Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Sharkey’s Machine Vs. River Of Death

* = Oh today...END!

Yesterday we worked an insanely long day, and today it’s a repeat. I was dog tired last night, but still made my way down into the basement office and hammered out what I think is probably the best of my D&D Adventure System Monster Cards;

First off, it took some time and, not to brag, but some skill to give this bad boy the translucent look I wanted. Secondly, there were some very good community ideas on how to mimic the Shade Knight’s ability to be insubstantial. Thirdly, I wanted a monster that was dangerous at 4 experience points, but had a bit of a glass jaw, so sort of a high firepower low defense beast. I think I really was able to accomplish all those goals with this monster. In three days I’ve been able to get 10 monsters completed, with the Dwarf Maulfighter needing some revision.

As I listened to KFAN this morning I had the displeasure of listening to Vikings broadcaster Pete Bercich talk about the N.T.S.B.’s study that calls for an end of people texting and talking on their cell phones while driving. The Notre Dame graduate explained that to take away the ‘right to text while driving’ was Un-American. I hoped that he was being facetious, and then I realized he was being serious. This just masks the underlying crap that goes on constantly; you disagree with someone so inherently they are ANTI-American. It’s the easiest way to ostracize without having a point. So I was thinking this seems so easy and effect, who do I think is Anti-‘Merican? So I came up with this list;

10) The Guy Who Wrote the 2011 Conan The Barbarian Movies’ Dialogue – You sir or madam are a TERRORIST. You obviously hate English, as well as ‘Merica. The fact that you most likely had never and most likely will never actually read a Robert E. Howard Conan tale is almost forgivable; your grasp of writing however is not. FOR SHAME!

9) Conservatives Who Have A Memory Lapse Every Time The Bush Presidency Is Discussed BAH! How dare you sir or madam neglect to your cherished ‘Merican HISTORY! And you call yourself a ‘Merican? Two wars, a lack of regulation, tax breaks for the richest individuals and companies, because as we ALL know they are people too, and a record accumulation of debt after a budget surplus. Your ability to ‘forgive & forget’ the legacy you have saddled us with is indeed Anti-‘Merican.

8) Tom Breevort & His Cronies At Marvel Comics – When you claimed you were going to give readers a ‘break from events’ was that just your way of saying ‘your money is on the dresser G.T.FO.’? So we finish Fear Itself, which was 7 Issues, oh wait 7 plus a tacked on three or four EXTRA issues, and now your giving us a ‘break from events’ by giving us the Avengers Vs. The X-Men? LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! And as we all know lying is akin to being a secret Muslim from Kenya.

7) The Dirty, Hated Green Bay Packers – I’m sure you are proud of yourselves. Is it 14 & 0 or 13 & 0 right now? I forget. Do you know why I forget, because it’s a sham. If you were a real ‘Merican team you’d play defense and run the football. There is NOTHING more ‘Merican than running the football. In fact they should outlaw the forward pass because only Commie Pigs score like 35 points a game. Oh and Aaron Rogers, I think he’s a closet Fascist.

6) NBC For Putting Community On Haitus – The greatest threat to the sanctity of ‘Merica is NBC. The leftist tyrants who run that network hate ‘Merica so much that they will stop at nothing to prevent us, the REAL ‘Mericans, from watching what we want, NAY NEED! Instead we’re saddled with more laugh tracks on Whitney. You know what is ‘Merican about laugh tracks? N-O-T-H-I-N-G-!

5) The Keystone XL Pipeline Being Attached To A The Extension Of The Middle Class Payroll Tax Reduction Extension – As we all know there is nothing more ‘Merican than Big Business. The only thing MORE ‘Merican than Big Business is BIG Oil Business. Just as we all know these BIG Oil Businesses are ‘People’, just like you and I. I mean c’mon don’t we know this because our government told us so? So why should we Middle Class tax payers care when politicians who have financial stakes in the success of a GIANT pipeline want to attach it to a bill that keeps our heads above water? To care, to read, to think, and to understand the issue, well that’s just Un-‘Merican! Do as your told; remember your politicians love you.

4) Vikings Stadium & Racino Haters – You know earlier when I talked, and you listened, about how nothing was more ‘Merican than running the football? Well if you don’t have a stadium then you CAN’T RUN THE FOOTBALL! And then the terrorists win. Oh and gambling…

3) James Harrison Apologists – Since when did Football become a sport for girls in tutus dancing and frolicking in the morning dew? Isn’t it a game about blood, and guts? Oh and head injuries, long-term care, suffering, early on-set dementia and Alzheimer’s. All James Harrison was doing was making sure Colt McCoy, much like a lot of other folks in the NFL, became adequately introduced to the crown of Mr. Harrison’s helmet. Was it a late hit, maybe? Was it leading with the crown in an attempt to injure, yes, but isn’t that what we want? Isn’t it the most ‘Merican thing you can do to put a guy on a stretcher, even if it’s late and dirty? To hate James Harrison for being a cocky cheap shotting douche bag is fine, hell that’s ‘Merican, however to hate him for giving us those late cheap shots where he attempts to cripple guys well that’s Un-‘Merican, and when you are Un-‘Merican then you hate the troops.

