WARNING! WARNING! For those that don’t want to listen to me bitch and complain skip to the RANDOM CRAP! You have been warned.
So Easter was Sunday. I expected at least a phone call from one of my siblings or my mother. What I have officially learned is given the opportunity people will always disappoint you. Suffice to say this also is true of my family. I had high hopes that after the untimely death of my father that we might be able to find some common ground maybe become closer. Don’t get me wrong we’ve never been that close. Sean and I are awkward around each other, and for a nice chunk of our lives actively despised one another. Sarah and I just run very hot and cold to one another. One minute we can be laughing and joking the next we are seconds away from a fistfight. As for my mother, she’s a great lady, but being affectionate has never been her forte. Listen my mom & siblings are good people, but they’ve truly become strangers.
When we were down for the funeral I made the comment that there really wasn’t a reason for me to come back to Iola. I was shocked about how irritated and offended my ‘family’ became. It wasn’t meant that way. It’s just that we had been estranged for a long time, and before that we weren’t close. I was assured, and maybe that was just grief talking, that fences were mended, that we were “all in this together”, and that things would be different now.
They aren’t.
Sean is to busy and that’s fine. I not only respect what he’s doing, but admire it. It’s not as if we were pals before. We’re just different, and in that difference we lack commonality and a reason to try and find it. Sarah is just Sarah. She’s busy, she’s a multi-tasker, and she has her way. My sister is like the feral cats she keeps. She can be affectionate, friendly, and outgoing, but at the same time she can be aloof, distant, and more than a little difficult. As for my mom, I just think that that ship has sailed. We can smile and give each other platitudes but in the end we don’t really understand each other.
This makes the loss of my father that much more devastating. I feel like I’m without family. That isn’t a slight on my In-Laws, my grandma, or my wife. It’s just that when I look at them there is a distance there, there are not ‘me’. My father was. I’ve made the effort with my siblings and my mom, but I think I’m done there for a while. It felt good to have them to talk to, but you know I’m tired of it being a one-way street. Relationships are reciprocal, and currently there is no reciprocation. It’s a damn shame because it makes me feel more alone than I have in my entire life. I look around at everyone, even those I know, and I just feel like I’m looking at strangers. Who are you? Who am I? I’m not sure I really know anymore.
Well that sucked. Enough introspection today, instead I’ll just heap out some…
RANDOM CRAP!
- It’ll be time to get my RAKE ON tonight. Front and backyard should take us about an hour and a half to knock out. We need to do it before the rain comes again. Before you know it it’ll be time to mow again.
- Doctor Who is waiting for me on the DVR, and that fact makes me happy and yet anxious.
- I tried to bribe Sean, my nephew, into coming to the cities and pick up ‘mo stick’ and pinecones. I think I would break EVERY child labor law.
- I was able to get 20 minis painted this last week or so. Now they aren’t finished as we were gone all day yesterday, and Cassandra is going to a tad bit of ‘finishing’ on the eyes, BUT I will most likely be able to knock them out this week. I’m contemplating waiting until I’ve finished this week’s ten, or so, and then doing them altogether this weekend. It requires some pondering.
- Thursday night is the NFL Draft. I for one can’t wait.
- I’m feeling an Emergency Movie-A-Thon coming on. Perhaps a Clive Barker-A-Thon?
I think I’m done today…
“You were walking down the street
You were just across the street
So I had to cross the street
To get to your side of the street
It's torture, it's torture
I need you so bad, girl
It's torturing me
You scortcher, you scortcher,
fry an egg on your face, girl
You're scorching me
Be my, be my,
Be my dark angel
Be my, be my
Capri sun
Be my, be my
Viscious and evil one
The question, the answer
The disco, the dancer
The places you'll never go
The faces you'll never know
It hurts me, it hurts me, believe me it hurts me
It's hurting me
The questions, the queries
The rhetoric, the theories
It hurts me, yeah!
Be my, be my,
Be my dark angel
Be my, be my
Blue sunshine
Be my, be my
American concubine
I am havin' a whirl
of canadian
go-go girls
Japanese karate girls
Black girls
White girls
China girls
Australi-asian
European
Pan American girls
When bad girls start wrestling
Everyone wants to be
the next referee
including me
The record is skipping
The dance is disturbing
The Jacksons are reuniting
They're going on tour
And I can't take it anymore
Be my, be my,
Be my dark angel
Be my, be my
Blue sunshine
Be my, be my
Mrs. Dick Valentine”
* = Did you?
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