Thursday, February 25, 2016
All Good Things Vs. Black Book
Don't get it twisted I have parts of my life that aren't for mass consumption. I have feelings, I have relationships, I have thoughts that just are for me and will never see the light of day outside of that. I know this is coming off as cryptic, but believe me I'm getting to a point. You see the one thing I try really hard to be is honest. I have been dishonest. I have lied, cajoled, tricked, etc. I have told HUGE lies and I've told the smallest of fish stories. That all being said I have worked hard in the last 15 years or so to change that.
So when and if I sit down with someone and pour out my thoughts and feelings to them then they are honest. They are me. If you ask me whether or not I want them kept private and I tell you 'yes' and then you violate that it hurts. It cuts deep. I lose respect for you. In all honesty, I lose respect for people who just can't tell me the truth. I don't feel like I ask for much in my relationships, be they romantic, friendship, or even employment. The two things I really want are respect and honesty. I'll take communication if I can get it, but I don't want to press my luck.
The thing that stings the most is I listen. I respect the relationships I have. And more than both of those I am honest about what I think and feel. The people in my life are important to me. They are my 'Family'. Maybe, no not maybe. I do hold them to a higher standard that I do my Family, because I chose them. I chose to let them in. I chose to tell them things. And I chose to listen to them and be there for them. These are self-inflicted wounds.
Every time I have something that damages that it makes me want to just cut off not just one relationship, but almost all of them. I feel like I can't trust people, because I try and treat everyone the same, and if I can't trust one person in that 'Inner Circle' then how can I trust anyone? And do I really trust anyone anymore? I don't even know. My frustration is off the chart.
Am I going to cut these people off? Am I going to retreat into myself the way I write about? Most likely not. At the same time I am contemplating a sabbatical from people. Perhaps I have left my life, my home, my heart open to far too many things, far too many people. Perhaps I'm simply naïve and get what I deserve. I'm not sure I even really know anymore.
This week has been truly shit. Today is just the cherry on that sundae.
No RANDOM CRAP, because honestly I don't give a fuck enough to do it.