Thursday, February 25, 2016

All Good Things Vs. Black Book

I wear who I am and what I feel on my sleeve.  I think always have.  I have tried to, in the past, curtail that, to curb those impulses, and even reign in my feelings.  When I've done that I've found my life to be hollow.  That the person that is staring back at me in the mirror feels like a stranger.  Don't get me wrong for the most part I don't enjoy looking at that reflection a lot of time as a lot of times I don't think much of myself, but at least I know it is me.  When I reign it in, it isn't me.

Don't get it twisted I have parts of my life that aren't for mass consumption.  I have feelings, I have relationships, I have thoughts that just are for me and will never see the light of day outside of that.  I know this is coming off as cryptic, but believe me I'm getting to a point.  You see the one thing I try really hard to be is honest.  I have been dishonest.  I have lied, cajoled, tricked, etc.  I have told HUGE lies and I've told the smallest of fish stories.  That all being said I have worked hard in the last 15 years or so to change that. 

So when and if I sit down with someone and pour out my thoughts and feelings to them then they are honest.  They are me.  If you ask me whether or not I want them kept private and I tell you 'yes' and then you violate that it hurts.  It cuts deep.  I lose respect for you.  In all honesty, I lose respect for people who just can't tell me the truth.  I don't feel like I ask for much in my relationships, be they romantic, friendship, or even employment.  The two things I really want are respect and honesty.  I'll take communication if I can get it, but I don't want to press my luck.

I spend 40 hours a week not getting any respect, honesty, or communication.  I understand that, and unfortunately feel like it is part and parcel of the current American employment experience rather than something that only I am going through.  So therefor outside of work it means so much more.  I am struck dumb by the fact that there are parts of my life I don't really get to 'talk' about, that I can't get a proper outside opinion on, that I can vent about because trust is at such a premium.

The thing that stings the most is I listen.  I respect the relationships I have.  And more than both of those I am honest about what I think and feel.  The people in my life are important to me.  They are my 'Family'.  Maybe, no not maybe.  I do hold them to a higher standard that I do my Family, because I chose them.  I chose to let them in.  I chose to tell them things.  And I chose to listen to them and be there for them.  These are self-inflicted wounds.

Every time I have something that damages that it makes me want to just cut off not just one relationship, but almost all of them.  I feel like I can't trust people, because I try and treat everyone the same, and if I can't trust one person in that 'Inner Circle' then how can I trust anyone?  And do I really trust anyone anymore?  I don't even know.  My frustration is off the chart.

Am I going to cut these people off?  Am I going to retreat into myself the way I write about?  Most likely not.  At the same time I am contemplating a sabbatical from people.  Perhaps I have left my life, my home, my heart open to far too many things, far too many people.  Perhaps I'm simply naïve and get what I deserve.  I'm not sure I even really know anymore.   

This week has been truly shit.  Today is just the cherry on that sundae.

No RANDOM CRAP, because honestly I don't give a fuck enough to do it.

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