Every time I feel like I’m out, I get pulled back in. It is insanely cliché to write or say that, especially considering Pacino in Godfather III going on and on and on about it. For a while now I’ve been working on letting things go, trying to live for now and tomorrow rather than let yesterday consume me, and I feel like I’ve done an alright job. Things happen, things don’t go the way I wish they would, mistakes are made, failures accrue, and lessons are learned. Thus is life.
I blab on and on in this particular forum about what is going on in my brain. Sometimes that is a positive thing, sometimes it is an odd thing, and sometimes I’m just trying to work out the logistics of my thoughts and feelings. I have worked on keeping the most personal of things just that though, personal. I will always endeavor to not ‘call people out’ who I know, because if I feel the need to say it I should just say it to them directly and not to the Internets.
Even the crap I do talk is generally done in a sarcastic way, as I don’t feel the need to try and bury someone behind the comfort of a keyboard, a microphone, or some other device that renders me somewhat anonymous. There just isn’t any need for it, not to mention no one really reads this drivel anyways. You unfortunate few who do digest this have better things to do than listen to me pursue my own Book Of Grudges in a public forum. So I refrain, I stay vague, and try to process in other ways.
That being said, I’m never going to begrudge someone else their desire to have their inner feelings and monologue heard, to receive advice, adulation, or even feedback from their chosen Internet community. You have something that needs to be said and find your scene, then good for you. If you need to have your voice heard, your feelings validated, or have your ideas consumed by the masses then there is nothing like the endless void that is the Internet(s). Hell, it is why I blog. But like I said earlier when it comes to your innermost raw emotions, feelings, or issues all I really want is to be left out of it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t hide who or what I am. I try to remove things that cause me consternation or frustration so I don’t have to dwell on them or grow irritated with them. The thing about personal issues on the World Wide Web is that that gigantic world shrinks to neighborhood size. So things come back around and then no matter how much I endeavor to avoid them they come back to me. And I don’t want or need that.
I don’t need to have that negativity resurface. I don’t want to know how people ‘pick sides’. I don’t need to be the subject of someone else’s ridicule. I feel no desire to be the ‘bad guy’ in the tale of someone’s life. I don’t want it, and I certainly don’t need it. To rehash, to relive, to rework what has already happened and been ended seems counterproductive. Everything ends, regretfully we don’t always get to choose how or even when it happens, but it does happen.
In the ending of some chapters new tales get told. I have found that in the closing of some doors, SOOOOoooo many more end up opening. In failure you can find new opportunities and even successes. Anytime I have had something disintegrate, usually due to at least some asshatery on my part, in my personal life I have come away only wishing the other person/people involved happiness. If I cared about you at one point enough to call you Girlfriend/Hetero-Life Mate/Wife/Friend/Platonic Life Partner/etc. then I have NO desire to see you hurt.
In fact it actually pains me to know that I gave you that wounded, and again let’s face it if we aren’t ‘tight’ anymore then I at LEAST had some hand in that. I want you to go forward, find joy, surround yourself with folks who give you what you want and need, and make life yours. I want that because that is what I am going to do and am doing. Life is too damn short for you or I or anyone else to live beneath a mountain of regret, to rehash something that has come and gone, or to miss what we have now for what we used to have.
Look back on those ‘Good Times’ with a wry smile, a soft chuckle, and with fondness. I do. As for the ‘Bad Times’, just remember what you learned from them. I do, and they have made my life better every time. Without them I don’t get to right here, right now. And not to Humble Brag or anything, but besides my employment situation, ‘Right Here, Right Now’ is friggin’ AMAZING! No matter what the Internet(s) would have you believe. Be better because you ARE better. Those folks who aren’t a part of you anymore just let them be but a grain of sand while you are the desert, that’s right a life lesson from the Macho Man. DIG IT! Take the lessons you learned, and more importantly the lessons you taught to heart and be a better you tomorrow than you were today.
