* = D&D Pals for life...
That’s right I’m afraid of puppets. They frighten me, almost as much as clowns. The only thing worse would be clown puppets, or clown puppet zombies. Besides that irrational fear that seems to haunt my dreams monthly I’m really not that afraid of many things. Many things in life deserve caution or respect, but few should inspire fear. All that being said I do have a lot anxiety over things in life that are beyond my sphere of control; my father’s health, Brian Bendis’ writing of any Avengers title, seizures, huge crowds of people, Cartoon Network’s fiddling with The Venture Brothers schedule, the weather, etc. These things give me pause, sometimes they raise my blood pressure, and other times they inspire me to isolate myself. One of the things that give me the most recurrent issues is when people don’t show up to things that I’ve spent a great deal of time, money, and effort to put together. It’s this odd thing that I tie so much of my sense of self in people whom I want to call friend. I hold these folks up to a higher standard than I do anyone or anything else.
Someone much smarter than me, which quiet frankly could have been just about anyone, once told me that you can see the quality of a person by who they choose to associate with. I’ve taken that to heart. I want to associate myself with people who are my better, who bring something to the table, and who inspire me to do and be better. For the most part I feel like I’ve succeeded. I would put a caveat on that though, a lot of people I choose to call friend tend to disappear. They become allies of convenience, more acquaintances than friends. There is a certain amount of ‘drift’ in life. People transition in and out of your life. Some folks lose the importance they once had for you as others take a more immediate role in your day-to-day life.
I’ve always thought of friendship as a bond. There should be some permanence there. When we use a word like ‘friend’ it should have weight to it, it should mean something beyond the mundane. A friend is someone you actively choose to spend time with, to confide in, to trust, to rely upon, to look upon with genuine affection and respect. Without those things then we are no better than acquaintances. Now don’t get me wrong, acquaintances are fine, I have a lot of those. They are folks you haven’t had the opportunity to know better, or are friends of friends, or circumstances prevent you from having a deeper relationship with them, it does not make them unworthy folks in the least bit. I find myself more and more having acquaintances in life, people on the peripheral of my life, sort of bit players in the drama of my existence. The circle of people I’ve grown to rely upon, to count upon as true friends, confidants, peers have shrunk. It’s sort of folded in upon itself as some of these people have created families, moved, or found friendships more in-line with who and what they’ve become.
This makes me feel stagnant. Sometimes I look upon my acquaintances and see them in constant flux, evolving, devolving, just becoming while I stay the same. I feel like I’m not progressing in life. It’s as if I’ve found a happy niche and choose to remain there in a self-deluded bliss for the remainder of my days. There is nothing wrong with who I am or what I’ve become, but it is very plain, understated, unexciting, and uninteresting to most folks outside my little inner world. I’m not knocking myself, far from it, I know how smart I am, how funny and gregarious I can be, how outgoing I can choose to be, but I also am acutely aware just how narrow my focuses can be, how off-putting my demeanor can be, how difficult, moody, and disjointed my personality can be. I am far from easy to get along with. Sometimes I’m amazed my friends and family can handle me. I’m in that mode of fluctuating between the exultations of fantastic expansions of mirth coupled with maudlin moments of intense melancholy. It’s not easy to stay afloat in the tempest that is my emotional state, this I understand.
So when folks disappear or fade in and out of my existence I try and look at with a tinge of sadness and with fond remembrance, but with an understanding that this is the way of the world, thus is life. I do however dislike when people proclaim a “want” to be involved, to attend, to join in, to be a part of this friendship, but don’t have the wherewithal to commit to it. I don’t feel I’m unreasonable as a person, at least not all the time, all I ever really ask is honesty. If you can’t then say so and don’t, while if you can say so and do. It’s simple. I’m simple, and I like it that way.
Enough of the analysis, how about some…
RANDOM CRAP!
- I’m still pushing through The Vampire Wars, and while it’s good I’m still waiting for a “hero” or even a protagonist to appear.
- Jay Cutler should have worn a crash test dummy outfit last night, 9 sacks in a half is ridiculous! The Bears O-line should be ashamed.
- On a s side note of football, the ONLY undefeated team in the NFL is the Kansas City Chiefs, WHA!?
- The living room is painted and it looks amazing. The dining room is in progress and once it’s done I think it’ll be breathtaking. There is this rumor that the basement will be next, before Halloween ’10 Party. When the walls are painted it suddenly feels more and more like OUR home, there is some permanency there. It’ll feel even more like that once we start hanging our crap on the walls.
- New South Park starting Wednesday, and I can’t wait.
- Bentoberfest ’10 came and went, and it went rather well. A lot of people didn’t show, and that’s fine. To those that did, thank you. It was pretty damn fun, and I can’t think of a whole lot in life that I like better than good friends, a raging fire, and sausages.
- I’m going to try and get back to mini painting this week, once the living room is put back together. Speaking of mini’s there are a CRAP TON of cool user created content for Castle Ravenloft over on Board Game Geek dot com. So much of it I’m trying to print off and have available to play with.
- On a side note of disappointment, Wrath Of Ashardalon was delayed till February 2011. That sucks, BUT not as much as just reading that DC Universe Online is now being delayed till an unspecified date in 2011. GAH! Why does everything I want get pushed back.
No one should take anything above personally, really. If you do it’s on you.
I would however challenge ALL of you with this; why are we friends? What do I bring to the relationship, why do you choose to spend time with me? Am I reliable, honest, and consistent? Or am I a sham? I’m really intrigued to know why someone would call me ‘friend’. I know why I call others that, why I do what I do, and why I am the way I am, but to you why do you choose to associate with such a malcontent?
Maybe your all-just gluttons for punishment, it’s either that or I AM as funny as I think I am. Go figure…
“I'm wiping the slate spotless
I vow this is your final chance
Almost all but little faith has been thrown out the window
I promise to sustain my stance
You've taken everything from the get go
And you've given nothing in return
Your sado-masochism has reached the ninth inning
Still you're puzzled to see I'm concerned
Struggling, to come to terms with
This god-awful life that i live
Stumbling, but still i try
To get out from under your grip
Transparent in critical moments
You drop me when your hands aren't full
You call yourself my closest friend
Then you make yourself invisible
My simmering blood is rising
Primed and ready to explode
Get off your high horse and come to the party
I'll beat you into overload
Only through your limited viewpoint
You think you know how I exist
Easy to turn my back on the system
Hard not to be an atheist
Back in the days when promises were made
Equality for all
You go by the word from the man who gives it
Never expecting a fall
Struggling, to come to terms with
This god-awful life that I live
Stumbling, but still I try
To get out from under your grip
Transparent in critical moments
You drop me when your hands aren't full
You call yourself my closest friend
Then you make yourself invisible
Transparent in cricital moments
You drop me when your hands aren't full
You call yourself my closest friend
Then you make yourself invisible
Make yourself invisible, make yourself invisible
Make yourself invisible, make yourself invisible again
Burn...
I never should've trusted
I never should've trusted
I'm sickened and disgusted
I never should've trusted
What happened to me?
Back in the days when promises were made
Equality for all
You go by the word from the man who gives it
Never expecting a fall
Transparent in critical moments
You drop me when your hands aren't full
You call yourself my closest friend
Then you make yourself invisible
Transparent in critical moments
You drop me when your hands aren't full
You call yourself my closest friend
Then you make yourself invisible”
* = Where does this take your imagination?
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