2) The Lack Of Bloodshed In The Republican Debates – I don’t know about you, but where I come from; a mythical, shining house on the top of a hill in the MIDDLE OF ‘MERICA if you put a hand on me then you get cut! So when Mitt Romney dared lay hands on that bastion of ‘Merica Rick Perry I want to know why Perry didn’t roll up his flannel shirt sleeves, but in a huge ‘chaw’ and beat that Medical Care Socialist to within an inch of his life. It is beyond me why Newt Gingrich is being attacked about his having multiple marriages. Isn’t Newt just practicing sound & shrewd Capitalism? I mean the first two wives broke down so he replaced them. I mean if that explanation is good enough for Jesus isn’t it good enough for the rest of the candidates. ‘Cause if it isn’t he should just stab them. In the face.

1) People Who Read This & Think I’m Serious – Why do you hate ‘Merica & the troops so much? Is it because you’re a Intellectually Elite Socialist? Or is because you hate FREEDOM?

See you don’t even have to make sense you just attack! You appeal to the least common denominator in us all, the mob mentality, and you mercilessly pile on. THAT is how you do it. The more you call people ‘leftists’, ‘Communists’, ‘Socialists’, ‘Un-American’, ‘Un-Patriotic’, or my personal favorite ‘you hate the troops’ the more you ‘WIN’. It’s disappointing and sad that the rational discourse and ability for human beings who have opposing view points to have a conversation that doesn’t involve yelling, name-calling, or blood shed has been lost. Maybe in the future we can text these things to each other, of course while driving…


- I didn’t grill. I was just to tired, luckily it sounds as if this weekend it’ll still be in the mid to high thirties, so I’m going to make a go of it Saturday afternoon. I’ll fire up that bad boy and get as much of that tasty goodness as I can as long as the weather allows.
- Small World this weekend? I think it must happen.
- I have absolutely ZERO motivation to be at the place that pays me this week, or really I’m guessing next week either. Christmas is right in front of me and I’m excited to give gifts. At the same time I’m really sad that this is the first one with no Big Love. It’s odd to be packing up gifts to go south without anything going to him. It makes me feel strange.
- We started re-listening to ‘The Great Darkness’ in the car today, I had forgotten just who lush that album is Dave. It’s really outstanding.
- I’ve realized I’m not hoping to win the lottery to be able to live comfortably, to help others, or to pay my debts? I want it so I can dick off all day. So I can sit in front of a MASSIVE television and play video games, so I can own Warhammer Quest, so I can have a giant brick pizza oven, etc. The thing is if I were wealthy I’d have these things and most likely not even use them.
- The Hockey experiment has temporarily ended. It’s just not that fun to watch it alone.

And with that shred of sadness…

“Mr. Samberg Thanks for coming to your performance review
No problem
So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say? A
bsolutely, I'm the boss
Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss
Well the first thing I do is...

Talk to to corporate (like a boss)
Approve memos (like a boss)
Lead a workshop (like a boss)
Remember birthdays (like a boss)
Direct workflow (like a boss)
My own bathroom (like a boss)
Micromanage (like a boss)
Promote Synergy (like a boss)
Hit on Debra (like a boss)
Get rejected (like a boss)
Swallow sadness (like a boss)
Send some faxes (like a boss)
Call a sex line (like a boss)
Cry deeply (like a boss)
Demand a refund (like a boss)
Eat a bagel (like a boss)
Harrassment lawsuit (like a boss)
No promotion (like a boss)
Fifth of vodka (like a boss)
Shit on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Buy a gun (like a boss) I
n my mouth (like a boss)

Oh fuck man I can't fucking do it... shit!

Pussy out (like a boss)
Puke on Debra's desk (like a boss)
Jump out the window (like a boss)
Suck a dude's dick (like a boss)
Score some coke (like a boss)
Crash my car (like a boss)
Suck my own dick (like a boss)
Eat some chicken strips (like a boss)
Chop my balls off (like a boss)
Black out in the sewer (like a boss)
Meet a giant fish (like a boss)
Fuck its brains out (like a boss)
Turn into a jet (like a boss)
Bomb the Russians (like a boss)
Crash into the sun (like a boss)
Now I'm dead (like a boss)

Uh huh. So that's an average day for you then?
No doubt
You chop your balls off and die?
Hell yeah
And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own dick
Actually I'm pretty sure you did
Nah, that ain't me
Okay, well this has been eye opening for me
I'm the boss
Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four-hundred times
I'm the boss
Yeah yeah I got it!
I'm the boss
No I heard you, bye.


* = That's right both an Owl & a Neckbrace...


  1. They go nicely with his mullet. True 'Merican freedom right there!!

  2. I love(s) me some mullet(s), if I didn't have any shred of self-respect I'd grow one and then get an owl, then WO' to anyone who CHALLENGED US!
    Iola, REPRESENT!