Last night I OWNED at Board Game Night. OWNED! Dave had picked up Domaine (**** out of 5 Stars) at a 50% off sale at Phoenix Games last weekend. It’s a solid little game, as David so eloquently put, “…it’s King’s Gate on steroids…” I don’t know if a truer statement could have been spoken. So in the hierarchy of games, the evolution goes like this; Kingdoms to King’s Gate to Domaine, great games all! I got curb stomped in game one, as Steve did what Steve does; whup ass. Once I learned the lay of the land, figured out a strategy I proceeded to play a solid second game and won by a significant margin. The night was coming to a close, but Jeff, Dave, & Steve were looking too harsh my gamin’ buzz, so the challenge came to a game of Kingdoms. Suffice to say I destroyed them. D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D-! Damn it feels to be a gangster.
Last night I had a truly surreal moment hit me. Cassandra and I were in bed, and we were talking, or should I say she was talking. She was telling me how she never imagined herself in this place in this time in her life. That this wasn’t the life she’d always imagined herself in. I found myself choking on silence, literally stifled by the revelation. She took the time to explain herself, and it makes sense, but damn if it isn’t bizarre. A lot of claims where made by my ex, one of them was that I was “holding her back” in some fashion or another, and based up on her “success” post divorce one could argue that she was very correct. Sometimes I do get the feeling that I hold back Cassandra, it’s not that I mean to, but if it’s like trying to hold onto the brightness and beauty of burning star. It’s selfish. I am by nature a slow moving simple man, and sometimes I wonder if that’s enough. Cassandra is so smart, funny, gorgeous, and driven I do wonder if my “aw shucks” simple philosophy has dulled her ‘edge’ so to speak. Maybe I’m just a black hole for personal motivation. Maybe it’s the fact that people I care about I will placate by telling them over and over again that’s “it’s ok”. I’m not sure. I do know that I sat in bed for about three hours post that just realizing one simple fact; the clock is ticking. I’m not getting any younger. The days are getting shorter, and I might very well be running out of time. I have no children, I have a job I like & I’m good at, but is it a career? I’m married to the love of my life, but has my love stifled her from living an exceptional life? Am I so much a walking hyperbole for things I enjoy that eventually makes them drab? It’s a frightening thought. I’ve always feared personal success, because with it comes added pressure. Not pressure so much from without, because that I could deal with, but that dreaded pressure from within, those self-invented unattainable expectations. In the past I’ve invented pressure to push myself, and I’ve been crushed beneath its phantom weight. In the last handful of years I’ve come to peace with that and have avoided it, but in doing so have I neutered myself from that part of me that was ultra competitive and driven. It’s not that I lack direction or motivation I just lack urgency. Do I really need urgency? I sort of feel like I’m in the middle of some grand journey and I have no idea where I’m going. It’s enough to make one lose sleep contemplating existence.
That’s enough of that…
- The computer is in the shitter. I’m not sure what exactly happened, but I am desperately in need of some technical assistance. Any takers?
- On a transitory note, this is going to prevent me from starting or completing CaveWorks before Saturday. I am officially sad.
- I’ve put together a Player’s Guide for D&D this weekend, and I’m quiet proud of it. Hopefully it’ll help players take better notes, as well as help me be more responsible for information.
- “Choke it back, & SHUT UP!” Childress earned some more respek(s) from me after this quote, not to mention it’s something I’m going to be saying no repetitively.
- Another neat thing to come out of Board Gaming last night was the sheer desperation the guys showed for playing Werewolves Of Miller’s Hollow a ‘social’ game I’ve had for some time and only been able to play once. I’m thinking of trying to put together a Friday night in Feb. to play a bit of that, as well as some Baron Von Munchausen, a storytelling game where the best liar is the winner. I’ll have to run it by “the boss”.
- Sometimes even when I try hard the Southern in me comes out.
- I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m waking up in the morning hurting. It’s like I’m a puppet with its strings cut. It’s not like I moved well to begin with, but for about a month I’ve felt like crap in a hat. Something’s got to give soon.
“The sea remembers us….”