Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Food Of The Gods Vs. War Of The Colossal Beasts

Last night I OWNED at Board Game Night. OWNED! Dave had picked up Domaine (**** out of 5 Stars) at a 50% off sale at Phoenix Games last weekend. It’s a solid little game, as David so eloquently put, “…it’s King’s Gate on steroids…” I don’t know if a truer statement could have been spoken. So in the hierarchy of games, the evolution goes like this; Kingdoms to King’s Gate to Domaine, great games all! I got curb stomped in game one, as Steve did what Steve does; whup ass. Once I learned the lay of the land, figured out a strategy I proceeded to play a solid second game and won by a significant margin. The night was coming to a close, but Jeff, Dave, & Steve were looking too harsh my gamin’ buzz, so the challenge came to a game of Kingdoms. Suffice to say I destroyed them. D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D-! Damn it feels to be a gangster.

Last night I had a truly surreal moment hit me. Cassandra and I were in bed, and we were talking, or should I say she was talking. She was telling me how she never imagined herself in this place in this time in her life. That this wasn’t the life she’d always imagined herself in. I found myself choking on silence, literally stifled by the revelation. She took the time to explain herself, and it makes sense, but damn if it isn’t bizarre. A lot of claims where made by my ex, one of them was that I was “holding her back” in some fashion or another, and based up on her “success” post divorce one could argue that she was very correct. Sometimes I do get the feeling that I hold back Cassandra, it’s not that I mean to, but if it’s like trying to hold onto the brightness and beauty of burning star. It’s selfish. I am by nature a slow moving simple man, and sometimes I wonder if that’s enough. Cassandra is so smart, funny, gorgeous, and driven I do wonder if my “aw shucks” simple philosophy has dulled her ‘edge’ so to speak. Maybe I’m just a black hole for personal motivation. Maybe it’s the fact that people I care about I will placate by telling them over and over again that’s “it’s ok”. I’m not sure. I do know that I sat in bed for about three hours post that just realizing one simple fact; the clock is ticking. I’m not getting any younger. The days are getting shorter, and I might very well be running out of time. I have no children, I have a job I like & I’m good at, but is it a career? I’m married to the love of my life, but has my love stifled her from living an exceptional life? Am I so much a walking hyperbole for things I enjoy that eventually makes them drab? It’s a frightening thought. I’ve always feared personal success, because with it comes added pressure. Not pressure so much from without, because that I could deal with, but that dreaded pressure from within, those self-invented unattainable expectations. In the past I’ve invented pressure to push myself, and I’ve been crushed beneath its phantom weight. In the last handful of years I’ve come to peace with that and have avoided it, but in doing so have I neutered myself from that part of me that was ultra competitive and driven. It’s not that I lack direction or motivation I just lack urgency. Do I really need urgency? I sort of feel like I’m in the middle of some grand journey and I have no idea where I’m going. It’s enough to make one lose sleep contemplating existence.

That’s enough of that…


- The computer is in the shitter. I’m not sure what exactly happened, but I am desperately in need of some technical assistance. Any takers?
- On a transitory note, this is going to prevent me from starting or completing CaveWorks before Saturday. I am officially sad.
- I’ve put together a Player’s Guide for D&D this weekend, and I’m quiet proud of it. Hopefully it’ll help players take better notes, as well as help me be more responsible for information.
- “Choke it back, & SHUT UP!” Childress earned some more respek(s) from me after this quote, not to mention it’s something I’m going to be saying no repetitively.
- Another neat thing to come out of Board Gaming last night was the sheer desperation the guys showed for playing Werewolves Of Miller’s Hollow a ‘social’ game I’ve had for some time and only been able to play once. I’m thinking of trying to put together a Friday night in Feb. to play a bit of that, as well as some Baron Von Munchausen, a storytelling game where the best liar is the winner. I’ll have to run it by “the boss”.
- Sometimes even when I try hard the Southern in me comes out.
- I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m waking up in the morning hurting. It’s like I’m a puppet with its strings cut. It’s not like I moved well to begin with, but for about a month I’ve felt like crap in a hat. Something’s got to give soon.

I’m done.

“The sea remembers us….”


  1. I am not sure if I am saddened by the fact that you think you are holding me back or disappointed that I could not completely articulate my thoughts like night. I may never have not imagined myself in this place, at this point in my life, but ultimately it is much better than I thought it would ever be. For the longest time I thought I would never find my better half and I was resigned to the fact that I could be alone for the rest of my life. But now I have you, and my love for you is so profound that seeing you smile becomes the highlight of my day.

    Because of you I am now in a job I am proud of. Not the one I imagined myself in, like I said last night, but I feel like I am helping people and making a difference. I have never once had to feel ashamed or talk up my work to people like I did with the previous job. It was your motivation and confidence in me that helped push me to be the best I could in my career.

    On days where life has me feeling exhausted, you are the reason I get out of bed. I could never claim that you are holding me back because the fact of the matter is I do not think I would be who I am and where I am if it was not for you. You are what motivates me. You are what makes me happy. You are the reason I breath in and out every day. My life is everything it is because of you and my life would mean nothing if I did not have you.

    By the by, your ex did not have her success post-divorce because you were gone, but because she latched herself onto someone whom just had more money. It is easy to do things and seem important when you have money. The challenge is what you have and do when you don't.

    If I had to choose, I would choose what we have over what she has. We have a happy life, (no fighting), jobs we love, a house that is actually a home, friends that are more like family, two families that love us and we have each other. That is worth more than all the money in the world. I would much rather be poor and homeless with you than rich without you.

    Maybe this is all a little too sappy for a blog, but sometimes I don't think I say it enough. You are my heart Benjamin Levi Maier. I am proud of everything you do and who you are. I am even happy about your past because that has shaped you in to the man I fell in love with. Heck, I love you so much that I went and made an account just so I can comment on your blogs.

    You are my husband, my best friend, my comedian, my therapist and my heart. I love you Ben.

  2. Thank you.
    I didn't mean for you to need to justify anything, but it's nice you felt you needed to & did so wonderfully.
    & that's all I feel like commenting on.

  3. I did not feel the need to justify anything, but to show you that sometimes things are are not how you view tham. Where you think you are dragging me down, I think you are the only thing that motivates me. Where you think you do not have a career, I think you have spent 15 (right?) years committed to the same field of helping people.

    Because your ex has said similar things in the past does not make me more like her or anything like her.

    It just felt important that I make sure you know all the things I wrote previously.

  4. Oh but see on MY blog they are how I view them. As we discussed outside the "internet(s)" I always appreciate feedback in order to get a different perspective on what I'm seeing, what I'm doing, hell even what I'm reviewing, but in the end this is still mine, & as much as I enjoy that other enjoy it, I blog for purely selfish reasons.

    Oh I'm not dragging you down, it was just a thought I had to ponder outloud.

    I'd prefer if you didn't try to find comparison with people who aren't in my, or your life. It's simply a reference point nothing more, nothing less.

    And now for something completely different...

    - Yep that's right I'm doing a tiny one in a comment. Why? Because I can...
    - I have a mouthpiece for when I sleep now, so I don't grind my teeth, next I'm going to get a helmet, so my sleeping dork trinity will be complete.
    - Nothing says "Life I just don't care anymore", like shorts with Aquaman on them. The thing is I'd wear them every day if I could.
    - The beef stew is STILL divine even after a week.
    - Haunted Vagina!

    That is all...