just the Anthrax-sound now, it is odd to hear someone else fronting them in that style, even odder for it to be the original front man Joey. I think though that the new sound suits Joey’s voice now. He’s not the young guy he once was, he can’t quiet hit those highs anymore and can’t belt it out with the same intensity. So this pace, and level suit him more. All that being said I’m a John Bush guy, so while the album is solid, enjoyable, and Joey brings some thunder, I miss John Bush.
- Are we ever going to get new episodes of Young Justice?
- Tonight I’m helping Josey smoke, cure, and make jerky out of some of the fish he caught in Alaska. I’ve never smoked fish, but I did my research, and I’m mentally prepared. I’m eager to cure some fish and see how it turns out. Cassandra is kind enough to be on ‘jerky duty’. And yes Dave I mean that on multiple levels.
- Haircut, it’s needed.
- Ant scored: 116/200, which is; 132 – 89 = Respectable. You are showing that you haven’t lived under a rock your whole life. Even though rocks are cool and comfortable. Dammit, now I want to sleep under a rock. Not to bad. Definitely in the middle of the pack for the 2011 Geek Cred Quiz. I'm starting to wonder if anyone can unseat J.B.
- I’m over halfway through Boneshaker, and it’s picked up the pace. It has a very Steampunk meets Romero’s Dead flicks with a dash of 28 Days Later, Bioshock, and a sprinkling of Wild Wild West going on. In short it’s a LOT of things I love in a stew of awesome.
- I need to figure out my Halloween costume, and soon.
- Last night we were watching Deadliest Warrior on the DVR, yup that’s right I’m the guy who likes that show.

And while complaining to each other about how there is NO way Poncho Villa beats Crazy Horse, Cassandra blew a gasket. She saw that next week they are doing a “Very Special” episode. Zombies Vs. Vampires. I love my wife.

With that I’m off to ‘save the world’, or some such drivel…

“I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
to see a little bit clearer
rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories
mine can't forget the curves of your body
and when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
(but no one ever does)

I'm not sick but I'm not well
and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell

Been around the world and found
that only stupid people are breeding
the cretins cloning and feeding
and I don't even own a tv

Put me in the hospital for nerves
and then they had to commit me
you told them all I was crazy
they cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, god damn you

I'm not sick but I'm not well
and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
and it's a sin to live so well

I wanna publish ‘zines
and rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
it doesn't hurt, it feels fine
the trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
and kill my mind
you kill my mind

Paranoia paranoia
everybody's coming to get me
just say you never met me
I'm going underground with the moles (diggin’ in holes)

Hear the voices in my head
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
but if you're bored then you're boring
the agony and the irony, they're killing me

I'm not sick but I'm not well
and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
and it's a sin to live so well”

* = I think it speaks for itself...


  1. One of these days the "year of suck" will turn around and with so much sucking (get your head out of gutter Dave) the reward must be monumental. One can hope.

    You are one of the fe people who want to do something fun for his birthday be spending hours upon hours planning and building. You're weird. ;-)

    P.S. Zombie vs. Vampires is going to be wayyyyyyy cooler than Pancho Villa vs. Crazy Horse. Plus, imagine what their "experts" are going to be like!

  2. I don't have a doubt it will. I just wish it would sooner rather than later. I for one feel like 'Teh Sux' has worn out it's F'N welcome.

    In all honesty the idea of running a game for my friends where we get to have a 'laugh', enjoy each other's company, and play pretend is just as good as any tangible gift I could ever recieve.

    I can't wait to watch it with you!

    Oh and Dave, you were right Les Claypool's Frog Brigade version of Floyd's Animals is FANTASTIC! I mean utterly perfect.

    I AM A MAN WITH MORALS AND...oh, no I don't, I think everything is sex.
    "What's wrong with being sexy?"

    "Oh and Dave, you were right Les Claypool's Frog Brigade version of Floyd's Animals is FANTASTIC! I mean utterly perfect."

    Maybe that means I'll like it now?

    Dude, we were assholes to each other...and me being the bigger asshole!
    I know how I am, I know I'm not easy to take sometimes, and we may annoy each other at times, but know this... You are my friend, one of my VERY FEW REALLY CLOSE friends(and I think of a lot of people I've known since grade school as just acquaintances) so you and I don't have to see eye to eye on everything, but I know we can count on each other and lean on each long as we aren't on the rag.

    Now get into Primus, so you can be blown (oh my!) away by my new project Rob A and I are going to do...

    And remember "My smile let's people know the world is a beautiful and wonderful place."

  4. D.,
    - 'Cause you're a huge perv, and that's why we love you.
    - Oh you will, YOU WILL!
    - I'm trying to control my manriod. No one likes it when I'm all crabby and emotional.
    - I dig on the Primus, I'm just not obsessed like you are.
    - That phrase is disturbing.