Are You The Walkers vs. The Signal

I’m contemplating a strategic ‘retreat’. Lately it has become obvious that the energy I pour into things is uneven and ends up being frustrating. Don’t get me wrong I love people, therein lies the problem, I just don’t think they contribute to my well-being. I stretch myself way too thin. I have this need to be the epicenter of things going on in my sphere of people, and I think that needs to stop. The satisfaction of holding all these events and parties and Movie-A-Thons has waned.

I think I just need a break. I mean c’mon we’ve had all sorts of Driveway Cooking Wars, Movie-A-Thons, Trivia Death Matches, D&D Sessions, Crappy BINGO, Game Days, etc. go on last year. There has been no rest for the ‘wicked’ and it has been at my behest. I’m burned out. People have burned me out. Perhaps if I pull back a bit, if I sort of come back down to Earth, and do some more things just about Cassandra & I, I’ll get a bit better perspective on things.

That is what I think the real problem is, I lack perspective. When I am ‘hurt’, or Butt Hurt, by someone, especially someone I know the wound festers. I then find myself over-analyzing and examining every little aspect of them and their relationship with me. I start to break things down, and when I do that all I ever focus in on is the negative. I start to wonder “Why do I even hang out or care about this person?” The reality is I talk myself into disliking someone over the stupidest reasons.

Look at J.B., sure he didn’t pour any energy into our Friendship and sure he could be a curmudgeon, BUT I can be a yippy dog vying for attention. I can be SO excited about everything under the sun that is new that it annoys people, I know it annoyed Jon. In reality distance did more to hurt that relationship than anything either of us did, because over those miles I think he lost his tolerance for ‘me’.  So when he sort of checked out communication wise I started down that dark road of analyzing our relationship. When I did that I saw a lot things in it that I didn't like, and really two people, both he and myself, that I started not to like.  In the end it just blew up.

I’ve realized I have a Best Friend, I’m married to her. She never stresses me out, she always makes me laugh, she takes the piss and vinegar out of me when needed, and more than anything she inspires me to move forward and be better for no other reason than I can. And while I do have a very small contingent of Friends I don’t need to, nor should I, rely upon them. It is too much pressure to put on these folks. I should never have someone feel bad, because they think I’m mad at them over a life decision that they’ve made. That’s just not cool. I also shouldn’t have someone get pissed at me for offering to help. They and I don't deserve that, no one does.  I think distance will help with this.

I have a LOT of friends, and maybe as we get older this is what life becomes. Perhaps you don’t need this intimate Justice League Of America roundtable of ‘Super Best Friends’, maybe an army of good people are enough. All I know is this week has exhausted my patience, my vigor, and my taste for investing in people as a whole. A retreat from society and back into a more ‘quiet’ life is perhaps the best way for me to regain some of my sanity, perspective, and well-being.

Don’t get me wrong I’m committed to D&D (two groups in fact), I adore doing the Podcast, Movie-A-Thons are going to happen (just less frequently), and the Painting Miniatures with CHIKARA was glorious and will continue once a month. I think a lot of the other stuff will just go to the way side for a while. Too much pressure on myself and others just isn’t worth the time and effort.

That felt pretty good, admission of failure and weakness I guess can be cleansing. Hopefully this will cut down on my stress, feelings of ‘meh’, and general malaise. And if not, at least I’ll be alone for it. Well except for Cassandra and she somehow tolerates my B.S. insanely well. Let’s wrap this diddy up with some…

RANDOM CRAP!

- This is a depressing admission, but I am not looking forward to tonight’s Movie-A-Thon. For whatever reason I’m just not ‘feeling’ it tonight. However I know that my mood will change once people start showing up, but right now at like 2pm in the afternoon I’m dreading the next 5 hours.
- I started watching the 2002 He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe with Cassandra, AND she’s diggin’ it. Best. Wife. EVER!
- THQ got back to me and they are working on a patch. No time table, no real detail, just a hold on we’re working on it. I’m really irritated, and most likely will never purchase another game from them again. In the meantime I might try to play without any Custom Arenas. This would require me to restart My Universe. If I do so I think I’m going to have five major shows, adding a CHIKARA brand. Perhaps I’ll attack this a bit tomorrow morning.
- Got my check today, the payroll tax kicked back in. I’m down about $30 a paycheck again. Thanks government.
- I painted a bit last night, and was able to finish three miniatures and get another handful about half done. Currently the basement living room is a wreck with all my painting and miniature crap everywhere. I should clean it up, but I’m in that painting mode so I’ll see how long I can keep it this way without pissing off my wife.
- We still haven’t seen The Hobbit.
- There is a cool miniatures Kickstarter going on for Midgard RPG, it’s not a bad deal I’m just currently saturated with minis. Although I must admit some of the minis like the female Death Knight and the Ogress are really cool. There are only 9 days left so give it a gander and if you have the cash back it.
- My desire to go home right now is not measurable.
- I think I’d like to play an evening of GAMMA WORLD since I have the rules, not to mention it might give me some ‘inspirado’ for the Post-Apocalyptic Brick Strip I was contemplating. I’ll have to take a stumble through the Interweb(s) and see if I can find a good framework of an adventure to get my brain spinning with ideas, OR just watch some Thundarr The Barbarian. Either way will work.
- What do you call 10 Packer fans sitting down? An A.A. Meeting.

And with that hacky joke I’m done.

“Don't talk to strangers.
Don't swim alone.
Don't take the dicey shortcut.
Don't turn the stone.
Don't tell a secret.
Don't fall behind.
Don't let the Great Race of Yith
Supplant your mind.

Don't wrack your memory.
Don't blaze the trail.
Don't pine for primeval jungles.
Don't pierce the veil.
Don't look for answers
Years down the road.
Don't copy down the glyphs that
Your visions showed.

Are these dreams a clutch of stifled memories?
Was there something in my mind?

Don't clean the mirror.
Don't be surprised
When your reflection seems like
A pack of lies.
Don't ask the inmates
What it's about.
Don't cry in the library
When you find out.

Are these dreams a clutch of stifled memories?
Was there something in my mind?

There are things they say man was not meant to know...
Is this shadow out of time?”

  * = I'm not huge on X-Force, but damn if this page isn't incredible.  An adolescent Apocalypse lamenting to Deadpool, who is his hero.  Says a lot about a comic where X-Men proactively murder their enemies.  Either way this page is fantastic.