In the end I just want happiness. Happiness for the people I care about, for the people I used to care about, and even for myself. I don’t have much to give the world, I don’t contribute much, and I don’t really create anything of tangible value, but happiness is the one thing I can try to do, to give. And even though my track record might show that I’m equally good at pumping out anger, sowing discord, and courting disaster I think the real thing of value that I can give to people, to the world at large is my true desire to make others Happy.
That is all I really want for you, for me, for everyone. Find your happiness and relish it.
Ok…Hrm…That was strangely uplifting out of initial morose frustration. It is always an adventure when I just let my mind run and put to ‘paper’ what erupts out of it. I just hope like anything any of you read in this Blog you took something away from it, beyond a 10 minute waste of your time. How about we fire out some…
- I am sick as a dog. I have coughed so hard this weekend that the muscles of my torso hurt. The thing is I am getting better, but still just absolutely miserable. Getting through four long days at the place that pays my bills is going to be a titanic struggle. I mean when I walk across the building to get copies and come back drenched in sweat that generally isn’t a good thing, however it is what has to be done. I think I’ve lost another 15 pounds just in not eating and sweat since Friday. I can only hope I get some type of ‘Good News’ this week, can keep moving forward, and that this crappy flu finally dies!
- Rick & Morty Season 1 is just as good the second time through as it was the first.
- The Koala and his family had us over for lunch on Saturday and it was marvelous. Ava is just as darling as ever and surprisingly enough was not scared of me at all. The twins are SO tiny. I didn’t hold them as I was sick as all get out, but they are adorable. Joe and Laura put out a great spread of grub, and even in being sick I had a good time. Thank you Joe!
- Every time I breathe I feel like I’m swallowing the embers of a fire.
- We had to cancel 2nd Group D&D on Sunday because I couldn’t talk, and Cassandra couldn’t get out of bed. I have had the prep work done for 2nd Group for a while, but there has been a series of legit reasons for cancellation. We really need to make sure that we get back on track as a group, as I’m a huge fan of running for those folks. Also I owe them some grilling.
- I am hoping to talk Zack into the next episode of Antagonist Relations in the next week or so.
- We also had to cancel Team TROLLSTRONG last night because I was still super ill. Luckily we are picking up where we left off next Monday. I am REALLY looking forward to jumping into Burnt Offerings full force. Also Gene, I have your damn Birthday present!
- I just want to curl up under my desk and pass out right now.
- Movie-A-Thon turnout on Friday was really small, but the fun had was enormous. Casual Doug exposed us to Trailer Park Boyz and I have to say I laughed my ass off. In addition we watched Rikki: The Legend Of Rikki O which is just bat shite insane. So it was a good night overall. Thank you to Cassandra, THE Kedrin, and of course Casual Doug.
- All I want is Soup & Grilled Cheese.
- If I wasn’t so damn exhausted I would just go home the rest of the week and paint. I really am enjoying painting in the evenings, but I’m afraid I’m just too beat to get after it tonight. I still need to do my fixes on the last piece I was working on. I think after that I’m going to sit down, pull out all the minis that I have to paint, get out some cardboard, and divide things up in the bin. That way I can keep a better track of things and maybe prioritize a bit better. I type this like I’ll actually get it done. Or maybe I’ll finally just attack a few of the massive Bones miniatures I have laying around. Something to contemplate.
- Most of the Pathfinder Battles stuff I’ve ordered is in now, and beyond the repairs I’ve had to make I am pleased. VERY pleased.
- Speaking of miniatures I really need to take all my WH40K/Sci-Fi stuff out, get some pictures taken, and get that stuff upon Ebay. I think I can get about $100 for all of it, and that would be pretty nice. I think between the glued figures, the bitz, and the scenery that shouldn’t be too difficult to get. Maybe I’ll try and unload some of those Board Games too. It would help me get the rest of the Pathfinder Battles stuff I really want.
- I wish I understood and enjoyed the NHL more because Wild Vs. Avalanche Game 7 just sounds cool.
I think that is all I can muster today.